Sometimes anger just comes out. It's true. And sometimes it's in the most unlikely of times and for the weirdest reasons. Right now I'm sitting in my anger--so yep writing from my wounds not my scars, but I've just applied a big honking bandaid.
I'm from Georgia. I love that I'm from Georgia. I love Georgia and my second home of South Carolina and my extended family's home state of Virginia. But I've lived in Louisville for almost 13 years. It's the longest I've ever lived anywhere, and I've lived in this particular house for 10 1/2 years--longest I've ever lived in any house. So there are the facts and now comes the anger...
Several years ago, like maybe more than 10, (yes I hold onto things) someone said to me, "You'll probably never want a fleur-de-lis anything because you'll never really be from Louisville." Now I get it--there was wine involved when it was said--wine and probably whine--but it hurt. And it has haunted me and I'll be honest hurt me and has continued to hurt me.
I hope you're not picturing me sitting around crying and thinking about this every day because I'm not. But it does pop up every once in a while and not always when I expect.
I was folding laundry which usually makes me happy. (That is a whole other issue and not one I need or want to address.) I reached into the basket and pulled out the shirt William gave me for Christmas. It's a t-shirt of the Louisville skyline. Suddenly I was so incredibly angry--not angry like "this stinks" but angry like totally pissed off and shaking and crying hot tears--angry tears. And suddenly I thought, "You don't get to tell me where I do and don't belong. You don't. And I'm not giving you that power anymore. Because you know where I belong? I belong wherever my family is. I belong with the people I love and who love me. I BELONG."
Who knows? Maybe another day the pain will come back. Maybe another day I'll remember those words said to me all those years ago, and I'll be hurt again. I hope not, but if I do it's okay. Because you know what I am learning? (note I said am learning) I am learning to live into what Dr. Seuss said, ""Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Over the past 5 years I've really cut the list down of people I care what they think. Life will do that, but it doesn't mean there aren't times I forget and the pain and anger returns.
And if that hurt from that statement comes back? You know what I'll do? I'll put on this shirt my son gave me, and I'll remind myself there are people who accept me and who make sure I know I belong. I'll put on that shirt, and I'll strut out the door. (I might wear my tiara too!)
I also know--this anger I am feeling, which I'll be honest feels pretty darn good right now, is also not healthy. Guess I know what we'll be talking about next week in therapy!
Happy New Year!