The Twelve Step Eucharist and Transformation

I had no idea what to expect.  Jamie and I really wanted to attend a service at Grace Episcopal in Charleston.  Bishop vonRosenberg had been Jamie's sister's, (and my sister by friend-in-law rules) The Rev. Taylor Dinsmore, Bishop years before.  Taylor had so much love, respect and admiration for this man.  She kept telling me, "You have to meet him."  The only weekly Eucharist we saw was on Friday evening--it was a Twelve Step Eucharist.

Jamie mentioned the Eucharist; I must admit I paused a moment--unsure.  Did I want to go to a Twelve Step Eucharist?  I struggle with the 12 steps.  That's not entirely true--in that moment I realized I hated the 12 steps.  I hated I knew them; I hated they were part of my life; and I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of the anger at the person who brought them into my life.  I had no idea how much anger was still simmering under the surface of my daily life.  (To read part of the story Why I Gave Up Drinking Wine)  Wanting to meet Bishop vonRosenberg over powered my angry al anon self, and I agreed to go.

I arrived early (I was meeting Jamie).  As I sat in the pew, I was not only struck by the beauty of Grace Episcopal, I was overcome with the amount of joy surrounding me.  Every person who walked in seemed to exude peace and so much joy.  My carefully constructed angry armor began to come unhinged.

There is so much I can say about the Eucharist (and I will if you give me the time--but I won't give you my copy of the bulletin--I'll make you a copy--I always have it), but there were two parts that have stayed with me--two parts that particularly touched my soul--two parts that transformed me, two parts that reignited my love for and my belief in people and in the Church.

The Rev. John Zahl was the homilist.  He told his story eloquently, but more importantly, in my opinion, he told his story as part of The Story.  He told his story in connection with the Gospel.  I kept listening for pride or self promotion or the opportunity to puff himself up, to exult himself for "defeating this disease",  but all I heard was humility and mercy and compassion and love and grace.  I don't remember the entire sermon word for word (I very much want a copy), but one part continues to resonate.  He said (and I am taking liberty quoting), "He didn't beat him up about what he had done. He had beaten himself up enough for both of them.  He just offered him compassion and grace.  Just like Jesus didn't list every sinners sins; he was just present with mercy, love, forgiveness, compassion, and grace."

"I'm not there" I felt my heart say.  I still want to list every hurt I've experienced because of alcoholism, and I want Mama to take responsibility for each and every one.  (I do not, however, want to list the hurts I've caused because of my response to this disease...)  "Let go." my soul said, "You need to give to your mother the same love, compassion, and grace you extend to everyone else. The same love, compassion, forgiveness and grace you PREACH!"  I'm still working on it.

I was holding it together.  No tears yet (and y'all know that's a miracle)!  The offertory music began; I looked up at the altar, and it happened. The tears began to cascade down my face. Bishop vonRosenberg was setting the table. He was setting the table for himself!  A bishop at the altar with other clergy present was setting his own table; I couldn't believe my eyes; I froze (except for the tears pooling in my lap)--it was a powerful testimony of servant leadership.  In a church where hierarchy can reign, where hierarchy can be abused, in a world where privilege and elitism win more times than not, in that moment Love won--the Kingdom of God was fully and completely present.  In that moment, I experienced the Gospel in its entirety--in its total fullness--in humanity.

God was present in those moments and God continues to work in my life through the words and actions of these two men.  The transparency of The Rev. Zahl, the willingness to be real, to be open, to be honest and to be challenging has given me the strength to dig deep and to try each and every day to find that love, forgiveness, and compassion I so desperately need.  I wish I could write I've done it completely, that I've done it once and for all, but I can't.  I have less armor on and it's getting easier, there are more moments of peace, it's a process...

And at at time when I desperately needed to see the Church in a different way, at a time when I was somewhat (read very) jaded by the power dynamics, by the politics of Church, at a time when I was mired and wallowing in the negative, Bishop vonRosenberg quietly and humbly modeled the Church at its best.  I was transformed....

Addendum:  There are many people in the Church--clergy and lay alike--who are conduits of God's love, compassion, forgiveness, servanthood and grace.  Today's post is not to deny that but rather a personal narrative of how I was transformed by two particular people at a time in my life when I needed it most. Taylor was right--I had to meet him....