Last night I went to a PTA meeting. I'm here to tell you after 4 states and a another country--they're all the same; change the accent and the language and one PTA meeting can be moved anywhere. I found myself getting quite annoyed during the meeting and then very irritated after I left. PTA meetings are famous for criticizing anyone who doesn't choose to subject themselves to the PTA by being on the board, chairing a committee or participating 110%. Then there are the complaints about the teachers who don't come to enough "extra" activities. I will publicly admit that I have been one of those who complain, but I also am ready to say enough is enough. Let's start with the teachers-- this is their job and not an organization they are choosing to volunteer for. I agree teachers need to participate, but who are we to decide how much extra time they need to put in? How do we know whether they are actually volunteering at a PTA for another school where their children actually attend? Then there are the comments about how they only work until 4, so what else are they doing? First of all, anyone who is close to a teacher knows that in actuality their minds are never far from their profession. I cannot tell you the number of battlefields and historic sites Chris and I use to stop at to pick up something that might help his class (he used to teach history). These stops were on our personal vacations. I know many teachers that spend Saturday mornings rummaging through yard sales looking for items to improve their classroom--items they pay for themselves. So yes, the children are gone at 4, but the paperwork and the brain power continues and continues. The truth is there are many people who choose teaching because it's a passion and because it fits in with their children's school hours. What's wrong with that? If I were a teacher, there is no way that I would be able to stay after every day for hours to volunteer and I can assure you that I wouldn't be able to run a booth all day at a carnival. I have four children who I am running around every afternoon and all day Saturday. Who should be my priority--volunteering or my children?
Now as for the "others" who don't participate in leadership roles on the PTA. Not everyone wants to be in a leadership position but they are quite happy to be called on to chaperone a field trip, send in supplies or many other things. They choose not to spend an evening a month meeting about the plans. Or maybe they are involved in other activities-- There are some people who have to be in everything, PTA, church leadership, neighborhood council, etc. But there are others who choose one thing to totally devote themselves to, and guess what? Maybe that one thing is "just" their family. That's a great priority and maybe the rest of us should "just" remember that.
26 June, 2008
21 June, 2008
Please smile for the camera and fit into my box
Every year at Christmas we get dozens of Christmas cards with smiling families sitting on the beach, in front of homes, fireplaces and various other places. We say "what a happy beautiful family." But there have been a few times where later in the year we hear of some tragedy--divorce, wayward child, illness and then we are reminded that these are posed pictures and not reality.
But I think we do that in our minds and in the way we view the world as much as we do it with a camera. We have an idea of how something is supposed to look or be and we hold onto that no matter how hard the struggle is for ourselves and often for another person. We want everything to fit inside our little box of life neatly and without complications. I want Christopher to fit inside my box as the preppy dressed son--khakis, buttondowns, needlepoint belts, but he wants to wear low jeans and t-shirts (with writing on them he told me yesterday). What am I afraid of? What people will say--they could say "how could she let him dress like that?" or they could say "good for her for letting him be himself." The reality is that I had a picture of what my son would look like and he's not cooperating because he's not a picture, he's a person with is own picture and box. I can also look at Sarah Katherine and her love of ballet. I never thought I'd have a daughter like her--artistic, creative--where is the child I thought I would have with the long blonde pony tail running down the soccer field? Many years ago I let that go and it's been wonderful. I love to watch her dance and see the pure joy on her face. I don't know much about it but I'm learning.
I think this also goes beyond how people look or what activities they choose to do. This goes down to the heart of people--to who they are. We get uncomfortable when they don't fit into our idea of the world--our little box. We think of family gatherings and having the great big huge extended family together--when it doesn't work we assume there must be something wrong with the people--after all, they aren't fitting into our box. But maybe they're not meant to--maybe it's the child who has grown up and is thankful for his childhood, loves his parents and siblings, but just is no longer invested in the way we think it should be. He wants out of the box or at least to let his head stick out. I think when we try to stuff people back into the box they just creep out the crack at the bottom and we lose them forever.
I assume this analogy can go on and on looking at people's career choices, lifestyle choices, and on and on. How freeing would it be to open our boxes and let people just be in there--to have it spilling over the way my daughters box of stuffed animals is. She loves everyone of them, but some are stuffed to the bottom and don't get out very much; others are barely hanging on but they're there.
Sometimes our picture of life does fit--I am so blessed to have a sister that I can pick up any cheesy card or book about sisters that talks about them being best friends and it fits. But you know what? We had our struggles and I think it fits because we let each other out of the box. We celebrate our differences and relish in our sameness. We are one but different.
I'm not a total idealist and I think there is often grief and pain when our picture changes from what we wanted it to look like to what it is. I have a friend who has two gay sons--I would imagine when they first found out (and I so hesitate to speak for them) but I would imagine there was some sorrow about the grandchildren that may not come at least in the "normal" way. But when I look at these parents look at their children or even just speak about them, there is so much love and joy and it goes back and forth both ways. I want to be those parents.
I have a favorite picture of being wheeled out of the hospital after having Caroline--all four children are in matching smocked outfits. I love this picture, but I realize that it's because it's about me--I am looking down and I felt complete and whole. If I really look at the picture, Christopher and Sarah Katherine are looking away towards something else. Chris' favorite picture of us was taken at a fun studio where everyone wore what they wanted--the children ran and tackled me. There are no straight on shots of faces, but everyone is looking at each other, laughing with eyes full of love. I still love my picture, but why I love it is more clear.
We'll be sending out pictures soon with our new address--look to see if I really could do it--if I really could let the world see my children for who they are and not what I want them to be. In the meantime, I'm going out to buy Christopher a t-shirt with writing on it.
But I think we do that in our minds and in the way we view the world as much as we do it with a camera. We have an idea of how something is supposed to look or be and we hold onto that no matter how hard the struggle is for ourselves and often for another person. We want everything to fit inside our little box of life neatly and without complications. I want Christopher to fit inside my box as the preppy dressed son--khakis, buttondowns, needlepoint belts, but he wants to wear low jeans and t-shirts (with writing on them he told me yesterday). What am I afraid of? What people will say--they could say "how could she let him dress like that?" or they could say "good for her for letting him be himself." The reality is that I had a picture of what my son would look like and he's not cooperating because he's not a picture, he's a person with is own picture and box. I can also look at Sarah Katherine and her love of ballet. I never thought I'd have a daughter like her--artistic, creative--where is the child I thought I would have with the long blonde pony tail running down the soccer field? Many years ago I let that go and it's been wonderful. I love to watch her dance and see the pure joy on her face. I don't know much about it but I'm learning.
I think this also goes beyond how people look or what activities they choose to do. This goes down to the heart of people--to who they are. We get uncomfortable when they don't fit into our idea of the world--our little box. We think of family gatherings and having the great big huge extended family together--when it doesn't work we assume there must be something wrong with the people--after all, they aren't fitting into our box. But maybe they're not meant to--maybe it's the child who has grown up and is thankful for his childhood, loves his parents and siblings, but just is no longer invested in the way we think it should be. He wants out of the box or at least to let his head stick out. I think when we try to stuff people back into the box they just creep out the crack at the bottom and we lose them forever.
I assume this analogy can go on and on looking at people's career choices, lifestyle choices, and on and on. How freeing would it be to open our boxes and let people just be in there--to have it spilling over the way my daughters box of stuffed animals is. She loves everyone of them, but some are stuffed to the bottom and don't get out very much; others are barely hanging on but they're there.
Sometimes our picture of life does fit--I am so blessed to have a sister that I can pick up any cheesy card or book about sisters that talks about them being best friends and it fits. But you know what? We had our struggles and I think it fits because we let each other out of the box. We celebrate our differences and relish in our sameness. We are one but different.
I'm not a total idealist and I think there is often grief and pain when our picture changes from what we wanted it to look like to what it is. I have a friend who has two gay sons--I would imagine when they first found out (and I so hesitate to speak for them) but I would imagine there was some sorrow about the grandchildren that may not come at least in the "normal" way. But when I look at these parents look at their children or even just speak about them, there is so much love and joy and it goes back and forth both ways. I want to be those parents.
I have a favorite picture of being wheeled out of the hospital after having Caroline--all four children are in matching smocked outfits. I love this picture, but I realize that it's because it's about me--I am looking down and I felt complete and whole. If I really look at the picture, Christopher and Sarah Katherine are looking away towards something else. Chris' favorite picture of us was taken at a fun studio where everyone wore what they wanted--the children ran and tackled me. There are no straight on shots of faces, but everyone is looking at each other, laughing with eyes full of love. I still love my picture, but why I love it is more clear.
We'll be sending out pictures soon with our new address--look to see if I really could do it--if I really could let the world see my children for who they are and not what I want them to be. In the meantime, I'm going out to buy Christopher a t-shirt with writing on it.
20 June, 2008
Life is an adventure--throw away the map and don't look back!
I had a conversation yesterday that got me thinking. This person said that she often wondered if she would have made some of the mistakes she has if she had married someone else. She also said she often thought about this other person and what life would have been like married to that person. I was somewhat taken aback and unsure of how to respond. Here is my response
When I married Chris, he was on the career path to become a headmaster of a private school--possibly boarding. I was finishing my masters and was going to complete my PhD and then practice child/adolescent psychology. We wanted 4 children spaced 3 1/2 years apart each but were told it was unlikely I would get pregnant. I was always going to work at least part time. On our year anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. Sarah Katherine was born in September and 6 weeks later I told Chris I really didn't want to go back to work. Chris told me that he didn't want to stay in teaching, so we bought Sylvan Learning Center, moved to Athens and to what I thought would be our home forever. Three children and only 4 years later Chris told me he really wanted to get his MBA and move into the corporate world, so, two weeks after the fourth child was born, we sold the business and started graduate school. In between these years, we became very involved in the church and I began thinking about the priesthood. We made some of the best friends of our lives--Chris finished school and instead of moving to Atlanta as I thought we would, we were off to Pittsburgh. We wanted to work for a company that might take us overseas. Pittsburgh was an interesting stop in our lives--many medical crisis. Looking at just one; Caroline's finger--introduced us to Dr. Sabato who has become so important to our family and to whom I owe the belief that angels walk among us. What if we had not bought the house on Williamsburg? What if we had not renovated the kitchen? Well this wonderful man would not be part of our lives. I loved being an at home mom, cooking, sewing, church work, pta--you name it! I thought it was what I would do forever. Again we thought we would stay for awhile in Pittsburgh, but the company began to reorganize and Chris began looking for a new job. There were several we passed up--what if we had gone there? Instead we went to Virginia thinking we were close to family, it was a small town, and we thought we would raise our children there forever. Caroline started kindergarten and the pull to move on with my life became very strong. I knew what I ultimately felt called to do but really thought it would not happen until the children were grown. I began to look for other jobs to do in the meantime. But life happened again and 20 months later we were off to England where so many fantastic things happened to us. Personally for me, it propelled my discernment process. In Virginia I had spoken to our priest and was beginning the process but understanding that because of logistics it would be several years before anything was formal. Well, off to a small village in Northwest England and then everything moved so quickly and felt so right. We LOVED England and never wanted to come back. We looked at other jobs living on the economy but figured out we couldn't do it. Next thing I know Brown Foreman is calling Chris to interview. We had tried several times over the years to get into this company. What if we had 7 years ago? Think of all the adventures we would have missed. So off to Kentucky we went and are now working on settling in. Is my life where I thought it would be? Not at all--there have been ups and downs, there have been exits we have chosen not to take and other exits we took only to discover we needed to get back on the road. I don't look at it as my life isn't turning out the way I planned but rather that my life is working towards the plan God has for me. Sometimes there are curves when it would be so much faster to just go straight, but I wouldn't have met some of the most wonderful people, seen so many wonderful things and grown in mind, body and spirit.
I don't think we should look back at what might have been with sadness but rather if we need to look back, trace the path that we've been on and the blessings we've received because of choices we did make. Fill in important people, dates, events and I think most of the time we will find we are right where we are supposed to be. Had I not married Chris and begun our life adventure together, I wouldn't be the person I am now and I truly believe I wouldn't be the person God wants me to be--flaws and all. So, I think I'm going to try to remember that each day as I'm in another waiting period. Who will I meet today who will impact my life? What will happen today that will remind me I am right where I need to be? I think spending less time thinking of the what ifs and more time celebrating the adventure of our lives will make most people far happier. To quote the song, "Life is a high way and I'm going to ride it all night long!"
When I married Chris, he was on the career path to become a headmaster of a private school--possibly boarding. I was finishing my masters and was going to complete my PhD and then practice child/adolescent psychology. We wanted 4 children spaced 3 1/2 years apart each but were told it was unlikely I would get pregnant. I was always going to work at least part time. On our year anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. Sarah Katherine was born in September and 6 weeks later I told Chris I really didn't want to go back to work. Chris told me that he didn't want to stay in teaching, so we bought Sylvan Learning Center, moved to Athens and to what I thought would be our home forever. Three children and only 4 years later Chris told me he really wanted to get his MBA and move into the corporate world, so, two weeks after the fourth child was born, we sold the business and started graduate school. In between these years, we became very involved in the church and I began thinking about the priesthood. We made some of the best friends of our lives--Chris finished school and instead of moving to Atlanta as I thought we would, we were off to Pittsburgh. We wanted to work for a company that might take us overseas. Pittsburgh was an interesting stop in our lives--many medical crisis. Looking at just one; Caroline's finger--introduced us to Dr. Sabato who has become so important to our family and to whom I owe the belief that angels walk among us. What if we had not bought the house on Williamsburg? What if we had not renovated the kitchen? Well this wonderful man would not be part of our lives. I loved being an at home mom, cooking, sewing, church work, pta--you name it! I thought it was what I would do forever. Again we thought we would stay for awhile in Pittsburgh, but the company began to reorganize and Chris began looking for a new job. There were several we passed up--what if we had gone there? Instead we went to Virginia thinking we were close to family, it was a small town, and we thought we would raise our children there forever. Caroline started kindergarten and the pull to move on with my life became very strong. I knew what I ultimately felt called to do but really thought it would not happen until the children were grown. I began to look for other jobs to do in the meantime. But life happened again and 20 months later we were off to England where so many fantastic things happened to us. Personally for me, it propelled my discernment process. In Virginia I had spoken to our priest and was beginning the process but understanding that because of logistics it would be several years before anything was formal. Well, off to a small village in Northwest England and then everything moved so quickly and felt so right. We LOVED England and never wanted to come back. We looked at other jobs living on the economy but figured out we couldn't do it. Next thing I know Brown Foreman is calling Chris to interview. We had tried several times over the years to get into this company. What if we had 7 years ago? Think of all the adventures we would have missed. So off to Kentucky we went and are now working on settling in. Is my life where I thought it would be? Not at all--there have been ups and downs, there have been exits we have chosen not to take and other exits we took only to discover we needed to get back on the road. I don't look at it as my life isn't turning out the way I planned but rather that my life is working towards the plan God has for me. Sometimes there are curves when it would be so much faster to just go straight, but I wouldn't have met some of the most wonderful people, seen so many wonderful things and grown in mind, body and spirit.
I don't think we should look back at what might have been with sadness but rather if we need to look back, trace the path that we've been on and the blessings we've received because of choices we did make. Fill in important people, dates, events and I think most of the time we will find we are right where we are supposed to be. Had I not married Chris and begun our life adventure together, I wouldn't be the person I am now and I truly believe I wouldn't be the person God wants me to be--flaws and all. So, I think I'm going to try to remember that each day as I'm in another waiting period. Who will I meet today who will impact my life? What will happen today that will remind me I am right where I need to be? I think spending less time thinking of the what ifs and more time celebrating the adventure of our lives will make most people far happier. To quote the song, "Life is a high way and I'm going to ride it all night long!"
18 June, 2008
DId they like me?
Last night I was invited to attend a book club. There were nine women there all of whom had known each other for over 3 years. Six of them had children all attending the same school. I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed being out with a group of women (I also enjoyed the converstation on the Count of Monte Cristo). So how do I go from them to lying in bed wondering whether I was liked? All the evidence shows that they did--I was invited to come back and even asked to host one for next year. But I tossed and turned wondering whether I talked too much, not enough (probably not possible), said something stupid, seemed snobby, childish, or any other number of adjectives--none of them positive. Is it insecurity, low self esteem, or exhaustion of being on the perpetual first date? This morning I am trying to answer that question and I think it is all of the above plus a little bit of something I don't want to admit.
During the readings for daily prayer, Romans 2:1 says, "If you think you can judge others, you are wrong. When you judge them, you are really judging yourself guilty, because you do the same things they do." That smacked me in the face. Part of my anxiety is that I have dissected others after first meeting them to decide if they were like me or would be a good friend. I have judged so of course I am worried that I was judged. I have been on both sides. What can I learn from this? Well I have much more to learn, but one thing I do know is that first judgements are not always accurate. There are people in my life so important to me and I wouldn't havethought that would have happened after the first time we met. There are others that I thought would become fast good friends and found out that it wasn't going to be. Is this over for me? Not at all; I suspect that I will spend my lifetime struggling with being on both sides, but I hope that more times than not I am not judging. My prayer is that I will remember this day and remember that by judging I too will be judged.
It's hard right now when I have no local friends and really want some. It's hard to feel lonely and see a group of women and want at least one of them to become a good trusted friend. Maybe one of them will be--maybe they all judged me and I will find I don't want to be friends with any of them. I don't know yet, but I do know that I have been changed by acknowledging that I have been judged and I have judged.
During the readings for daily prayer, Romans 2:1 says, "If you think you can judge others, you are wrong. When you judge them, you are really judging yourself guilty, because you do the same things they do." That smacked me in the face. Part of my anxiety is that I have dissected others after first meeting them to decide if they were like me or would be a good friend. I have judged so of course I am worried that I was judged. I have been on both sides. What can I learn from this? Well I have much more to learn, but one thing I do know is that first judgements are not always accurate. There are people in my life so important to me and I wouldn't havethought that would have happened after the first time we met. There are others that I thought would become fast good friends and found out that it wasn't going to be. Is this over for me? Not at all; I suspect that I will spend my lifetime struggling with being on both sides, but I hope that more times than not I am not judging. My prayer is that I will remember this day and remember that by judging I too will be judged.
It's hard right now when I have no local friends and really want some. It's hard to feel lonely and see a group of women and want at least one of them to become a good trusted friend. Maybe one of them will be--maybe they all judged me and I will find I don't want to be friends with any of them. I don't know yet, but I do know that I have been changed by acknowledging that I have been judged and I have judged.
12 June, 2008
The Power of Words
Last night Christopher crept down the stairs with tears streaming down his face and a look of total sadness. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't say. Knowing our family, I assumed one of his siblings was bleeding upstairs and we were on our way to the Emergency Room, but because I heard no screaming I discarded that thought. I then assumed he was coming down to confess some horrible act he had committed that day, but again I was wrong. He came over very close to me and said, "I don't want you to get mad" (back to the he must have done something thought) and then he whispered, "I miss England." My first response was "Why would I get mad? I miss it very much too." "But you never talk about it", he replied.
Why don't I talk about it? Probably some selfish reasons and some Mama Bear reasons. I don't talk about it because I miss it dreadfully--the people, the place and who I was there. And I also don't talk about it because I thought that made it easier on the children. They all seem to be doing so well settling in here and I didn't want to upset the apple cart. But I was wrong--they (or at least Christopher) needs to talk about it.
Words--they are powerful. How often we hear or give warnings about the power of words. "Choose your words wisely" "Words can rip you apart like a knife" "Think before you speak" "You can't take back what you said once it's out" Yes they are powerful and can be wielded in horrible hurtful ways, but they can also be a soothing blanket. They can comfort, bring laughter, and bring peace. Maybe there are times we shouldn't worry so much about words and instead let them come freely. It seems that like so many things in life, it is a thin line--how we use or don't use our words. I don't know how we stay on the right side of the line and never let our words hurt others. I suppose that's impossible and thus we have the power of forgiveness (for a later blog). But I do know now that sometimes our fear of using words, our silence, causes just as much pain. I don't have the answer to always know when to speak and when to stay quiet, but I do know that today we're talking all about England!
Why don't I talk about it? Probably some selfish reasons and some Mama Bear reasons. I don't talk about it because I miss it dreadfully--the people, the place and who I was there. And I also don't talk about it because I thought that made it easier on the children. They all seem to be doing so well settling in here and I didn't want to upset the apple cart. But I was wrong--they (or at least Christopher) needs to talk about it.
Words--they are powerful. How often we hear or give warnings about the power of words. "Choose your words wisely" "Words can rip you apart like a knife" "Think before you speak" "You can't take back what you said once it's out" Yes they are powerful and can be wielded in horrible hurtful ways, but they can also be a soothing blanket. They can comfort, bring laughter, and bring peace. Maybe there are times we shouldn't worry so much about words and instead let them come freely. It seems that like so many things in life, it is a thin line--how we use or don't use our words. I don't know how we stay on the right side of the line and never let our words hurt others. I suppose that's impossible and thus we have the power of forgiveness (for a later blog). But I do know now that sometimes our fear of using words, our silence, causes just as much pain. I don't have the answer to always know when to speak and when to stay quiet, but I do know that today we're talking all about England!
11 June, 2008
What's in a Name?
I suppose we all have special feelings about our names. My given name is from both my great grandmothers which endears it to me and makes my husband crazy everytime he has to fill out legal forms because I now have 4 names--he can never remember which two we put together since all forms only have space for first, middle, and last. Then we all have those nicknames picked up in childhood--we spend our adolescents cringing when our parents call us those in public, but I suppose one day when our parents are gone we will all long to hear them say it aloud just one more time. All my children (that's four of them) have special names bestowed on them practically from birth--Monkey Moo, Boss, Willie Wonka, and Carolina. Now, they have blessed me with my own special name--Madre. My eldest began calling me Madre several weeks ago and I have to admit, I love it. It's usually said with love and affection and typically in a playful way. Why am I thinking about it right now? Well first of all because I had to come up with a name to start this blog, but also because she's been gone for 6 days and although I hear her say it on the phone, I can't wait to see her smile, feel her arms around me, and hear her say, "Madre". What's in a name? If someone you love is saying it--everything.
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