Knowing Versus Knowing

I have 395 friends--unbelievable! And it is--it's unbelievable because I really don't. I have 395 people whose lives I follow and who follow mine. Well, that's not even true--I have 395 people whose lives I follow--the parts they want me to know, and who follow mine--the part I want them to know. I know people had a great time at the party last night, but I don't know who's sitting at home sad because they weren't invited to the party, no one posts that. I know who's proud of their child for this or that honor, but I don't know who is sitting at home wondering if their child is doing drugs, is depressed, is failing school, or is just plain driving them crazy, no one posts that. And I know who all loves their husband/wife for all the great things he/she has done, but until I hear they're separating, I don't know who's suffering and miserable.

I'm not suggesting I need to know all the blackest lowest moments of peoples' lives. I love reconnecting with people I wouldn't otherwise, but to say I have 395 friends in the way I define friend is just not true. I do, thank you God, have a few. But you know what I've noticed, they're not the ones who comment on my posts very often and they're not the ones who say "I love you" on my wall for all the world to hear. They comment on my children's pictures because they do love them and they love me and more importantly, they know how neurotic I am about my children. They tell me when to back off and let them grow up; they tell me when I'm being ridiculous, and they tell me when to hold my ground. They don't tell me they love me on my wall because I know they love me and I love them. I know I could call them in the middle of the night and tell them to fly to Utah because I need them but can't tell them why, and you know what, they'd do it--even if we haven't posted on each other's walls or even spoken on the phone for a few months. And, they know I love my husband, but they also know we've had some hard times, times I couldn't have gotten through without them. They know there have been cracks that I thought would break us, and they've been there to help seal them up whether its by letting me vent, cry or shaking me and telling me I'm being ridiculous and I'm wrong. And they still love me, and they still love him. They're our friends, sealed cracks that you can still see if you look hard enough, and all.

The other thing I've noticed is when they do post, it's because they know what's really going on--like when I post, "I miss Ga" they know I what I really miss is having a friend who I can sit on the floor of the master bedroom folding laundry together and share my most painful thoughts or when I post "I want coffee" what I really want is to have a friend who goes along with me pretending I'm walking to the co-op when what I'm really doing is walking to a warm inviting kitchen where a pot of coffee will be put on and we'll talk the afternoon away loving and hating where we live at the same time. And we'll both get it. Or they know when I post "here we go again" that what I really mean is another move, another series of perpetual first dates, another time I have to prove myself to another PTA, and they know I'm really just lonely and want my old life back with my friends who know by the way I walk what kind of mood I'm in. And they laugh to themselves when someone posts on my wall "I don't know how you do it all you're amazing handling everything with grace." because they know I'm really not; they know that really I'm screaming at my children, pulling my hair out, and crying into my pillow and THEN I pull myself up and do it all. And they know that sometimes they have to be the one that calls me on my junk--they have to be the one that tells me I'm being ridiculous, neurotic, overly sensitive, and just plain stupid, because they love me and don't need to post it on my wall for me to know it.

I think that's the difference. It's not the number of friends you have on face book that matters; it's the number of phone numbers you know by heart and that you call--not as often as you should, but they're there. Emails are even better than face book to define friends--how many of my face book friends have my personal email? Face book friends are my virtual sports bar, beer drinking friends who only see me at my best; --only see what I want the world to know. My other friends are my best bottle of wine drinking on a back deck friends. The one who tells her husband, "I don't care if it was the best bottle in the house. We had a great evening."