Halloween has always been a big deal at our house--we always fix a big pot of chili and the children invite as many friends as they'd like. This year Caroline asked if she could have five friends for chili, trick-or-treating and to spend the night (no school on Friday the 1st). Plans started being made; costumes designed and space scoped out--Christopher was also having four friends over for all of the above including spending the night.
Wednesday afternoon (the 30th) I got a text from Caroline stating that three of the five girls had backed out. I asked her what they were doing instead and she replied the three of them were going to one house. She made no mention of having been invited to go too. My Mama Tiger adrenline started pumping. I know these girls, and I know their parents. It didn't sound like something they would do. I couldn't figure out what had happened. I asked Caroline what was going on and she said, "I'm not gonna make a big deal about it because I already learned my lesson from that." Ahh--last summer
Last summer Caroline was uninvited from a trip to an amusement park. She was very upset; I suggested that she just ask the girl who was organizing it why she wasn't invited. I suspected it came down to a numbers thing--perhaps this young lady had been told she could invite people and she went over the agreed upon number. I had no idea, but I convinced Caroline that it was a good idea to just ask and get an answer rather than imagine all sorts of things. I projected my need to know onto her. And for whatever reason, this time she listened to me (why this time she had to I'll never know)--the next thing I knew she has thrown herself across the bed and was sobbing. I honestly to this day cannot figure out the whole story, but I do know asking was the worst thing she could have done. It stirred some middle school drama pot and the texts were flying--for two weeks she felt that she had no friends. No one would talk to her; no one would come over; she was miserable. It ended when another girl came back in-town (one who had not cancelled on her for Halloween). This young lady knew nothing about the weeks of drama we had all just endured so she invited the whole gang over to her new hot tub. It wasn't perfect; I ended up getting a call to come get her, but it broke the ice and by the time school started a few days later the estrogen storm raging through the various households had subsided.
Caroline took that lesson and chose not to ask the girls for details. She chose relationship over the need for a response. She told me they were still all sitting together at lunch and things were fine on the basketball court. By Thursday all but one had cancelled. As Caroline and her friend got in the car on Halloween, they were excited and full of energy. They had decided to just have a good time; and a good time they did have. Yesterday Caroline came home from school and all was well.
I still believe that sometimes we need to clear the air, ask the question and have open and honest dialogue. We do, however, also have to consider why we are starting a discussion--is it for clarity, for healing, for reconciliation or is it just to make ourselves feel better, to erase the discomfort we feel? It matters--when we our only striving to keep ourselves from feeling any pain and we are not considering the other--it becomes about the response and not the relationship.
Relationships are hard; sometimes they require difficult conversations and sometimes they require silence. James P. Bartz writes, "If in our reading of scripture we search only for behavioral directive in order to achieve the best possible experiences and outcomes for our individual selves, we miss the "pearl of great price", which is the truth that the kingdom of heaven is at hand when humanity is actively engaged in the mission of loving God and loving or neighbors as ourselves." (Anglican Theological Review, Fall 2013, p.690) Sometimes loving our neighbors means allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable, to remain silent--sometimes it means speaking up, but it should always be about relationship because it is in and through our relationships with one another (even overly dramatic estrogen infused middle school girls) and with God that we experience the kingdom of heaven right here and now. Through our relationships we catch glimpses of the kingdom of God in the halls of the middle schools, in the workplace, in our families, and in our churches. God grant me the courage to speak when I need to speak, to remain silent when I need to remain silent, and the wisdom to discern the difference.
3 comments:
I ran into another mother outside the polling station this morning, and we exchanged news on our daughters, now in their second year at college. We both paused and looked up at the fall sunlit sky, thinking of the years we've known with these two girls. "Who'd have thought, back in Middle School, that we'd be here and life would be good?" I asked. "Yeah," she replied, "isn't it, though?"
Have you heard of the book "When to Speak Up and When to Shut Up"?
Yes, it is a real book and I read it. Cover to cover and perhaps need to read it again. I do way to much speaking up....
It's Gillian-- not trying to be "anonymous". Just technologically challenged.
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