The Raw Truth

People who love someone struggling with mental health or addiction rip their fingers raw holding onto even the slimmest grain of hope. I've heard (and said) more times than I can count, "As long as he/she is breathing there is hope." And I've sat with family and friends of those who have died and held them as they cried, "I'd take all the chaos again just to have him/her back." That my friends is the real hard raw truth of these diseases. But there is another side of the story....

I drove up to the graveside where the family was gathering. As I approached the mother, the first thing I noticed was a lightness in her step I hadn't seen the last time I saw her. She greeted me with a smile and a warm hug. Over the next 45 minutes I heard stories, there was laughter, and yes there were many many tears. There were statements such as, "He's at peace" and that is true, but there is still a hole in all our hearts that will never be completely filled again. 

I walked over to hug his mama one more time. She held onto me, put her lips close to my ear and said, "At least I don't have to wait for the phone call anymore. It already came. It's over. I can sleep."

God help me, but as I turned away and began walking towards my car, for a split second, I was jealous.

Homosexuality: Haunted and Hopeful

It was late Thursday afternoon; I called SK to tell her I'd finished proofing her paper.  "So what are you up to?" I asked.  "Just taking a nap until I have to get ready for the Sailing Club's date function tonight."  SK is not in the sailing club, so I knew she must have been asked by someone.  "Oh sounds fun, who are you going with?"  "J...." she replied.  I wasn't sure I heard her correctly; I thought she said J-- but it was a date function so she probably said Jamie (you know a gender neutral name). "Jamie?" I asked.  "No, J-- from down the hall."

I swallowed hard; my hands starting feeling a little sweaty; was this her way of coming out to me? Was she coming out to me?  I'd never expected she was gay; it had never crossed my mind.  But maybe, but why wouldn't she just tell me--she tells me everything.  (And if what she tells me isn't everything I don't want to know what she's not telling me.) My mind started racing--how do I handle this?  What do I say?  I was so uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable because I didn't know how to respond and uncomfortable and frankly teed off because I was uncomfortable.

I decided to nonchalantly investigate.  "Is Amy going to the date function too?"  Amy is her roommate and a member of the Sailing Club.  "Maybe," I thought, "A bunch of girls are going together."  "Yes, she's going with a guy from downstairs."  "Well I'm sure it will be fun; send me a pictures."  I really wanted to get off the phone.

I hung up and remained uncomfortable.  "What is wrong with me," I thought, "I have lots of friends who are gay; I'm fine with it."  OH MY GOD--I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!!!  And then I started worrying--did she hear the hesitancy in my voice?  Did she pick up on my surprise (read shock)? Was this going to ruin our relationship?  I really have no idea what all I was thinking, but I was not happy with myself.  I was coming face to face in a personal way with an issue that I consider one of my die on the hill issues.  I have said that I would have a hard time accepting a call to a church that didn't at the very least openly struggle with this issue even though I claimed to have no struggle with it. "One of the greatest honors ever given me,"I thought to myself, "was being asked to preside at the blessing of two of my dearest friends. So why is thinking about this with SK so hard? This is not an issue for me."  Suddenly I felt like I didn't know who I was; I was challenged and I was ashamed.

A couple of hours later Caroline and I were taking a walk.  I tried to act casual, "So, do you think SK might be gay or bisexual?"  "What are you talking about?" Caroline asked.  So I told her, "She's going to a date function tonight with a girl on her hall.  She was telling me about it today, and I'm wondering if that's her way of coming out to me."  Caroline started laughing so hard I thought she was going to fall down and sustain another concussion.  "What is wrong with you?" she continued. Oh honey, you have no idea how many things...and then the nail in the coffin, "So what if she is?"

It's been a little over a week, and I'm still struggling, and I still hear the echo of Caroline's voice, "So what if she is?"  Am I a hypocrite?  Do I really believe what I claim I believe?  I want to be as firm in my belief as I claim I am; I want the acceptance of all people gay or straight--or anything else--to be a total black and white issue. Frankly I want it to be a non-issue, (like the fact that SK was simply going to a date function with her friend--she wasn't coming out, she was just being a friend--whatever happened to pure friendship?) but if it truly isn't an issue for me, then why did I react at a visceral level the way I did?  I am haunted by my continued thoughts and by my initial reaction; I'm also more humble, I hope, more understanding, more compassionate and less critical of others and their struggles with whatever issues with which they struggle.

I am haunted and hopeful--haunted by myself and hopeful--hopeful that others are haunted and uncomfortable too and that through sitting with and struggling with our discomfort individually and together in community all barriers--all "issues" will disappear and Jesus' prayer at the last supper for unity and oneness "that they may all be one" (John 17:21) will finally once and for all be answered.