Cousins of the Heart

Cousins Weekend started in 1996.  We all gathered for Gangan's birthday and a tradition was begun.  That year there were 2 great grandchildren--the second generation of cousins; now there are 12.  The cousins, both first and second generation, start talking about it months in advance.  As the date gets closer, the excitement mounts.  Pictures posted on social media always have comments of, "Just a few more weeks and I'll see you"  "I know--love ya!"  We have had 18 Cousins Weekends--it has moved around during the summer based on everyone's schedule.  When we lived in England they planned around our trip home; the year Gangan died we had her service on Cousins Weekend;.  Not everyone can always make it--camp, sports, college sometimes get in the way, but it always happens--until this year....

Gangan's service

It was such a long week--an emotional week.  Chris and I didn't get much sleep.  It seemed like every day there was something new--something else to worry about (read obsess about for me).  Wednesday night Chris said, "Maybe we need to reconsider going this weekend."  And I burst into tears.  How could we not go?  Cousins Weekend sustains me through the year--cousins weekend is the one weekend I feel completely sane, the one weekend I feel like I totally belong, like I'm totally accepted,  the one weekend I can just be me. I've tried to explain it in a blog--I've semi-succeeded.  What's so special about Cousins Weekend?

"We'll go.  We'll go." Chris jumped in.  "Absolutely we'll go.  We'll make it work."   We went to bed

and I laid awake worrying.  He was so tired--physically and emotionally.   He was going to have to do all the driving--we had to rent a car; I can't drive because of the boot; Boss can't help drive because it's a rental--10 hours each way.  There was still stuff hanging out there--emotional stuff--that we hadn't resolved...

Thursday morning I was a mess--well more of a mess than normal.  As Chris left for work I said, "Maybe we should think about not going."  "I'll leave it up to you," he said as he kissed my cheek and left.  I needed to process, so I walked to my therapist's office.  (I know not the smartest thing to do when you're in a boot, but smarter than driving or losing your mind...)  After an hour of many tears, I knew I had to pull the plug on Cousins Weekend, and it broke my heart.  And I knew it was going to break my children's hearts.

I told Caroline as we were waiting for the neurologist to check her concussion--not the best timing.  She was furious; tears streamed down her face and for the first time ever I witnessed her being rude to an adult (well an adult outside of the family).  She would barely speak to him.  As we got in the car after the appointment William said, "When should we pack for Cousins Weekend?"  Caroline glared at me as I responded, "We're not going."  Dead silence...we got home and Boss asked me what was going on.  I told him--he flew down the stairs, punched a hole in the wall and paced.  This was not going well.

I couldn't bear the thought of talking to anyone.  I didn't know what I wanted to share about our decision, so I texted the group.  Cowardly I know.  Immediately the texts came flying back--'we'll reschedule', 'let us know what we can do', ' going to miss seeing you but really hoping everything's okay', 'do you want me to drive to C'ville for SK's birthday?'  Second generation cousins started texting, checking on each other.  I felt the love, but I still couldn't engage.

 Friday morning I woke up to a text from my sister letting me know she was here if I wanted to talk.  Beth called and left a message--before I could even listen to it I knew it would start, "Hey cheeka" and it did.  Taylor sent a text, "What's up with the Doyle's?  Someone in jail?"  And for the first time I laughed.

Yesterday I wanted blueberry muffins--a Cousin Weekends staple--so I walked to Kroger.  (Again

not a smart move in a boot)  Coming home I called Beth.  I told her everything--the whole year of pain came spewing out.  As we were hanging up she said, "I totally understand why you had to cancel; I just wish you were here so I could give you a big hug.  Luv ya!"

It hit me--Cousins Weekend is important, and I'm so glad we're rescheduling.  I need to see the cousins; I need a weekend with just the cousins, but it's not the weekend that makes us; it's the heart.

Joan Chittister says,
"We all need someone, somewhere to support us when we fail, to sustain us as we grow, to beckon us beyond the present to the complete development of the self. Most of all, we each need someone who sees in us what we may not even see in ourselves — and requires us to pursue it."

So thankful I have The Cousins.