A Village with Boundaries

Several weeks ago I ran into a man I know and admire (for

many reasons, but his photography--it's a step above everything) and he asked me a question, "I know you love having Charlotte (better known as The Toddler), but I have a question."  I momentarily stopped breathing dreading the question I knew was going to follow.  "But what about your priesthood?  What are you going to do? Are you ever going to return to work?  Is anyone talking to you?  Why did you resign?"  (Obviously these questions are if not a daily part of my life a weekly part--and for the record the answers are, "I'm still a priest. I don't know what I'm going to do. Yes I'm going to return to work and yes people are talking to me--some even about my future in ministry....the other is another blog)

He asked none of those questions.  Instead he said, "Are you more of a follow the rules just as her mother wants you to do or a spoil her rotten and do whatever you want?"  I stumbled through the answer, but like so many things in my life the question has remained with me.

The short answer is "both."  Do we give her more than one cookie in the afternoon?  Yep.  Do we let

her stand on our counters as long as she want asking, 'How about...?' Yep. (Sometimes even naked) But do we make her say please and thank you? Yep.  Do we let her hit us? Nope (although last week when I told her know to hitting and she cried I did have to leave the room while I teared up too.) That was the short answer.

Over the past several weeks I've been thinking about what our role is in The Toddler's life and what it should be.  I don't know how it will play out forever, but I think there are a few things that are important, crucial even--things I was taught as a young mother...things about villages and boundaries

My mind went to many episodes in our young family's lives and how so many people taught me how to know the difference--

• Aunt Gillian not allowing Sponge Bob to be watched when our children were over because she knew how much it mattered to me. (And she didn't tell my children or hers that I was the neurotic overly protective controlling Mama--she maybe should have told me.)  
• The Banse's giving Caroline 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast (they also let her sit with them in church so I didn't have to deal with the sugar high!)
• Woody looking over Boss's head for the answer from us when Boss said, "I know I'm not really old enough to play football but I think I'm tough enough, can I play?"
• Aunt Ingrid and Aunt Anne telling me on separate occasions, "SK can tell me anything and I won't tell you unless I think she's in danger." But Aunt Ingrid writing me first and sharing a letter she wanted to send SK to make sure it was okay.
• All the parents over the years who called and asked whether a particular movie was acceptable and particularly the ones who understood when we said 'no.'

There are some things that make no difference, but there are others that are plain and simply crossing boundaries, boundaries of parents' rights.  Dessert without eating dinner--no big deal; doing something that violates a moral or value the parents hold dearly--huge.  It's knowing the difference, erring on the side of the parents, asking the question that matters--it takes a village but a village respecting the parents that truly matters.  I'm grateful we had that village; I want to be that village.  And there my friend is your answer....a village with boundaries--hope I don't cross them....