I messed up this weekend BIG TIME....
And so, I sit here this morning feeling completely sick to my stomach with a lump in my throat that hasn't left for over 24 hours. I really just want to disappear, but that's not the way. Let me backtrack, and yes I'm going to be a little vague. I said something that was inappropriate and hurtful. I'm not going to repeat it. Only a few people know what it was, and to repeat it would only be more hurtful to others--just trust me, it was bad. And I got, rightfully so, called out. I apologized, and not because I wanted to get out of it, but because I was and am truly sorry. But here's the reality...apologies don't make things go away.
Hear me out.
I'm not suggesting we shouldn't apologize when we make mistakes. And I'm not suggesting we shouldn't forgive. But an apology is not like a magic eraser. Words and actions have consequences. Words and actions damage relationships. It doesn't mean it can't be repaired; it doesn't mean growth won't come. It does mean I can't rationalize my way out or justify my way out or clean my way out or even write my way out. Trust me, I've tried all those ways. No, I have to sit in my discomfort and yes, shame. I have to feel the feelings and let others feel theirs.
True apologies require repentance...and damn the road to repentance is rocky, steep, and hard to travel. I'll keep walking, and I trust I'll get there with a new way of being in the world.
Oh, and letting tears fall is okay too...
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