I swallowed hard; my hands starting feeling a little sweaty; was this her way of coming out to me? Was she coming out to me? I'd never expected she was gay; it had never crossed my mind. But maybe, but why wouldn't she just tell me--she tells me everything. (And if what she tells me isn't everything I don't want to know what she's not telling me.) My mind started racing--how do I handle this? What do I say? I was so uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I didn't know how to respond and uncomfortable and frankly teed off because I was uncomfortable.
I decided to nonchalantly investigate. "Is Amy going to the date function too?" Amy is her roommate and a member of the Sailing Club. "Maybe," I thought, "A bunch of girls are going together." "Yes, she's going with a guy from downstairs." "Well I'm sure it will be fun; send me a pictures." I really wanted to get off the phone.
I hung up and remained uncomfortable. "What is wrong with me," I thought, "I have lots of friends who are gay; I'm fine with it." OH MY GOD--I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!!! And then I started worrying--did she hear the hesitancy in my voice? Did she pick up on my surprise (read shock)? Was this going to ruin our relationship? I really have no idea what all I was thinking, but I was not happy with myself. I was coming face to face in a personal way with an issue that I consider one of my die on the hill issues. I have said that I would have a hard time accepting a call to a church that didn't at the very least openly struggle with this issue even though I claimed to have no struggle with it. "One of the greatest honors ever given me,"I thought to myself, "was being asked to preside at the blessing of two of my dearest friends. So why is thinking about this with SK so hard? This is not an issue for me." Suddenly I felt like I didn't know who I was; I was challenged and I was ashamed.
A couple of hours later Caroline and I were taking a walk. I tried to act casual, "So, do you think SK might be gay or bisexual?" "What are you talking about?" Caroline asked. So I told her, "She's going to a date function tonight with a girl on her hall. She was telling me about it today, and I'm wondering if that's her way of coming out to me." Caroline started laughing so hard I thought she was going to fall down and sustain another concussion. "What is wrong with you?" she continued. Oh honey, you have no idea how many things...and then the nail in the coffin, "So what if she is?"
It's been a little over a week, and I'm still struggling, and I still hear the echo of Caroline's voice, "So what if she is?" Am I a hypocrite? Do I really believe what I claim I believe? I want to be as firm in my belief as I claim I am; I want the acceptance of all people gay or straight--or anything else--to be a total black and white issue. Frankly I want it to be a non-issue, (like the fact that SK was simply going to a date function with her friend--she wasn't coming out, she was just being a friend--whatever happened to pure friendship?) but if it truly isn't an issue for me, then why did I react at a visceral level the way I did? I am haunted by my continued thoughts and by my initial reaction; I'm also more humble, I hope, more understanding, more compassionate and less critical of others and their struggles with whatever issues with which they struggle.
I am haunted and hopeful--haunted by myself and hopeful--hopeful that others are haunted and uncomfortable too and that through sitting with and struggling with our discomfort individually and together in community all barriers--all "issues" will disappear and Jesus' prayer at the last supper for unity and oneness "that they may all be one" (John 17:21) will finally once and for all be answered.
2 comments:
Although I can't say I personally know the feeling you're experiencing on this subject, I can tell you from a daughter's perspective my experience of coming out with my own mother. Her reaction was originally hesitant and initially to end the conversation (circumstances forced me to discuss it with her over the phone). I was hurt that my mother wouldn't have the reaction I felt she had raised me to have- one of unconditional acceptance and even joy at the honesty of my confession. My mother also has many gay friends and coworkers, and feels strongly about full inclusion in the church and civil rights issues. So I initially didn't understand her reaction. But after talking more in depth with her, as well as her best friend who is also a lesbian, I felt that I understood. My mother was only taken aback because of my previous straight relationships in which I had been very happy, and was confused about the seemingly sudden change. A future she had imagined for me was, in her mind, now gone. She had to reevaluate her expectations, and quickly, because I was already in the beginnings of what has been a long and invested relationship with a woman. Her image of my beautiful family that she knew was in my future was not gone, but shifted, and it was confusing to both mourn that and reconcile that reaction with her genuine feelings that everyone deserves to freely love who they love, regardless of gender. Despite her thoughts and initial reaction, my mother has welcomed my girlfriend into her home and our family openly and from the beginning, and I have no doubt that you would be fully capable of doing the same.
Allison,
You are good and kind and I love you dearly, and I hope you are right. This was my jumping to conclusions and I was as upset that I wouldn't just ask because that says to me I wouldn't have been okay with it if it had been true. Unconditional love is what I believe we should show our children and the world NO EXCEPTIONS! I guess in a way I'm lucky I had this experience so that when and if something comes up with any of my children that does truly challenge me I am prepared. In the meantime, I have learned that people who struggle with acceptance of this issue are not ignorant or bad or even don't want to be accepting and inclusive.
And I suspect the children will tell this story for years. :) Love you and I can't wait to meet your girlfriend. She is one lucky woman.
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