May I Repeat, "I Wasn't Ready to Answer God's Call"

I have said to almost anyone who will listen that while I heard God call me into the sacred order of the priesthood in 1997, I was really happy being a stay-at-home mama.  My plan was to answer the call when the children (who kept coming) left home.  When it became apparent God wasn't quite on the same wavelength, I fought it.  When I entered seminary in 2009, I fought it, and truth be told as much as I love my vocation, I still fight it. Let me repeat, I was really happy being a stay at home mama.  Last night that fight hit epic proportions.

Chris and I both try to be at all the children's events.  It is very important to us that we are in the bleachers, on the sidelines, in the audience--you get the picture.  And, although they like to pretend it doesn't, it matters to the children.  When Boss was on the JV basketball team, I arrived a few minutes late to one game.  Amy, another mother and very good friend, said, "We're all glad you're here; now Christopher can stop looking up in the stands and actually shoot the ball."  It matters, being there matters.

Last week I realized that Caroline's final regular season home game as an 8th grader was last night.  Both Chris and I would be out of town.  I was distraught; I thought there would be recognition at the game,and I was literally brought to tears.  I was ready to cancel my trip to Forma, an annual conference for people involved in Christian formation.  I love this conference, and I love my friends and colleagues whom I only get to see once a year.  The fight in my heart was fierce--I reminded God that I indeed had been quite happy with my life; I railed at God--"why couldn't the call have waited?"  I finally, with many tears and prayers, resolved that I had to go to DC and so I asked SK and Boss if they would represent Chris and I.  "Sure," said Christopher, "We'll be her teenage parents."  ( I love a smart ass 16 year old!)  SK recognizing that this could indeed be a breaking point for me replied, "Don't worry Mama, we'll be there."

Last night came and I was having a wonderful time in DC with old and new friends.  I was seeing friends from the past, and I briefly forgot that Caroline was having a game, until I received this text from Sarah Katherine..

 I froze; it hit me in the gut and I could barely breathe.  I couldn't even make fun of Sarah Katherine for using true basketball terms--I said I was happy being a stay at home mama not that I wasn't a slightly sarcastic one!  I excused myself from the table and called SK who filled me in on how it happened.  Yes indeed in the final seconds of the game down by 1 Caroline hit her free throws and the game was over.  I proudly told my table of friends, but inside my heart was breaking, and I kept repeating to myself, "I wasn't there; I wasn't there, I wasn't there"

I later called Caroline who relayed the whole thing to me in her Caroline way.  "They fouled me Mama," she explained, "Idiots--who fouls someone when you're winning and it's almost over?"  She finished the story with, "Mama, they all stormed the court--everyone, the whole boys basketball team--and were all over for me.  It felt like I was even popular."  She laughed and said, "And you know that doesn't happen much."  I laughed along and wondered how much money to put into the therapy jar--can't decide if it was for me or Caroline.  I sent a text to my good friend (and a mother who was actually there) trying to make light of Caroline's popular comment, really trying to make light of it to deflect the waves of guilt surging through my body.



I couldn't let it go so I texted Boss asking if he had indeed been there and then if he stormed the court.  I shared with him that I was overcome with guilt. This is his response. (again love that smart ass 16 year old boy--but it did make me laugh)

Still, I wasn't getting over it, and I suppose I thought I needed to continue to wallow as some sort of penance. So I sent a final text to Chris.  Chris is a rock.  I know that he wanted to be there as badly as I did, and I know he was probably bursting with pride, but I also know he knows me well and I wonder how long it took for him to figure out just the right thing to say...

I wasn't there.  I had to get over it.  This morning I opened my email to find this...

And it hit me--I wasn't ready to answer God's call, but God was ready for me to answer.  What I had forgotten was that God didn't abandon me; God provided me with a family who steps up, a family who loves and supports one another, a family who values being there and is there.  And God provided me with friends who love and support my children both when I'm there and more when I'm not.  When God calls there is no question, you can't say no.  And God will provide...