God uses so many avenues to get our attention, and this morning for me He used my time in morning prayer. After yesterdays post I've been really thinking and praying about what it all means and how does this mean I'm to live? The Psalm for this morning was Psalm 50 and one verse really jumped out at me Ps. 50.21 "These things you have done and I kept silent; you thought I was altogether like you." It immediately made me think of the many many times where I just stay silent instead of contradicting, challenging or just plain saying I don't agree with a statement or an action somebody has made. And there have been a few times when later I find out that my silence said to that person that I agreed.
I came home and did some reading on the verse and those around it and what I found was this. If the Psalm is addressing priest and Levites, it's saying that leaders are afraid to condemn what the people are doing lest they lose their stipends (for me lest I lose their approval, love, respect etc. etc) But this really hit home to me "Tolerating such deviousness, they give the impression that God also is deaf and blind to the situation" {Harper's Bible Commentary} That is a powerful call to me.
After morning prayer, Ann, the associate rector and I were talking about how hard it is sometimes to speak up whether it's because the people are family, whether you feel out numbered, or whether you know you will not be heard because some people just don't want to hear another view. It can be embarrassing. But as I told Ann, how is that any harder than holding church services in your home when you know you could be killed for it, or being a missionary to a dangerous place, or evangelizing on the corner? There are many more examples but I think if others can put their lives on the line for their faith, shouldn't I be able to put my "feelings" on the line?
24 July, 2008
23 July, 2008
We All Have Our Causes
I used to get worried that I didn't care about or think about things enough to get all worked up about them. When someone told me it was the rule in the school that parents not enter the classrooms, I figured there was a good reason that I just didn't know. I assumed no one was trying to hide something from me or leave me out intentionally (and I didn't have any great desire to go into the classroom). There were, however, many parents who really railed against what they called an injustice. You can take that example and fit many other times in my life when I just didn't feel the need to stand up and fight--I didn't think anyone was stepping on my rights. But, being who I am, I worried about it. I worried that I didn't think deeply enough or that I just went along without a backbone of my own. Well, the worry is over for me. I realize that we all have our causes and there not all the same--I now have a constantly upset stomach, ulcers in my mouth and a racing mind that tell me I do feel deeply about some things.
I'm having a hard time putting into words what my cause is, but it goes something like this--I think you could call it the cause of social injustice, but in the little things of life. Let me explain--I think women who have fought for our rights are amazing; I think people that march for causes should be applauded and I'll even donate money to them, but that's just not me. What really gets my beef is just the ordinary everyday prejudices and attitudes. It angers me beyond rationality when I see people and some are people I know treating others unkindly or as second class citizens. I can't stand listening to the way people treat sales clerks, landscapers, domestic help or anyone they see as beneath them. I become internally enraged when I hear someone make a comment about someone else and they only know half the story. I can't stand when someone draws a conclusion about someone's money, marriage, children faith or anything else with only what they've observed. (That doesn't seem to be clear but for example just because someone drives a BMW, it doesn't mean they are materialistic or just because someone doesn't attend church regularly, it doesn't mean they're not a Christian.) I hurt for those on the front line who get the rages of customers--the service man who didn't come on time because someone in the home office made a scheduling mistake. And the people who think the rules don't apply to them--well they have me running screaming to the hills-if it says no parking, for goodness sakes don't park there!
So these are my causes, the ordinary, every day injustices that I don't think people notice enough or even think about. In fact, I'll bet there are some people who don't even realize they are treating others unkindly, but that's the problem, there's not enough thinking. Someone asked me several months ago what theology I mainly use as my starting point and the answer is Incarnational theolgy. I think we all need to put our faith in action but not just as charity work, but truly to imitate the mission of Christ, expressing concern for the lives of others and I need to do it with knowledge gathered from Scripture. I do believe this is my calling to ordination--to learn to live out this theology in my own life and to challenge others to do the same. So, I do have a cause; I do feel passionately; and I do want to work for change. My question, and here I'm truly asking for your help, is how to do this without tearing myself up.
Chris and I were talking tonight, and while he has been equally outraged over the past several weeks about things we have seen, I can't seem to let it go. I truly have physical stress signs, I can't sleep well, and I'm incredibly tense. I rant and rave at home but I'm not doing anything out there or at least I don't think I'm doing enough. It's my cause--how do I fight it?
I'm having a hard time putting into words what my cause is, but it goes something like this--I think you could call it the cause of social injustice, but in the little things of life. Let me explain--I think women who have fought for our rights are amazing; I think people that march for causes should be applauded and I'll even donate money to them, but that's just not me. What really gets my beef is just the ordinary everyday prejudices and attitudes. It angers me beyond rationality when I see people and some are people I know treating others unkindly or as second class citizens. I can't stand listening to the way people treat sales clerks, landscapers, domestic help or anyone they see as beneath them. I become internally enraged when I hear someone make a comment about someone else and they only know half the story. I can't stand when someone draws a conclusion about someone's money, marriage, children faith or anything else with only what they've observed. (That doesn't seem to be clear but for example just because someone drives a BMW, it doesn't mean they are materialistic or just because someone doesn't attend church regularly, it doesn't mean they're not a Christian.) I hurt for those on the front line who get the rages of customers--the service man who didn't come on time because someone in the home office made a scheduling mistake. And the people who think the rules don't apply to them--well they have me running screaming to the hills-if it says no parking, for goodness sakes don't park there!
So these are my causes, the ordinary, every day injustices that I don't think people notice enough or even think about. In fact, I'll bet there are some people who don't even realize they are treating others unkindly, but that's the problem, there's not enough thinking. Someone asked me several months ago what theology I mainly use as my starting point and the answer is Incarnational theolgy. I think we all need to put our faith in action but not just as charity work, but truly to imitate the mission of Christ, expressing concern for the lives of others and I need to do it with knowledge gathered from Scripture. I do believe this is my calling to ordination--to learn to live out this theology in my own life and to challenge others to do the same. So, I do have a cause; I do feel passionately; and I do want to work for change. My question, and here I'm truly asking for your help, is how to do this without tearing myself up.
Chris and I were talking tonight, and while he has been equally outraged over the past several weeks about things we have seen, I can't seem to let it go. I truly have physical stress signs, I can't sleep well, and I'm incredibly tense. I rant and rave at home but I'm not doing anything out there or at least I don't think I'm doing enough. It's my cause--how do I fight it?
21 July, 2008
Stop Hiding Behind the Wrong Labels
I am going to say right up front that this entry is probably going to twist and turn because I am outraged and have nowhere else to spew my anger. I'm pretty sure I've blogged on labels before and I will again--labels and generalizations. Today I'm incensed that there are people who label themselves one thing only to hide what they really think. Don't call yourself a conservative when you're really an elitist racist. Those who know me know that I can float between liberal and conservative views-I don't "buy" one complete and total agenda and I do try to see both sides. But here's the thing--if you don't want illegals coming across the border because you think it's unfair to tax paying Americans, you don't want our government programs to support them (and you probably don't think our programs should support our own poverty), then call yourself a conservative. But if you don't want "tatoo covered illegal Mexicans" coming across our borders because you think they only want to steal from us and sponge off of us--well guess what? THAT'S GENERALIZATIONS AND RACIST!!! I'm so tired of people looking at someone else and labeling them as something. How the heck do any of us know what's in someone's heart and mind? By the way let's not forget there are several serial rapist and murderers in jail who were preppy college kids. (I'm too angry right now to remember there names but one is in Florida and one is in the NE known as the preppy rapist.)
I'm even going to go a step further--let's say someone is breaking into my house and stealing my things (not trying to hurt me). Am I angry? Absolutely. Do I feel violated? Absolutely. Do I think they should serve time? Again, absolutely. But do I think they should be killed? NO WAY!!! Do I think there is a possibility that they can be rehabilitated? Yes, I do because I believe there are people who are just rotten and want to steal--there are people who are supporting their drug habit, but I also believe there are some who are stealing because they are so desperate they see no other way out. Maybe they have children at home starving, they've lost their job, and they see no other way out. Yes, it's still wrong and yes they should pay back to society, but also yes, they are and can still be valuable contributing members of society.
Why do I hate labels? Because we all mean different things by them and trust me, I don't want to be classified with yours.
I'm even going to go a step further--let's say someone is breaking into my house and stealing my things (not trying to hurt me). Am I angry? Absolutely. Do I feel violated? Absolutely. Do I think they should serve time? Again, absolutely. But do I think they should be killed? NO WAY!!! Do I think there is a possibility that they can be rehabilitated? Yes, I do because I believe there are people who are just rotten and want to steal--there are people who are supporting their drug habit, but I also believe there are some who are stealing because they are so desperate they see no other way out. Maybe they have children at home starving, they've lost their job, and they see no other way out. Yes, it's still wrong and yes they should pay back to society, but also yes, they are and can still be valuable contributing members of society.
Why do I hate labels? Because we all mean different things by them and trust me, I don't want to be classified with yours.
17 July, 2008
Lessons from Childhood
There are some lessons from childhood that we should continue to hold and practice, but I'm beginning to think that some just cause problems for us as adults. We teach our children about taking turns--I must say it a hundred times a day "Take turns, alternate, you can't play if you don't take turns". What does that say to us as adults? Do we take that lesson too far? How many times have you thought to yourself, "I'm not writing/calling again, I'm the one who always calls/writes. It's his/her turn" What does that do? Why is it so important who makes the initial contact--isn't the conversation that continues from there, isn't the relationship that is strengthened more important? I have found myself saying over the past couple of days, "It's not my turn to have the whole extended family over--I've done it the past 3 or 4 times." If we all want to be together, does it matter where it is?
I know it's a lot of work for the person who feels they are always reaching out or always hosting or always doing whatever else it is, but I still wonder if we have taken this taking turns idea a step too far.
I know it's a lot of work for the person who feels they are always reaching out or always hosting or always doing whatever else it is, but I still wonder if we have taken this taking turns idea a step too far.
12 July, 2008
weeding
I spent a portion of this morning weeding. Now I'm not a master gardener, but I do enjoy looking out at a beautiful garden, so I know there is some work involved. When we returned from vacation last week it was amazing how much had overgrown. I set out this morning and began weeding and weeding and weeding. The more I pulled weeds the more I realized that the flower beds were not as full as I thought by looking at them. They were actually full to capacity with weeds. I pulled and pulled and underneath there were some beautiful plants that need time, sun, water, and fertilizer to mature into a full blown garden.
I got to thinking about life and how we fill our lives with busyness and things--it looks like we have very full thriving lives. Full calendars, overflowing responsibilities, lots of people around--I started to wonder about all the fullness. As I looked at my garden after the weeding, I realized that in order for the real flowers and foliage to get through, I had to clear out. My garden had become full very quickly because weeds grow so fast!!! I wonder if by filling up our lives with all these other things we are keeping our true gifts from flourishing. If by allowing the weeds to take over (even the ones that look beautiful) we prevent ourselves from flourishing in our God given talents and purpose.
I know that for awhile my garden will look less full, but I also know that with time and care the true flowers will fill in and the garden will be overflowing with vitality. I also know that before I add another thing to my life I'm going to really consider whether this is something that will be a fast filler, a temporary fix, or whether it will be a long lasting flower. Is this a flower God wants planted in my life? Time and care--
I got to thinking about life and how we fill our lives with busyness and things--it looks like we have very full thriving lives. Full calendars, overflowing responsibilities, lots of people around--I started to wonder about all the fullness. As I looked at my garden after the weeding, I realized that in order for the real flowers and foliage to get through, I had to clear out. My garden had become full very quickly because weeds grow so fast!!! I wonder if by filling up our lives with all these other things we are keeping our true gifts from flourishing. If by allowing the weeds to take over (even the ones that look beautiful) we prevent ourselves from flourishing in our God given talents and purpose.
I know that for awhile my garden will look less full, but I also know that with time and care the true flowers will fill in and the garden will be overflowing with vitality. I also know that before I add another thing to my life I'm going to really consider whether this is something that will be a fast filler, a temporary fix, or whether it will be a long lasting flower. Is this a flower God wants planted in my life? Time and care--
Beloved
It's no secret that I've been struggling lately. This move has really thrown me for a loop in a way none has ever before. I could dissect it to the end of time and still dissect it some more, but I think the biggest reason is probably that I feel that this time I gave up more of myself than I ever have before. In England I was a wife and mother, but I was also on placement in a church, studying and reflecting on my possible path to the priesthood, and I felt complete. While I'm still all those things, I am not as active on my path right now. I have no "role" in the church (and to be honest I haven't spent as much time studying as I should have). So this morning on my run I was trying to figure out who I am and how to get back to the complete who I am. Then it struck me--yesterday a good friend wrote a blog on being beloved by God and all of a sudden it was so clear. Two things are clear--the first is that I strongly believe there are no coincidences with God and that the blog came at a time when I truly needed it--and secondly and most important I am a beloved daughter of God. That is first and foremost who I am and then the other things while important are just extra.
But it also occurred to me that I am the mother of beloved sons and daughter of God and the wife of a beloved son of God, so no matter how badly I feel on the inside at times, they deserve to be treated as beloved sons and daughters of God. Totally changes the way I see my role as wife and mother. Today as I go through my day I am going to try to look at every person I come in contact with as a beloved son or daughter of God. And I'm going to remember over and over that I am a beloved daughter of God no matter what I am doing.
But it also occurred to me that I am the mother of beloved sons and daughter of God and the wife of a beloved son of God, so no matter how badly I feel on the inside at times, they deserve to be treated as beloved sons and daughters of God. Totally changes the way I see my role as wife and mother. Today as I go through my day I am going to try to look at every person I come in contact with as a beloved son or daughter of God. And I'm going to remember over and over that I am a beloved daughter of God no matter what I am doing.
06 July, 2008
Keeping Busy
I have to start this blog by admitting that we just got home last night after spending a week at the beach--so I'm certain my attitude is a bit colored.
Driving home as we got closer and closer to Louisville (after the 10 hour trip) I began to feel a bigger and bigger weight on my chest. I'm sure part of this is due to having to get back to reality, but part of it is wondering "when will this feel like home?" I'm so blessed that for the other five members of the family, it already does. So this morning, I wonder to myself what to do to fend off the loneliness and to avoid becoming a drudgery to the rest of the family? Having a masters in psychology and having led many groups on depression, I know that one of the "tricks" is to stay busy. (with four children that's not so hard to do!) I truly do believe that this is what it will take for me, but there is still a niggle in my mind.
I know someone who spent her adult life staying busy to keep the monster of unhappiness at a safe distance. I've witnessed the later part of her life and realize that eventually the monster breaks through--no one can stay busy enough to avoid feelings forever. So the question is, how to know when it's just a matter of time for sadness to go away and when it's a monster that is waiting to be fed?
Driving home as we got closer and closer to Louisville (after the 10 hour trip) I began to feel a bigger and bigger weight on my chest. I'm sure part of this is due to having to get back to reality, but part of it is wondering "when will this feel like home?" I'm so blessed that for the other five members of the family, it already does. So this morning, I wonder to myself what to do to fend off the loneliness and to avoid becoming a drudgery to the rest of the family? Having a masters in psychology and having led many groups on depression, I know that one of the "tricks" is to stay busy. (with four children that's not so hard to do!) I truly do believe that this is what it will take for me, but there is still a niggle in my mind.
I know someone who spent her adult life staying busy to keep the monster of unhappiness at a safe distance. I've witnessed the later part of her life and realize that eventually the monster breaks through--no one can stay busy enough to avoid feelings forever. So the question is, how to know when it's just a matter of time for sadness to go away and when it's a monster that is waiting to be fed?
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