Why I Gave Up Drinking Wine

You'd think this was an easy answer to give, an easy blog to write--it's neither.  In fact I've known for a few weeks I'd one day write this blog, but honestly I thought it would be much later--much, much later--like years.  I had some words for the answer but not enough. At least I didn't think I had enough.  I didn't understand them all myself.  But then yesterday I got an email from a dear friend--darn these dear friends I'm so lucky to have!  The subject line said, "Do you ever wonder?"  and then this was all that was in the body

.whether you and Brene Brown were separated at birth?  Listening to imperfect parenting in the car :-)

Tara didn't know that I LOVE Brene Brown; she didn't know that my cousin Heather introduced her to me years ago with her Ted talk o vulnerability or that my therapist recently mandated (she says she strongly recommended, but I know the truth) that I read I Thought It Was Just Me; she didn't know that I had read and reread and will continue to reread The Gifts of Imperfection; and she didn't know I would take that as both an immense compliment and a life long challenge.  She probably did know that I would immediately read or listen to the book.  (She knows me pretty well.)  So last night I downloaded the audio book and began listening to it on my way to work out this morning.  It's a good thing I left early as I kept having to pull over to write something down she said.

Giving up wine has been a process these last few months.  If I'm honest it's been a process for a few years.  When my mother went to rehab the first time, my sister and I both gave up wine.  Wine was her drug of choice and we were scared enough to just stop.  Over time we both began drinking wine again, but every so often we'd stop for a few months just to make sure.  It's been awhile since I've done that.

It's been a long and emotional six months.  These past six months have been some of the most powerful in our family, and they have also been some of the most painful and frightening.  We've had moments where Chris and I looked at our children and thought, "How did we get so lucky?" and there have been moments when we have thought, "we are the biggest parental failures ever."  We both noticed we were drinking more than usual.  We talked about it; we cut back; we paid attention--at least I thought I did.  One Sunday evening we had two banquets.  Chris and Caroline went to one and the others and I went to the other.  I hadn't eaten much that day; I knew to be careful.  I had a vodka tonic and that was all I was going to have.  A friend went to the bar and brought me a glass of wine.  And then I had another.  I may have had a third, I don't know.  I do know I argued with the children on the way home, and I do know that I woke up the next morning full of shame.  I sent all the children and Chris an email that said I wasn't going to drink at all again for awhile.  I apologized for the night before, and I said I never wanted them to live the way I had growing up.  I drank nothing for two weeks.

After two weeks I began to have some drinks but not much.  It was easy to have just one beer or just one cocktail.  Then the night happened--the night that led to another blog Despite the pain, love wins.  That night I was working on graduation party decorations; I was watching TV; and I was drinking wine.  I was waiting up for the big kids to get home, and I kept drinking wine.  When Boss came in I knew he'd been drinking; he admitted it, handed me his phone and went to bed.  I went to bed too.  I didn't sleep much.

The next morning I went through his texts and one I found made my heart stop.  I broke out in a sweat; I sat in the floor and watched as scenes from my life flashed before my eyes.  I listened to long ago and numerous conversations I had with my brother and sister.  I began to shake as I read these words in a text between SK and Boss.  "She drank a lot tonight."  "I know I'm scared."  "Do you think we should tell Daddy?"  "I don't know; it was awful."  "Let's wait and see."  The texts continued the next morning, "Did you see the email she sent us?"  "Yeah, that's good."  Shame washed over me.

Later in the morning I was lecturing Boss.  "Don't you know we have alcoholism in the family?  Don't you know the earlier you start to drink the more likely it is you'll be one too?"  He said he did--And then I told him, "I can't do this again with another family member.  I can't go to another family fun camp at a rehab facility." And well you can see the blog from above what happened.

That afternoon I told SK I had seen the texts and that I was sorry.  I told her I would stop drinking forever that I didn't want them to feel like or to experience what I had for so many years.  She began to cry and told me that she was sorry I saw the texts because it was a one night thing.  They had never had those conversations before and she thought I was fine.  I remained haunted and terror-stricken.  I didn't want to destroy the relationship I have with any of my children.  The texts kept periodically appearing before my eyes and the echo of Boss' words, "I'm never having anything to do with this family." swirled within my soul.  I was busy with the week, but the words continued to pump through both my subconscious and my conscious.  The weekend came; we had SK's  graduation party; I drank two drinks and switched to water.  It was easy to do.

Two nights later I sat in the den and had a glass of wine, then a second, and then a third.  I stood up to go to bed and knocked over my favorite wine glass.  It broke, and I broke.  I realized that I like wine--a lot.  I realized that I could have one beer or one cocktail, but once I started drinking wine, I liked it too much.   The broken glass was the final straw.  I took it as a sign.  As I picked up the pieces, all the pieces from the previous six weeks fell into place and I thought, "How can I lecture my son when this is the way I behave?"   I didn't want to burden anyone with my realization, but I needed to tell someone; I needed accountability.  And so I told three people--three people who have walked with me and loved me through these last six months--Chris, Emily, and SK.  I asked them to support me and to hold me accountable.  I couldn't explain it exactly except to say I like wine too much.  I have to stop.  Please help me.

Listening to the audio book this morning it all made sense.  I carry so much shame from the secrets of my family of origin.   (I fully recognize that with this blog they aren't all secret anymore, but they were for many years.)  I carry so much grief and pain, so much regret.  Instantly the answer to why I gave up drinking wine became clear with these words from Brene Brown, "We have to be the adults we want our children to become."  I wasn't being that--

In one of her books I have read she writes recognizing and accepting our own vulnerabilities is key because giving voice to our greatest fears takes the power (shame) right out of them.  My two greatest fears are that I turn into my alcoholic mother, and that I lose the love and respect of my children.  I am claiming my power.  Brown says, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” 
― Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

It's been just over three weeks, but I know I am capable of change.  I gave up drinking wine.