The Answer Was Always There--in the Music

"You don't really care about the music in worship, do you?"  It was a casual question-or maybe more of a comment--a rhetorical question.  The comment/question came right as a meeting was about to start, so I didn't have time to answer; frankly, I didn't know how to answer.  There was no judgement meant in the comment (at least I don't think so), but it rankled me.  

That question was two years ago, and I still think about it--a lot (I'd say I obsess about it, but I do have a life, fine, I admit it--I obsess--remember I have a therapist).  Why didn't I answer?  How would I answer? What did I really think about music in worship?  Several months ago I ran across a wonderful blog (Ponder Anew); I read it religiously (pun intended) hoping it would help me answer the question.  Honestly, I love it--I love the comments, I love reading how other people are wrestling, but it has not give me closure for the question....it hasn't given me an answer.

Last month during spring break, I drove over to see my dear friend Mac (or as our family calls him Mac-a-doodle--they're kinda crazy too!)  Mac and I worked together at St. Marks in Louisville for a number of years.  I was the intern/communications/pastoral care person, and he was the music director.  We have stayed close friends despite time and distance.

I was as excited as a middle school girl on her first day of school--I had so many questions to ask Mac and my other dear friend Gary.  They are wise and faithful, and most importantly they know me and yet they love me--the exact combination I needed.  After we had lunch and they imparted their wisdom (I had to resist the urge to ask if I could take notes--they know I'm crazy but that seemed over the top), Mac and I went for a walk through the city.

We went into the The Cathedral of St. John the Baptist where he is the music director.  He first introduced me to the lady who works in the kitchen--that is so Mac--friends with everyone.  She was amazing and I told her I was trying to steal him back.  "We'll fight over him," she laughed.  Next we went into the wedding coordinator's office.  "This is my best friend from Louisville," Mac said.  My heart burst--seriously back to the middle school girl--I'm thinking I'll sign everything to him BFF. (Truthfully, I needed that affirmation--needed to hear that I was loved and true or not that I was someone's favorite, that I mattered to someone--but that's another blog.)  "I'm going to go play some for her."  FOR ME!!!! (Did you hear that?  He was playing FOR ME!!!)

The cathedral is beautiful and a popular tourist attraction.  People were milling about as I followed Mac through the "Do not enter" signs; I was secretly feeling superior.  We went up into the choir loft and he began to play.  I admit my first thoughts were, "All you people get to hear this, but it's really FOR ME." I really am a middle school girl in a middle age body....

As Mac began to play, the tears began to fall, and I remembered.  Mac was new at St. Mark's.  We were in the middle of the Eucharistic prayer; I was standing at the altar next to the The Rev. Dr. Charles Hawkins (another amazing man) and I looked up.  Standing next to the organ was Mac, not sitting, but standing and quietly and inconspicuously participating.  His personal piety and mine seemed to be the same (over time I learned that we did indeed share a high Eucharistic theology--again another blog.)  In that moment I fell in love with Mac; I fell in love with his reverence and with his humility. I fell in love with a man who gave his gift to the church not to promote himself but as a prayer to God. In that moment, I began to fall in love with sacred music, because in that moment I understood...

Over the next few years I learned so much about sacred music from Mac.  He patiently explained to me how he chose different pieces and why certain anthems were appropriate for different seasons. There were many times that I was almost paralyzed during service as a piece washed over me and deepened my worship experience.  (I got to use those very pieces during my ordination.)  Mac chose service music to be a part of worship not to overtake worship--not to be a concert.  Make no mistake, it was concert worthy, but what I learned from Mac, what I loved and love about Mac is knowing that music during worship is his gift to the people. Mac didn't try to put himself in the spotlight; he let the music be the gift not himself.  He is humble, faithful and good.  What I learned from Mac was we all have different ministries.  Mac's ministry is music, mine is not.  It doesn't mean I don't care about the music it just means I leave it to those whose gift it is.  I have my gifts to offer worship, to offer ministry in the world and Mac has his.

As I sat there the tears falling, I realized I finally had the answer to the pseudo question/comment.  It wasn't about caring or not caring--that's what rankled me.  I absolutely cared about music in worship. I, in fact, have my preferences, but what I don't have is the need to, the desire to, the skill to, the gift to choose sacred music.  Music is not my ministry, and that's okay...

Thinking back on that day last month I realize Mac taught me or at least reminded me of more that day.  We each have a ministry that God has given us--for some of us it's being vested and serving on the altar during services, but for many other people it's in the world, in the ordinary every day world. No one's ministry is more important than another's,  and no one's ministry should be co-opted by another, controlled by another--rather it is by owning our own ministries and by working together, as the entire body of Christ, together and co creating with God that one day the Kingdom of God will truly reign.

I've spent the past couple of years trying to find the words to answer the question, but the answer, the answer was already there...the answer was in the music.

Thank you Mac-a-doodle; I love you.