We All Take Control and Struggle Differently

My very dear friend posted a blog about finding the "new mom". I have mulled what she said over and over and thought about how it holds to my life. She talked about letting go; releasing her cautious self; this was found during skiing and it has changed her life. As always, my friend gives me much to think about. I am also in a season of change; a time of finding the "new me", finding the person and living to be all that God created me to be. It's exciting and terrifying and in the midst of my soul searching, life keeps happening. My friend says that she is "promoting living and taking chances" and that she is "breaking out of the musty molds and being who you were created to be". Strong, thought provoking words.

I began my period of discernment so many years ago, 1997 to be exact. For a very long time, it was something I thought about, prayed about, and talked about, but I knew it wasn't happening anytime soon. During that time I was full time wife and mother with a lot of volunteer activity thrown in. For a very long time I loved my life and couldn't imagine doing anything differently until the children were grown. But life has a way of changing, and with every move and every season, I heard more and more clearly that I was called to begin seminary and to be ordained not later but now. My family heard the same call and supported me completely. So, after many interviews, essays, and internships, I was accepted to be a postulant and this February started seminary. And then life happened.

Life, the stress of parents divorcing after 44 years; I had no idea it would play the emotional role on me it had. Life, the not so easy adjustment to an new city--realizing it wasn't going to be as "perfect" as I always imagined. Life, a son hospitalized twice in 5 weeks and 3 more children constantly sick. Life, an ice storm that shut down the city and "set me back" in finishing another set of courses. Life hit and hit hard, but I wasn't alone. My husband began working from home more and taking on so many new jobs and he did it quietly and sacrificially. My rector and his family embraced us as family and stepped in every chance they could. And I have struggled.

I have struggled with wanting to go back to my comfort zone--I'm a good competent full time wife and mother, and I can take care of my family. I have struggled with wondering if this is the right time; I have struggled with believing I can do this; I have struggled with realizing that some of the people I thought would be the most supportive are not; I have struggled with feeling guilty for the sacrifices others are making for me. I have struggled with realizing that I was probably not as supportive of Chris during his graduate schools as I should have been. I have struggled with letting go and letting Chris take over more. I have struggled with feeling like I am failing my family. I have struggled with being afraid I will fail my family and friends who are being so supportive and believe I can do this. I have struggled and I continue to struggle with breaking out of my comfort zone--out of the "musty molds and being who God created me to be."

My dear friend went to a mountain top on skis, alone. She had a conversation with God about letting go. She realized how cautious she had been her whole life and recognized that letting go and skiing was her illustration of how she was going to change her life in so many ways. But she did it alone, and it worked for her to be alone. After she succeeded, she rejoined her family and they haven't looked back. That worked for her and I wish it worked for me. As I struggle, I need to talk, to reflect, to say aloud how I feel, to express my fears, to share. I don't need someone to fix it for me or give me advice, I just need them to listen, to allow me not to be confident, capable and smart. But that's not always a comfortable place for people. I understand that. When someone is sacrificing so much for me to follow this road, they don't want to hear about my doubts and anxieties. I do understand that, so now I struggle with being alone to work it through. Wish I had a mountain top and a pair of skis.