Voices in My Head

Got up this morning around 4:30, started some laundry, made the coffee and then thought to myself, "Now what chores can I get done before everyone gets up?  I know I'll polish all the silver."  And then I froze.  A little voice inside my head said, "Build a fire and just be.  Read, journal, pray.  Be still."  I so don't like that little voice.  I don't want to be still; when I'm still I think; when I think I feel; when I feel I cry; and I don't want ANY of that!  But I know the voice is right.  Sometimes we need to just sit.  (Caroline if you're reading this that doesn't mean sit in front of netflix for three days straight watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy.)  So I sat down, read the daily office, journaled, thought, prayed and cried.  I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN!!!

I'm going to try to be coherent, but one thing I have learned is that when you sit and think the things that get connected don't always make sense.  Stick with me if you can.

The first thing I read was Psalm 46 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear (yeah, right), though the earth be moved..." and I stopped and created my own thoughs--though I'm leaving a job I love, though I don't know what next year (which is coming tomorrow) holds for me, though I don't know how we're going to pay four tuitions, though I don't know who I am.  I really hated that last one.  Why the heck don't I know who I am; where did that thought come from!?!?!?!  I know who I am--I've been in therapy for crying out loud so I can know who I am.  I decided to ignore that thought because I didn't like it; I didn't believe it, and I convinced myself I could forget it and move on--maybe I hadn't had enough coffee.

Next I read Corinthians II 5:16-6:2--"So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new."  I like that I thought.  Tomorrow is a New Year and all things can become new.  It will be a New Year filled with new possibilities.  I am leaving a job I love but I know God will be with me in the New Year with whatever God has in store for me. This is going to be great--so why did I keep reading?  "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them..."  That's fine, I thought, I can begin the New Year living fully reconciled--really what do I have to reconcile?  I'm fine; life is good--and then the tears started falling and that stupid voice in my head said, "You are so angry; you are so angry and so sad; just admit it.  You are angry and sad because you don't know who you are or because you have forgotten who you are, because you have allowed others to tell you what you should be, how you should be.  Own it."  Now I didn't just not like that little voice, I HATED that voice.  I really should have polished silver....

I sat, I journaled and I owned it.  I have been trying, really trying but I have not been able to let go of roles and expectations.  I have allowed others voices (some who didn't even mean to) to invade my head and tell me how I am supposed to be as a mother, as a wife, as a priest.  (I've already made a list of all the things I'm going to do in the house after the 18th so I can be the perfect wife keeping the perfect house, so I can feel worthy--that's another post, back to this one.) As much as I've tried to have my own voice, be my own person, those voices often drown me out and that is why I'm angry; that is why I need to accept that I am not fully reconciled; that is why I need to own my fear--wait what?  Fear of what?  Two things came--the fear of losing myself to the other voices and the fear of becoming one of those voices in someone else's head.

As I sat there a conversation with William from the previous night popped into my head (I told you this was all over the place.)  We were talking about the basketball team and different players.  "You know E?" William asked.  "He is the nicest senior out there.  He plays with heart and he cares about everyone.  When I'm a senior I want people to think of me like they do of him.  I want to be E.  And please don't tell his mother.  I'll be embarrassed"  (I need a priest out there to give me absolution because I did indeed text his mother; we need to hear positive things about our children; sorry William.)  I responded, "Really?  He seems so quiet."  "Mama," William continued, "You don't have to talk much to be a leader."  I kept repeating that conversation in my mind and thought, "I need to tell William he doesn't need to be E; he needs to be himself.  Learn from his leadership but then find your own way of being."  (I'm really good at telling other people what to do.)  Then E taught me--I returned to the he's quiet; and the "you don't have to talk much to be a leader."  E isn't trying to make people become him--E isn't trying to build himself up by having a bunch of little E's running around. E is leading in a way that allows others to become what they can be.  He may not even realize it, but his leadership is really mentoring.  Webster defines mentor as, "a trusted counselor or guide." Mentoring is not trying to replicate yourself, but sometimes because you are a good mentor people want to replicate you.  E is a mentor and because of that William respects E, wants to be E, not because E expects it but because he doesn't.

My mind jumped back to 2010--jump with me--I was interning at St. Mark's.  The Rev. Charles Hawkins and The Rev. Anne Vouga were the priests.  They are two of the smartest, most well read, articulate people I have ever met.  (And I am blessed beyond measure they are both my mentors and my friends.)  One day during our supervision time I said, "Charles I don't know if I want to preach here anymore."  Charles sat there silently--he has this annoying habit of NOT talking (kind of like E in case you don't get the connection).  I sat and squirmed a bit and then blurted out, "I can't preach like you and Anne.  Ya'll are so much smarter than I am.  You use examples from medieval literature and art--examples I've never heard of.  I use examples from football games."  He kept sitting there looking at me.  Finally he spoke, "And that Katherine is why you will continue to preach.  They don't need to hear my voice every Sunday.  They need to hear you and you need to claim your voice."

So I still sit here knowing I have tons of work to do but giving thanks for all those who have mentored me but today especially for Charles and E.  Ya'll's voices can stay in my head--