Over and Over and Over I Write

I feel like I write some form of this blog at least once a year---well,

actually, it's not just a feeling; it's the truth. And that is both freeing and frustrating, so here it goes AGAIN!

I have body image issues--big-time body image issues. I can trace the root of the issue, and I have. But the truth is it's time to let that go, put on my big girl panties, and take responsibility for myself. So here it is. I hate the way my body looks. I continually compare my body to others. I think a lot about how to lose weight, what to eat or not eat, and I judge others. There I've said it--and even saying it makes me sad and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. But I am that person, and I am working really hard to change. (Go ahead and send me some times Becky.) I'm also the person who gets defensive and angry. The other day I rejoined a group committed to walking or running at least 1 mile every day for 100 days. My good friend commented on my post rejoining the group with these words, "Glad you're back at it!!!!" I read, "Clearly you haven't been doing anything and you're a slacker. It shows." So I got angry and wanted to respond, "Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I haven't been trying!" But I didn't because I also know my friend well and I know I was not reading what she intended, my insecure, emotional self was reading what I needed to protect my fragile image. (Also because even I recognized how nutso my thinking was....)

Two days ago I was walking/running on the beach and bemoaning both my body and how out of shape I am while also listening to an episode of the  Eternal Current podcast hosted by Aaron Niequist. He was having a discussion with Sarah Bessey and she said something like this referring to spiritual practices, "As our faith develops, it changes and sometimes you have to let go of what is no longer feeding you. But that doesn't mean it wasn't good or helpful or holy. Honor it and let it go." Again, that may not be exactly what she said, but it's what I heard and it connected two things very important to me.

I started thinking about my faith and how in January at the Rooted in Jesus conference (remember when we could meet in person), I had a huge personal renewal in my faith and particularly in my desire to deepen my relationship with God. I was on fire and excited and I started digging in and then March 13 came and it all came to a screeching stop.

Let me explain it a little better--or at least try to. I was trying new ways of connecting with God. I had felt so dry for so long and suddenly I felt like I was drinking from a fire hose but when the pandemic hit I retreated and tried to return to the practices that have sustained me for years. But they didn't work, and so I let go. I let go and then instead of returning to my fire of January and February, I stopped doing anything. I still prepared to preach every week reading the scriptures, reading and listening to commentaries, and making connections with the world today. I'm a decent preacher, and I think I did a pretty decent job. I was also often preaching to myself. But it wasn't enough. I still hungered to go deeper. So again instead of returning to January and February, I started paying attention to what others were doing, particularly people who I see as strongly grounded in their faith, and I tried to copy them. You're reading the prophets, great I'll read the prophets. You're practicing centering prayer, great I'll practice centering prayer. (Y'all I'm TERRIBLE at centering prayer.) You are journaling every day, great I'll journal every day. You get the picture.

Y'all I'm a slow learner, so while packing for the beach, I packed all those books/readings I've used for years. I packed them, I brought them into the house (or rather my son did), and there they sit.

Okay, now I'm connecting all this stuff...my body has changed. It has gotten older, had a total knee replacement, and gotten older (I know I've said gotten older twice but it really stinks!). Some of the things I used to do to stay in shape and lose weight don't work anymore or at least don't work as quickly. Frankly, some of them are unhealthy--some were then and others were okay then, but not for a 52 year old's body. I have to honor them and let them go. I need to recognize what I learned from them--even the unhealthy painful ones and then let go but recognize they will always be a part of my story. And what I really need to accept is this is a journey I'm on which I suspect will never end. I will go deeper into understanding, I will go deeper into acceptance, and I will probably write about this again next year.

My faith and relationship with God have also changed. And that is a GOOD THING! I'm craving going deeper and to do that I have to try new and different things. Some of the things I used to do still feed me, and some don't. I also need to honor that and then let them go again recognizing they will always be a part of my story. Some I may return to again. Faith is a journey that never ends and is always forming and more importantly transforming. 

One more connection--getting in shape and deepening my faith is personal. I have to commit to them, I have to want it, and I have to recognize there will be changes with time. But they are also communal. (Aaron Niequist said this in episode 3 of his podcast.) It can be hard and lonely and frustrating. So find a community. I've found one for my running--I may need more, we'll see.

I also have multiple communities that help to sustain and challenge my faith. (I am eternally grateful I have the CCL who allow me to bounce things off them, who offer me different perspectives, and who call me out. I'm also grateful they are early risers so when I wake at 5 am and can't get a thought out of my head, it's okay to text them.) I need another one. I need to be accountable for trying new practices. Here's the truth, I need another to do on my list like I need a hole in my head, but I also hunger for my relationship with God to deepen. I want and need it. So, I want to read Aaron Niequist's book The Eternal Current and I want to read it slowly and intentionally and in community. I want to practice the practices and talk about them. So if you're interested, let me know. It doesn't matter where you live--we'll make it work. 

Let's get started!

Answering God's Call--It's not a choice

Second Sunday of Advent

Year C

2012 December 9

Malachi 3:1-4; Philippians 1:3-11; Luke 3:-16

          Yesterday was beautiful—breathtakingly beautiful.  And in this very place the presence of God was powerfully felt.  The Holy Spirit could be felt moving through the music, the liturgy and through the very people gathered.  I was overwhelmed and emotional (you might have noticed that), but I was also uplifted and energized—terrified but ready to say yes to my vows and ready to begin my ministry as a priest.  I was ready to answer the call God was making to me.  But let me for a moment take you back to where it all began---

          Picture this scene for me if you will—one very early hot and humid July morning in 1997, we were living in  Athens GA,   I was standing in my dining room at the side board changing my newborn son; yes in the dining room at the sideboard which had been converted into a changing table because I couldn’t go up the stairs due to the c-section.  Standing on the chair next to me “helping” was my not yet 2 year old daughter talking non-stop (wonder where she gets that).  My eyes were rimmed with dark circles, my feet were still swollen, I probably hadn’t showered in a day or two; I was covered with the results of a baby with reflux and surrounded by a collection of dirty sippy cups—and all of a sudden I very clearly heard God calling me into ordained ministry.  That night I decided to test this out—not that I had too much time during the day to think about this powerful moment, but occasionally it occurred to me that I might have been hallucinating due to lack of sleep—so that night I said to Chris, “I think I know what I’m supposed to do when the children are grown.”  And he looked at me and said, “Me too—you’re supposed to be a priest.”  And in that moment God was as powerfully present as He was here yesterday.  The Holy Spirit was working in the chaotic ordinariness of our lives just like the Holy Spirit was working yesterday in the extraordinariness of the ordination liturgy. 

          Our Gospel today brings these two together—the ordinary and the extraordinary, the holy and the ordinary—the reading begins by setting the particular time and place; it names 7 very important, very powerful, very well-known political and religious leaders, but it is not these people to whom the word of God came.  No, the word of God came to a simple eccentric nobody, according to world’s standards—to a man living in the wilderness with wild hair and wild looking clothes made of camel’s hair (probably looked a lot like I did on that July morning)—a man subsisting on wild honey and locust—a humble ordinary every man.  The word of God did not come to those who “deserved” it—to those who thought they deserved it, and it did not come to those who had the most power and influence—but rather to John the son of Zechariah, an unassuming man living in the wilderness.  And he responded.

          John responded to his call right where he was in the region around Jordan.  John’s ministry was to a particular place at a particular time and yet that ministry—John’s answering yes to God’s call—changed the world. 

          Now before you sit back and think “whew” I know for a fact I’m not called to live in the wilderness and I’m sure I’m not called into ordained ministry, read the final lines—all flesh.  Yes, that means you.  God is calling each and every one of us—everyone here is called into a ministry at your particular place and at this particular time.  God is calling us all to prepare, to prepare ourselves and to prepare the world.  Today’s passage reminds us that the Kingdom of God is here and yet it is all still to come.  God is still in the process of redemption, and God is calling all of us to participate—God is confronting us, commanding our attention, and demanding our response.

          God is coming to us in the our own wildernesses; in the messiness of our everyday chaotic ordinary lives and challenging us to evaluate our lives, our values and our priorities.  To look at our lives and to see how we are living into our ministries wherever they may be—the office, the home, or school.  How are we living that proclaims the presence of and the coming of the Kingdom of God?  Our first reading talks about refining and purifying—what in our lives needs to be refined so that we are prepared to answer and live into God’s call?

          It is not easy—in our lives there have been, there are and there will be challenges.  The path is not straight; there are valleys to go through and mountains to climb.  There are days we won’t feel like it or days that we will be challenged and feel like the whole world is against us and that God has abandoned us.  Days where we are certain there God has no purpose for our particular life in this particular time.  There may even be days we want to give up—throw in the towel and let the others, those important people do the work.  And in those days, in those wildernesses God is right there with us.  God is with us and pushing us forward.  In the messiness of our every day ordinary lives where bills have to be paid, lunches have to be made, baseboards have to be cleaned, and laundry has to be done, God is demanding that we pay attention and that even in those mundane things we do we remember that we are to be constantly preparing for and living into the Kingdom of God.

          Fifteen years—fifteen years ago I heard God’s call into ordained ministry; fifteen years ago and through mountains of dirty diapers, endless trips to hospitals, thousands upon thousands of lunches made, multiple moves and adjustments, God continued to work.   I can promise you (and there are people here today who can attest to this) that there were many days I wanted to say never mind.  I’ve said it before here, I was perfectly happy being a stay at home mom.  It’s the greatest job in the world.  There were days I was certain that yesterday would never come—the road blocks seemed too many, the work too hard, the challenges too great, but God doesn’t let us say no when He calls.  There is no choice.  And God has chosen each and every one of us into a particular ministry in our own particular places and at our own particular times.  Hear God’s call to you, live into God’s call for you—prepare yourselves, prepare your heart and in that way we will all together prepare the world to receive the love of and the salvation of God.  Amen.