I had a conversation with another female priest yesterday. (I'm adding the "female" part in because there will be a blog about that some day soon...) Anyway, we were talking about how we live and believe so many of the same things, but there are also differences in how we live our ministries. So I started thinking about mine....
Part of my ministry I firmly believe is writing, but it goes back even further than this blog; it's more than just about writing. The call I heard back in August 1997 was "I want you to be an ordinary priest living an ordinary life and telling people about it. I want you to share how to find the Holy in the ordinary." I wrote about it a bit in a sermon given the day following my Ordination: Answering God's Call; It's Not a Choice. I still believe that is my call, and I firmly believe that a part of that call is admitting where I struggle, exposing myself--my vulnerabilities, my doubts and my fears. I also unequivocally know God is in my writing--directing my writing even--that's why when I have something to write I get tunnel vision until it's done. But....
God is in my writing, directing my writing, and yet I'm not a puppet on a string. I have choices about how I write, how much I say, how much I share, and sometimes, perhaps more than sometimes I allow my own ego, my own need to be recognized, to be affirmed, to be "popular" to cloud the voice and direction of God.
Part of my writing is about my struggle with faith and life; part of that struggle is, I think, a struggle we all have which is, "Are the lives we're living and the faiths we profess congruent?" The other day I was slapped in the face like a red headed step child (thank you Thomas Tomlinson that I've never been able to forget that phrase even though it is completely and totally politically incorrect--yet, I'm still saying it--high school days invade my ministry, now there's a blog waiting to happen...), with a situation where I sincerely doubted mine was, and I wrote about it. (Homosexuality: Haunted and Hopeful)
That blog had lots of response, lots of reaction both for me and others. Last night my very bright, compassionate, faith filled daughter and I had a conversation not just about that blog but about faith and life. We talked about how sometimes living our faith, professing our faith makes other people uncomfortable. I know the way I live mine so out there and unedited can definitely make people uncomfortable. And I recognize that my living that way impacts my family--sometimes not in a positive way. She shared with me that someone told her that because of how active she is in standing up and declaring that racism in the world is wrong, she may be labeled and criticized. She told me, "it scares the hell out of me how strongly I believe in some things and how important I’ve come to realize some things are to me, especially this year." (Moving into oversharing proud Mama mode--can I tell you how proud I am of her not just for what she's doing but for recognizing these things about herself at such a young age? I can promise you--and my high school and college friends can attest to it, that I did not. But SK and her friends do...I wrote about it twice-- I Go to UVA--So What? and Who Cares if You're in a Sorority?) I didn't tell her this (because I didn't think about it until right now), but that someone who talked to her is so right.
We are white privileged women and the "causes" we choose to defend, to talk about, sometimes make other privileged people--our friends even--uncomfortable. People, even really really good people, don't like to be uncomfortable--privileged people, myself included, even less so. There is an internal battle to keep life stabilized--even keeled--to not rock the boat. I do believe, however, that sometimes we need to be uncomfortable because it is in our discomfort and in our struggle where we grow. We need to challenge each other, to stir up the pools of questions and discomfort, and I think my writing sometimes does that. Yet there is a balance....
She said something else that I found powerful and profound, “I was very stuck between what I think is morally and theologically important and not wanting to make my friend uncomfortable.” What I realized throughout my sleepless night as I turned the many conversations I've had these past few days over and over in my mind looking at the many different edges and angles, is one does not ALWAYS trump the other.
If it were just easier to get unstuck...
*Two disclaimers: First, I have permission from said amazing daughter to use her quote. And second, as I read my writing, it is very clear to me why I have a son with ADD. Thank you for jumping with my mind... And third (so I lied about two) I am so grateful I have life long friends who still influence me and remind me of who I was and who I am--for better or worse.
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