I broke my string of pearls....
For my whole life, or what feels like it's my whole life, I've wanted to be a writer. I really want to publish a book. I long to see my name on its cover. It's actually why I started blogging to begin with. I told the children one day I was going to write a book about our lives, and they were THRILLED! No seriously, they were. This was probably 10 years or more ago and at that time they thought me chronicling and sharing every last detail of their lives was super cool. So I started a blog to start recording things. Not this one, This One--Growing Up Doyle.
Back in those days, the children frequently asked, when is your book going to be published? None of us knew anything about the publishing business--probably a good thing because I would have never voiced my dream--chalk it up to that whole "what if I tell people and then I can't do it" part of me. Well right now that part of me is screaming at the cocky person I was 10 years ago thinking I could write a book! Anyway...
Over time I started this blog and began sharing my dream with a few people (and now the whole freaking world or at least the 60 something people who will read this). Some people who aren't related to me so don't have to encourage me while silently laughing, even have told me I should write a book. One person, who is actually in the publishing business, even gave me the title for my book--Running with Pearls. A couple of weeks ago I decided to be brave.
I started working with a coach/spiritual director. One of the first things she said to me was, "You know you're not really a writer. You're more compelling when you speak." Okay, I'm lying she didn't say that. But it's what I heard...
What about my dream to be a writer? What about the really cool title a really cool publisher gave my book?
Well, what my really cool coach/spiritual director actually said that I could hear after I silenced the stupid whiny teenager part of my self, was in response to me saying I wanted to be a writer and a speaker--I meant speaking about my non-existent book, and she said, "I think you ought to start doing some short videos now and getting them out there." I figured why not? (Plus I'm paying her and she told me to, so there is that....)
And then my 20-year-old daughter told me she liked it when I put a video inside a blog, and you know when you're 20-year-old says anything positive to you or about you, you act on it! So I have started sticking videos in like the one at the top of this page. Okay, that's also not entirely true--but truly young adults living at home during Covid is not for the faint of heart! And she would agree--I mean she covered up the I love my mom bumper sticker!!
So now I'm doing all these other things and I have no idea who I really am. Here's another thing--I have no idea if what I'm doing matters to anyone but me. I have no idea whether people are laughing at or with me, and I have no idea where this is going. But here's something I do know, or I'm trying to know.
We are more than one thing. We can do more than one thing. We might even be good at more than one thing. Or we figure something else out.
When my pearls broke I was upset and still am--well not upset enough to already have them at the jewelers--but upset. Wearing pearls is who I am. I never take them off even though I want to be like my really cool friend Andrea who takes hers off every night (see video for explanation)--well I also want to be like her anyway because I'm telling you that woman has her shit together! (Truth, most of the time she has her shit together and does amazing things, but because I get to be her friend, I know it's not always perfect.) But I am not Andrea who lovingly takes her pearls off each night; I am that lady who wears pearls even when I'm running--even when I'm running on the beach with my dog who also wears her pearls--which also broke last night.
But the real lesson in all this is I don't know. I don't know if I'm a writer, or a speaker, or both. I don't know if I'll ever be published or asked to speak anywhere. But I'll never know if I don't try, and I do know whether it reaches anyone else, or means anything to anyone else, it brings me joy--and joy seems to be lacking in huge quantities in the world right now.
I also know this--we all have lots of identities. Important identities--I am a wife, mother, priest, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend. But our most important identity is the identity we all share, and that is we are all beloved children of God created in God's image. And that's enough.
PS--I just got a text from another really cool friend (she may actually be the coolest--at least my children think so) that said "Thank you for your recent posts and thank you for helping me to take a break." That made me smile.
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