Maybe They Don't Like Me

Three years ago I swore I would never run for anything in the Diocese again. Sitting there year after year (okay really at that time it had only been 3 years...) hearing them read the names of those elected or as I told myself the names of the "winners" and never hearing my name was something I just didn't want to continue enduring-in my possibly dramatic mind I said, "I don't want to keep being one of the losers." But then last year....

Last year a colleague asked me to please run for a specific position; I said, "no." She pursued; I said no; she pursued and she wore me down....(those who know Rose will totally understand). I told myself over and over, "you won't win you're just doing this so Rose can fill all the spots; it'll be okay; it'll be okay; it'll be okay." They brought the results back; I began my now perfected method of looking busy and as though there was something really important I needed to be dealing with on my phone or with my papers--last year the UL/UVA game was being played at that exact time so it was kinda true. They began reading the results and suddenly I heard my name--I was dazed and confused, but also kind of feeling like I suppose Chicago Cubs fans now feel--like a curse had been lifted.

So this year...this year I didn't wait for someone to ask me. This year Rose put me on the nominating committee and I (I wish I didn't have to admit this) nominated MYSELF! My pledge long forgotten with one election...

The results came back and they began reading the names for clergy deputies for General Convention--there would be 4 deputies and 2 alternates--7 of us ran (yes do the math--there will be 1 loser...). They announced they were reading them in order of votes; I held my breath as they began reading and didn't exhale until they were finished and then I quickly reverted to my pre pledge posture of looking down, face reddened because, yep you guessed it, my name wasn't read. I was THE ONE! I felt humiliation begin in my toes and rise throughout my whole body, not only was I the loser, but it was in front of my husband and son and my senior warden who I so admire. I couldn't look at them, and in my now totally self absorbed mind I was certain they were intentionally not making eye contact with me...

Convention was over; I wanted to disappear quickly, but no--now I had to go to a meeting for that position I was elected to last year--and that meeting took FOREVER!!!

Several hours later, after watching football and possibly drinking a beer I blurted out to Chris trying to hold back my tears, "I thought people liked me; I thought I was respected; I thought people think I'm a good priest; I am so embarrassed. I am never running for anything again." Chris very wisely only said, "I don't think it has anything to do with that." While he needed to say it, he also knew that trying to talk me out of my neurosis while I was in full blown mode was, well was frankly dangerous...

Then I started trying to soothe myself and keep myself from spiraling into a bunch of irrational rash generalizations you know the ones that lead to "I am a terrible human being that no one could possibly think has any value" or "I'll never be good enough"--I started trying to be reasonable or at least to rationalize and lets face it, when you're the mother of four teenagers rationalizing becomes an art form. (Becky, I consider this progress btw....)

I have done enough self work to know that while I might stew in those thoughts for a moment, they aren't true. Instead of staying there I started processing. "I really don't even know why I want to go to General Convention. Do I just want to have something to add to my "resume" or do I really feel called to go? Do I just want to see my friends? Do I just want to feel important?"  I honestly couldn't answer those questions, and while I was calming down it wasn't tranquilizing or even numbing my bruised ego or tossing a life preserver to my plummeting self confidence and esteem...

I switched tactics and began thinking about what type of person would be effective as a deputy for General Convention and what type of person I am. "Hmmm," I thought, "A deputy at General Convention probably needs to be someone who can remain calm, see the big picture, hear many voices, you know, a cool, calm and collected rationale person, and quiet (I threw that in), the person definitely needs to be quiet. Maybe that's not me." (It did occur to me I hear many voices--but they're usually in my head, not necessarily a good sign...)

I thought about how my therapist describes me, "An over eager, enthusiastic, excited puppy." I also thought about an incident when my wonderful Bishop said to one of our Canons, "Watch this." and then looked at me and said one word, and yes my head might have spun around three times and I might have become highly animated and loud--very, very loud---so maybe cool, calm and collected isn't me.

Because I can't make anything be simple and I have a hard time letting go of feelings, particularly hurt ones (picture a puppy with a bone who has just been scolded), I am still thinking about all of this. I keep thinking about leadership styles, their differences--their pros and their cons. I have thought about how working with our Canon to the Ordinary I have learned and am continuing to learn how to step back and take in the whole landscape not just the one beautiful tree or the one dying tree right in front of me--a skill that has been critical in my new call as priest-in-charge. I have thought about how I have learned I do not have to respond to everything right away--in fact, many many times it is better when I take some time before responding--time to process (read obsess but in a good way). What this does not mean, however, is that I don't first become highly agitated and emotional spewing all sorts of things--I just do it in private now (or with a few close family and friends that know I just need to get it out...) I have also learned that while I am not skilled at everything or even a lot of things, I am not embarrassed to ask questions and to try to learn, and I am also learning to own my own perspectives as valid even if others disagree.

And possibly most importantly I have learned I'm not one or the other...I can be the priest/person who is cool, calm and collected and even quiet (or at least look that way) at times, but I am also and probably more so the priest/person who cries giving the homily at a funeral, who runs across the room boot and all to see my friends and colleagues I haven't seen for awhile, who shrieks regardless of where I am when I hear good news from others, who might say shit in a sermon, who wears bright clothes and high heels, who wears her heart on her sleeve and is overly sensitive and takes things personally, who is almost completely transparent and takes TMI to a whole new level, and who isn't afraid to laugh at herself.

So I'm not going to General Convention, and I still do want to go. The disappointment is still there and I am still feeling a little bit raw. But I'm no longer obsessively trying to figure out why or to think about what is wrong with me. (I say no longer obsessively trying--it still does cross my mind--back to that transparency thing) I recognize there could be many reasons none of which changes who I am and who God created me to be. I fully believe we all have different gifts and that each of us has our own ministry and sometimes it's not what we "want" or think we want. I definitely never thought I wanted youth ministry!!! For this election, maybe people actually did prayerfully consider and come to the conclusion I wasn't the best fit; maybe people did not see my gifts for this ministry, maybe not enough people knew who I was, maybe it was about representation from various parts of the Diocese, or maybe they don't like me. (Seriously, it's not like I like everyone so isn't it a little bit arrogant to think everyone likes me?)

This morning the other Canon in the Diocese posted a quote from Winston Churchill on facebook

(which was actually the impetus to go ahead and write this blog that has been swirling around my head) and at first I thought about my "losing" and losing means failure and so I wondered if this was God's way of saying, "so stop saying you'll never run again. So you failed, keep trying..." But I actually don't think it's that simple (imagine that!) So, in my head I've changed the quote a little bit and instead of saying "Success consists of" and "failure" I say, "Growing into your true being, the one God created you to be consists of trying things and then trying something else and trying again.." And that goes for everyone--so get out there and try something. I'll cheer you on, cry with you if it doesn't work out, and shriek when it does. That enthusiastic part I've got down pat!