Monograms and Maundy Thursday

The other day I entertained myself by thinking of all the

yes my collar is mongrammed

monogrammed items I have (clearly I am easily entertained). Of course my mind couldn't just stop with entertainment, it had to go deeper and I began to think about identity.

When Chris and I got married 25 years ago this year, there was no question I would take his name. And I know many are going to shudder at this, but just like everything else I'm going to be totally transparent, I looked forward to and still embrace being called "Mrs. Christopher Robert Doyle." It doesn't feel, at least to me, like I am his property; it feels like I belong to him (and he to me) and it is part of my identity.

I was NOT, however, going to give up any of my name. I am named Ann Katherine Kanto--named for two of my great grandmothers. I didn't want to lose any of that, and I definitely didn't want to give up my maiden name. So legally I am Ann Katherine Kanto Doyle--a fact that sometimes (read often) creates issues with writing checks, filing taxes, and flying. Those issues are more bothersome for Chris. For me, not giving up any of my name created a monogram existential crisis of the largest proportion.

I still wear it...

I started thinking about my monogram evolution... when I was first married (actually probably during the engagement period) I thought I would be okay with things not monogrammed but rather with my initials AKKD--that lasted one or two items--this southern girl needs a monogram. I then moved on and decided I wanted everything monogramed  ADK. The truth is, I liked the way it looked--I thought it was prettier, more swirly, more elegant.

And here's the honest to God, I wish I didn't have to admit it--at that point of my life, that's what was most important to me--what "looked" the best; being pretty; being elegant. I'm not going to say I was completely shallow--I wasn't, but I was definitely going for an image and as I think back on those years, that was really hard work. There were times I was trying to be something I'm not; I was trying on different identities; I was not being authentic. And it was exhausting.

Somewhere along the way--possibly shortly after the birth of Caroline and my insistence she have my maiden name as her middle name (an insistence Chris fully supported and embraced), I started thinking about my own identity more--it probably also helped I started therapy....

I'm also on the journey of going paperless

I started thinking about the things that made me me--the past, the present, and what was to come in the future. My past--my family of origin has shaped me not only with genes but with life experience--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the next few years I began to live more fully into this--I still cared more than I should have about appearance (but Caroline did go to school one time on a sunny day with a smocked dress, big bow and rain boots--something I would NEVER have done with SK and William was often seen in pubic in a very worn and tattered spiderman costume-- I considered these progress.). And it became important to me to recognize my maiden name, to return to my roots so to speak,  and so my monograms moved to KDK.

I still serve on it

I didn't give any of my monogrammed items away, and I still use them all. They remind me of my journey; they remind me life is a journey and every step is important and that God can use all things for God's glory.

This Holy Week I've been thinking a lot about identity and spiritual journey particularly as we begin the walk to the cross. And although she was trying to be a smart alec, Caroline's comment the other night, "I'm going to miss Maudy Thursday service this year for play practice--I mean it's the same story every year. I remember it." (Actually she may have also said, "Maundy Thursday? Maundy Noway.") She's right--it is the same story; and it's a story we need to hear again and again as we journey to live into our identity--our most important identity--acceptance of being a beloved child of God, recognition that God abides in us and we in God, and then for another year striving to live into that reality.

Taking my monogram bag on my journey