Putting Christmas Away

Telling yourself the truth is really hard...listening to yourself is even harder.

But that's what I got to do today.

Last night I celebrated a dear friend's 40th birthday, and I had too much wine. I woke up this morning mad at myself and kind of dragging. I also knew I had to put Christmas away--an event that even on the best of days leads to my feeling morose, not to mention overwhelmed. I started digging in the drawers and closets to bring back all the "things" that sit out when Christmas is not covering every nook and cranny.

Here's another truth I have to tell myself; actually I told myself this years ago and I'm quite comfortable with it now. I am not good at interior decorating at any level. So every year I either take pictures of (yes I am that neurotic) where everything goes or it's been in the same place for so long, it's seared into my memory. This year is a little more complicated because we have a couple of new pieces of furniture. This is not the year for things to be more complicated!

I decided to take things step by step, you know start with something easy so I don't lose momentum--I chose my desk. That would be easy. I pulled out the pictures that usually sit on top of the desk. I looked at one and thought, "I do not like this picture at all." Now there is nothing inherently wrong with this picture. It's just not my style; it has never been my style; it will never be my style. "Oh well," I sighed as I placed it on top of my desk. See, it was a gift. How could I not keep it out? This person took the time to choose this gift and send it to me to mark a special occasion, of course I had to leave it out. It was required. It was one of those shoulds of life.

The more I looked at it, the more irritated I became. I want LESS stuff out not more, and if I'm going to have less stuff out, shouldn't it be things I actually like? I sat on the floor and seriously argued with myself. The argument turned into a full blown fight--you know the kind of fight they warn you about in pre-marriage counseling? The kind of fight that starts over one thing but then becomes about every negative thing that has ever happened. Yep, that's the rabbit hole I went down....

I have not hidden from myself or the world for that matter, the fact that 2019 was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. Until this morning, however, I have taken very little responsibility for it. The truth is that is unusual for me, or maybe therapy is just working better than I thought. In the past I have felt the need to take responsibility for every thing including but not limited to the state of the world and bad weather.

Now I am not saying the year wasn't horrible--too many young deaths, too much addiction, too many health crisis, too much suffering, just altogether too much. And I will, grudgingly but I will, give myself some credit for simply weathering the storm and getting through. I just realize now I didn't have to get so soaking wet; I could have put on a raincoat and put up an umbrella.

Throughout this year I struggled with keeping a good attitude, keeping my faith life in order, keeping organized, and just keeping on. So I kept trying to use the same routines that have worked for so many years. Getting up at the same time, weighing myself 3 times, starting the coffee, starting the laundry, sitting down for morning prayer...you get the picture. But it wasn't working no matter how much I tried to force it to.

So then I tried to do what other people do--copy their routines. That definitely didn't work--no matter how hard I try to become a quiet contemplative, it just doesn't work!

And here's the truth I had to tell myself, instead of looking for new patterns of behavior, new coping strategies, new ways of being when the tried and true no longer worked, sometimes, I either did nothing or resorted to less than healthy behaviors like not exercising, eating too much or too little, drinking too much, not sleeping enough or too much and making lots of excuses.

I'm not entirely sure how I made this connection as I sat on the floor looking at this picture I don't like but this thought popped into my head. (I'm not entirely sure how I make most connections--and my family, don't even get them started on it...) But anyway, the connection I made was, all those routines didn't work anymore because they were from the past--they were outdated. They no longer fit me, and it was okay to say so. And other people's routines? They don't work, not because there is anything wrong with them, but because they are not my "style." I don't have to keep doing what doesn't work just like I don't have to put this picture up. I can honor what was; I can honor the gifts I have been given, tangible and intangible, and move forward. Things don't have to, in fact things can't, stay the same.

I started putting Christmas away feeling a little bit lighter. I started rearranging where things have always gone and putting them in new places. I chose to only put things out that bring joy to me and the family. I chose to simplify. I chose to leave some things packed away, and I chose to donate or trash others. It is very safe to say neither Southern Living or Architectural Digest is going to request a photo shoot at our home, but it's comfortable and it's me. And I have learned a valuable lesson in responsibility and moving forward.

(For the record, that picture I don't like, it's tucked safely in a drawer...)