The Gift of Ignorance and the Beauty of Mystery

Twenty years ago I was pregnant with our first child.  I was so young, so naive.  My sister was pregnant at the same time and we would compare notes on pregnancy, but really what did either of us know?  Her baby's heart rate was constantly in the 160's so we assumed she was having a girl (we were right), my baby's heart rate rarely got above 104 so we just knew I was having a boy (we were wrong).  Baby's heart rate = sex of baby--that's the only think I thought...

The baby was due late August; in the middle of August my OB/GYN asked me to start coming in daily to have a stress test and sonogram done.  "Sure," I thought, "no problem.  I can come in right before work (I worked at the hospital) and plus I'll get more sonogram photos."  That's truly all I thought--I didn't think to ask questions; I didn't have a home computer; I'm not sure web md existed.

The morning of Wednesday August 30 I reported in and had the test.  The technician said to me, "Are you heading up to your office?  Dr. Work may want to call you."  "I am," I replied, "Have a few groups to run, but otherwise I'll be around."  When Dr. Work called me he said that he thought now might be a good time to start trying to induce labor.  He suggested I call my husband and we meet him in labor and delivery within the next few hours.  I never thought to ask why today--the gift of ignorance

We arrived full of anticipation, excitement, and nervousness.  Dr. Work explained that since I wasn't dilating he wanted to do this thing (I still can't remember what it's called).  All through Wednesday night the nurses kept applying something to my cervix; nothing happened (except labor pains). The next morning they added pitocin--nothing happened except more intense labor pains.  All through Thursday, Thursday night and Friday contractions continued...Chris would watch the monitor and tell me, "It's almost over."  He now tells me, "I was totally lying they were still going up."  The gift of
ignorance...

Friday evening Dr. Work told us that we needed to start thinking about whether we wanted to continue this way or have a c-section.  He said he'd be

back in a few hours for our decision; that he'd be there all night and it was really up to us.  We talked for a few minutes and Chris left to get a cup of coffee.  All of a sudden monitors started beeping and people started running into the room.  Dr. Work told me we needed to have the c-section now, the anesthesiologist was on his way to do a spinal block--I started trying to read the papers--Daddy kept saying, "Sign the papers"  I started to cry (I was really tired and I really hurt),  "Daddy you tell me not to sign anything without reading it."  He slammed his hand down on the tray and said, "Sign now."  I still had no clue...the gift of ignorance.

As Chris re-entered the room I was being wheeled out; the nurses threw scrubs at him--everything was moving very fast, but for me it was slow motion. We arrived in the OR and I heard a nurse say, "Dr. Kanto has gone to his office.  He's sent Dr. Bunyapen down."  "Oh good" I thought.  Dr. Bunyapen was a close family friend who I had known since I was a small child.  (She also happened to be a neonatologist).  "That's nice of daddy to have her here; he must not be allowed to be in here because we're family."  (Seriously, denial and rationalization are very powerful tools--gifts of ignorance.)

Within minutes Dr. Work had Sarah Katherine out and she was whisked away to the side--with Chris right behind her--the day I started sharing my throne--I heard a nurse say, "We need to call Dr. Kanto." and Dr. Bunyapen replied, "Tell him it's all fine.  Apgar of 10"  I still had no clue--the gift of ignorance.

Fast forward 20 months; I was pregnant again and living in Athens.  I wanted to try not to have a cesarean, but I kept getting bigger and bigger--(ask Chris to imitate me; it's quite funny).  Dr. Cline requested my records from Dr. Work; as she read them she said, "Well, I don't know.  We don't know why you never dilated with Sarah Katherine and they couldn't investigate because you were hemorrhaging and they had to get you closed up." Excuse me!  Hemorrhaging!!!   Why didn't I

know?  Why didn't anyone tell me?  I thought that for a moment, and then I thought, "Oh well, I'm sure they had their reasons. Everything's fine now and I have another baby on the way."

We agreed to the c-section and on July 21, we welcomed our first son and second child into the world.  As Dr. Cline was sewing me up she said, "Well, you would have died in childbirth 100 years ago.  Your pelvis won't let a baby drop."  (She and I are friends; I'm sure she doesn't tell just anyone how they could die...)  Dr. Cline went on to deliver two more little bundles of joy---all via c-section. (And for the record you can have more than 3 c-sections--something I worried about when I became pregnant with Caroline and called her in tears because people kept telling me more than 3 c-sections were not allowed.  Dr. Cline, "Why do you listen to what other people say? There is only one way this child is coming out."  I returned to trusting and ignorance.)


Over the years when I've told this story I get a mix of reactions--I get a lot of people saying, "I think it's wrong the doctors kept you in the dark.  You had a right to know what was going on all the time." Or, "Why didn't you ask more questions?" I suspect they're right in some ways, but I didn't ask questions (blind obedience stemming from being the daughter of a doctor).  As I was running this morning I started thinking about this again.  I didn't ask questions because I trusted, and I'm glad I did.  Daddy may remember that Friday evening as being scary, but Chris and I, we had no clue.  We didn't know not everyone has stress tests for the final 3 weeks of pregnancy.  We got to continue to enjoy that time--we get to remember the beauty of bringing our first child into the world and the happiness that enveloped us--no fear, no terror, just love.

When I got pregnant with Christopher I continued to enjoy that time (after the first trimester--I had had a miscarriage between the first two--stop doing the math!  I know they're VERY close together); I trusted.

The wonder of mystery

As I continued to run I thought about how we as a society trust so little. We go to experts but then question everything they tell us; I'm not saying it's not important to be informed, but I wonder if we've lost the art of just trusting.  I wonder if we've lost the practice of allowing life to unfold without having to know all the answers, all the possibilities, all the potential outcomes.  I wonder if we've lost the ability to live in mystery.

This loss of mystery I fear has also crept into our spiritual lives.  We want to, need to, be able to explain everything, to have definites, to have proof. We want absolutes so much that I fear we have lost the ability to glory in the mystery of God--that we have lost the ability to trust in God and to not need all the answers. Have we lost the ability to rest in the mystery of God? Have we lost the ability to believe that God is in control?  I hope not.

Today I give thanks for the gift of ignorance and the beauty of mystery it allows in our lives.