Over and Over and Over I Write

I feel like I write some form of this blog at least once a year---well,

actually, it's not just a feeling; it's the truth. And that is both freeing and frustrating, so here it goes AGAIN!

I have body image issues--big-time body image issues. I can trace the root of the issue, and I have. But the truth is it's time to let that go, put on my big girl panties, and take responsibility for myself. So here it is. I hate the way my body looks. I continually compare my body to others. I think a lot about how to lose weight, what to eat or not eat, and I judge others. There I've said it--and even saying it makes me sad and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. But I am that person, and I am working really hard to change. (Go ahead and send me some times Becky.) I'm also the person who gets defensive and angry. The other day I rejoined a group committed to walking or running at least 1 mile every day for 100 days. My good friend commented on my post rejoining the group with these words, "Glad you're back at it!!!!" I read, "Clearly you haven't been doing anything and you're a slacker. It shows." So I got angry and wanted to respond, "Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I haven't been trying!" But I didn't because I also know my friend well and I know I was not reading what she intended, my insecure, emotional self was reading what I needed to protect my fragile image. (Also because even I recognized how nutso my thinking was....)

Two days ago I was walking/running on the beach and bemoaning both my body and how out of shape I am while also listening to an episode of the  Eternal Current podcast hosted by Aaron Niequist. He was having a discussion with Sarah Bessey and she said something like this referring to spiritual practices, "As our faith develops, it changes and sometimes you have to let go of what is no longer feeding you. But that doesn't mean it wasn't good or helpful or holy. Honor it and let it go." Again, that may not be exactly what she said, but it's what I heard and it connected two things very important to me.

I started thinking about my faith and how in January at the Rooted in Jesus conference (remember when we could meet in person), I had a huge personal renewal in my faith and particularly in my desire to deepen my relationship with God. I was on fire and excited and I started digging in and then March 13 came and it all came to a screeching stop.

Let me explain it a little better--or at least try to. I was trying new ways of connecting with God. I had felt so dry for so long and suddenly I felt like I was drinking from a fire hose but when the pandemic hit I retreated and tried to return to the practices that have sustained me for years. But they didn't work, and so I let go. I let go and then instead of returning to my fire of January and February, I stopped doing anything. I still prepared to preach every week reading the scriptures, reading and listening to commentaries, and making connections with the world today. I'm a decent preacher, and I think I did a pretty decent job. I was also often preaching to myself. But it wasn't enough. I still hungered to go deeper. So again instead of returning to January and February, I started paying attention to what others were doing, particularly people who I see as strongly grounded in their faith, and I tried to copy them. You're reading the prophets, great I'll read the prophets. You're practicing centering prayer, great I'll practice centering prayer. (Y'all I'm TERRIBLE at centering prayer.) You are journaling every day, great I'll journal every day. You get the picture.

Y'all I'm a slow learner, so while packing for the beach, I packed all those books/readings I've used for years. I packed them, I brought them into the house (or rather my son did), and there they sit.

Okay, now I'm connecting all this stuff...my body has changed. It has gotten older, had a total knee replacement, and gotten older (I know I've said gotten older twice but it really stinks!). Some of the things I used to do to stay in shape and lose weight don't work anymore or at least don't work as quickly. Frankly, some of them are unhealthy--some were then and others were okay then, but not for a 52 year old's body. I have to honor them and let them go. I need to recognize what I learned from them--even the unhealthy painful ones and then let go but recognize they will always be a part of my story. And what I really need to accept is this is a journey I'm on which I suspect will never end. I will go deeper into understanding, I will go deeper into acceptance, and I will probably write about this again next year.

My faith and relationship with God have also changed. And that is a GOOD THING! I'm craving going deeper and to do that I have to try new and different things. Some of the things I used to do still feed me, and some don't. I also need to honor that and then let them go again recognizing they will always be a part of my story. Some I may return to again. Faith is a journey that never ends and is always forming and more importantly transforming. 

One more connection--getting in shape and deepening my faith is personal. I have to commit to them, I have to want it, and I have to recognize there will be changes with time. But they are also communal. (Aaron Niequist said this in episode 3 of his podcast.) It can be hard and lonely and frustrating. So find a community. I've found one for my running--I may need more, we'll see.

I also have multiple communities that help to sustain and challenge my faith. (I am eternally grateful I have the CCL who allow me to bounce things off them, who offer me different perspectives, and who call me out. I'm also grateful they are early risers so when I wake at 5 am and can't get a thought out of my head, it's okay to text them.) I need another one. I need to be accountable for trying new practices. Here's the truth, I need another to do on my list like I need a hole in my head, but I also hunger for my relationship with God to deepen. I want and need it. So, I want to read Aaron Niequist's book The Eternal Current and I want to read it slowly and intentionally and in community. I want to practice the practices and talk about them. So if you're interested, let me know. It doesn't matter where you live--we'll make it work. 

Let's get started!

My Ego, My Faith, and My Blog

I had a conversation with another female priest yesterday.  (I'm adding the "female" part in because there will be a blog about that some day soon...)  Anyway, we were talking about how we live and believe so many of the same things,  but there are also differences in how we live our ministries.  So I started thinking about mine....

Part of my ministry I firmly believe is writing, but it goes back even further than this blog; it's more than just about writing.  The call I heard back in August 1997 was "I want you to be an ordinary priest living an ordinary life and telling people about it.  I want you to share how to find the Holy in the ordinary."  I wrote about it a bit in a sermon given the day following my Ordination: Answering God's Call; It's Not a Choice.  I still believe that is my call, and I firmly believe that a part of that call is admitting where I struggle, exposing myself--my vulnerabilities, my doubts and my fears.  I also unequivocally know God is in my writing--directing my writing even--that's why when I  have something to write I get tunnel vision until it's done.  But....

God is in my writing, directing my writing, and yet I'm not a puppet on a string.  I have choices about how I write, how much I say, how much I share, and sometimes, perhaps more than sometimes I allow my own ego, my own need to be recognized, to be affirmed, to be "popular" to cloud the voice and direction of God.

Part of my writing is about my struggle with faith and life; part of that struggle is, I think, a struggle we all have which is, "Are the lives we're living and the faiths we profess congruent?"  The other day I was slapped in the face like a red headed step child (thank you Thomas Tomlinson that I've never been able to forget that phrase even though it is completely and totally politically incorrect--yet, I'm still saying it--high school days invade my ministry, now there's a blog waiting to happen...), with a situation where I sincerely doubted mine was, and I wrote about it. (Homosexuality: Haunted and Hopeful)

That blog had lots of response, lots of reaction both for me and others.  Last night my very bright, compassionate, faith filled daughter and I had a conversation not just about that blog but about faith and life.  We talked about how sometimes living our faith, professing our faith makes other people uncomfortable.  I know the way I live mine so out there and unedited can definitely make people uncomfortable.  And I recognize that my living that way impacts my family--sometimes not in a positive way.  She shared with me that someone told her that because of how active she is in standing up and declaring that racism in the world is wrong, she may be labeled and criticized.  She told me, "it scares the hell out of me how strongly I believe in some things and how important I’ve come to realize some things are to me, especially this year."  (Moving into oversharing proud Mama mode--can I tell you how proud I am of her not just for what she's doing but for recognizing these things about herself at such a young age?  I can promise you--and my high school and college friends can attest to it, that I did not.  But SK and her friends do...I wrote about it twice-- I Go to UVA--So What? and Who Cares if You're in a Sorority?)  I didn't tell her this (because I didn't think about it until right now), but that someone who talked to her is so right.

We are white privileged women and the "causes" we choose to defend, to talk about, sometimes make other privileged people--our friends even--uncomfortable.  People, even really really good people, don't like to be uncomfortable--privileged people, myself included, even less so.  There is an internal battle to keep life stabilized--even keeled--to not rock the boat.  I do believe, however,  that sometimes we need to be uncomfortable because it is in our discomfort and in our struggle where we grow.  We need to challenge each other, to stir up the pools of questions and discomfort, and I think my writing sometimes does that. Yet there is a balance....

She said something else that I found powerful and profound, “I was very stuck between what I think is morally and theologically important and not wanting to make my friend uncomfortable.”  What I realized throughout my sleepless night as I turned the many conversations I've had these past few days over and over in my mind looking at the many different edges and angles, is one does not ALWAYS trump the other.

If it were just easier to get unstuck...

*Two disclaimers:  First, I have permission from said amazing daughter to use her quote. And second, as I read my writing, it is very clear to me why I have a son with ADD.  Thank you for jumping with my mind... And third (so I lied about two) I am so grateful I have life long friends who still influence me and remind me of who I was and who I am--for better or worse.