This morning out of the blue I decided to start praying the Daily Office again; (don't judge, it's been a long couple of months...) and the Psalms appointed for the day had these verses, "The arrogant smear me with lies, but with my whole heart I keep your precepts." (Psalm 119:69) and I thought, "YES!!" and I wrote in the margin (in red pen of course because that's this years color), "smear Christopher" and the next Psalm had this verse, "they will go to the company of their ancestors, who will never again see the light." Seriously y'all I about did the happy dance. Surely this was God talking to me and telling me what was going to happen to all those awful people--I mean why today did I pray the office and why today were these the verses? Vengeance--punishment now there's something I can get my head around.
And then I went running and knew I couldn't write that--God wasn't damning anyone any more than God was damning me; furthermore, I knew to my core that this anger was and is eating me alive--I didn't say I did anything about it--I just knew (they say recognition is the first step).
And then I had to walk to cool off so I read my sister-in-law's blog (which y'all should all follow of course) (Sister-in-law's blog, "In the Messy") So I started thinking about the gorilla Harambe about which I have really not spent a huge amount of time thinking. I remembered how another dear friend posted a story in response to Harambe's story of how she lost one of her children and encouraged others to share their stories; although, I could have--I have many mostly involving Caroline (I know shocking..). I loved Shannon the sister-in-law's blog but one sentence stuck out and taken out of context made me a little mad (please read taken out of context). She writes, "Yes, I have wished the parents of that child seemed as remorseful over that innocent gorilla's preventable death as they have been grateful over the child being saved through it." And now I really started thinking--metaphorically
As I've said I don't know much about the whole story--just bits and pieces (remember I've been too busy sending children to far away lands not to mention marinating in my anger). But this is what I do know
I know there are countless people sitting around tables judging those parents and what they should have done--our extended family was one of those on Memorial day.
I know some of those people know them and some have never laid eyes on them nor likely ever will, but still they talk and judge.
And this is what I know about the mother...
I know there will be lots people telling her what she should or shouldn't do and most of those people will have never had a son in a gorilla cage (because really how many people have....) but those people will continue to be the "experts" and their judgement will slowly pick away at any confidence in her parenting--the confidence she is barely holding together.
I know there will be one or two people who will step up and ask the parents about what happened and how they are--and most likely it will be people they least expect.
I know there will be other family and friends who remain silent and aloof and she will feel that loneliness and loss to her very core.
I know she will lose friends over their actions, and I know she will gain others, but her trust in people will suffer--I hope it's not forever.
I know that mother will lie in her bed night after night and relive that moment and then over time relive the moments where she hears people gossiping as she walks in a room that suddenly becomes deathly silent.
I know she will begin to avoid people and places.
I know she may wish one of those critical people's son was in that cage; she may create stories in her mind about how that will happen, and then she will feel like a reprehensible person for even thinking those thoughts.
I know she will question her ability to be a good mother.
I know that mother will rehearse every scenario that could have happened and know that while the end result was best for her son's life, there were tragedies along the way. And I know she will feel guilty about it, but she will also be so relieved her son is still alive she will try to quiet those relentless voices--from herself and others.
I know she will talk about it endlessly with her husband (or as often as he'll listen) and sometimes it will bring them closer and sometimes it won't. And she'll be thankful and relieved and sad and scared.
I know that mother might walk into her son's room and just touch him while he sleeps or perhaps even lie down next to him and send up a prayer of thanksgiving that he is there breathing deeply, sleeping peacefully in her home.
I know that mother will hug her son sometime and the tears will begin to fall for no reason, and I hope he holds on just a little bit tighter for just another second or two. But I know he will be the first to let go, and she will be glad because it means he's healing.I know that mother will worry she hasn't done enough for any of her children and she will panic when any of them are out of her sight, not responding to texts or phone calls--it will all come rushing back.
I know that young boy will move on and forget long before his mother does. She will see a shirt or perhaps even one day fold the shirt he was wearing that fateful day or one of the horrific ones following and her hands will begin to tremble as the whole incident comes flooding back and she again can't breathe.
I know she might walk somewhere and smell a scent that reminds her of that day or the days that have followed or hear a song and will be so overcome with emotion that she has to sit and regain her composure all the while trying to make those around her think she has it altogether.
I know she will wish she had been the one in the cage and she will worry about the long term effects for her son and the family.
And that sentence--I know that mother may feel remorseful, may feel intense guilt and pain over Harambe but she could be trying so hard not to fall into a million pieces with the judgement, the criticism, the unwanted attention gnawing at her soul that she just can't express it.
I know that mother will have to wake up every morning and face the day knowing there could be another attack on her character or her son's character and behavior and while she will know many of them are untrue she will have to decide whether to say anything. I suspect she'll say nothing, but inside she'll be screaming, "That's my son--my little boy. Please stop!"
I know that mother might sometimes look at her son and be so angry at what he did that has brought all this chaos into their family that she will want to shake him, and she will wonder what words she could have said that would have guaranteed this would never have happened. And she will also look at him and feel so much love for him and she will tell herself it is all worth it for him to be here and to be her son.
I know that mother will one day have to let her son go physically whether to a friend's house, to school or across the country, and it will break her heart but she will do it because she knows he has to move on even if she's not sure she ever will.
And I know that mother will pray over and over for God to take her pain and anger and bitterness at others away while at the same time giving thanks for her son's life and wanting to mutilate those who won't let them move on and put the past behind.
I know that mother will want all those people to put their stones down and she will want to put hers down too.
What I don't yet know is how long that will take...
