Over and Over and Over I Write

I feel like I write some form of this blog at least once a year---well,

actually, it's not just a feeling; it's the truth. And that is both freeing and frustrating, so here it goes AGAIN!

I have body image issues--big-time body image issues. I can trace the root of the issue, and I have. But the truth is it's time to let that go, put on my big girl panties, and take responsibility for myself. So here it is. I hate the way my body looks. I continually compare my body to others. I think a lot about how to lose weight, what to eat or not eat, and I judge others. There I've said it--and even saying it makes me sad and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. But I am that person, and I am working really hard to change. (Go ahead and send me some times Becky.) I'm also the person who gets defensive and angry. The other day I rejoined a group committed to walking or running at least 1 mile every day for 100 days. My good friend commented on my post rejoining the group with these words, "Glad you're back at it!!!!" I read, "Clearly you haven't been doing anything and you're a slacker. It shows." So I got angry and wanted to respond, "Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I haven't been trying!" But I didn't because I also know my friend well and I know I was not reading what she intended, my insecure, emotional self was reading what I needed to protect my fragile image. (Also because even I recognized how nutso my thinking was....)

Two days ago I was walking/running on the beach and bemoaning both my body and how out of shape I am while also listening to an episode of the  Eternal Current podcast hosted by Aaron Niequist. He was having a discussion with Sarah Bessey and she said something like this referring to spiritual practices, "As our faith develops, it changes and sometimes you have to let go of what is no longer feeding you. But that doesn't mean it wasn't good or helpful or holy. Honor it and let it go." Again, that may not be exactly what she said, but it's what I heard and it connected two things very important to me.

I started thinking about my faith and how in January at the Rooted in Jesus conference (remember when we could meet in person), I had a huge personal renewal in my faith and particularly in my desire to deepen my relationship with God. I was on fire and excited and I started digging in and then March 13 came and it all came to a screeching stop.

Let me explain it a little better--or at least try to. I was trying new ways of connecting with God. I had felt so dry for so long and suddenly I felt like I was drinking from a fire hose but when the pandemic hit I retreated and tried to return to the practices that have sustained me for years. But they didn't work, and so I let go. I let go and then instead of returning to my fire of January and February, I stopped doing anything. I still prepared to preach every week reading the scriptures, reading and listening to commentaries, and making connections with the world today. I'm a decent preacher, and I think I did a pretty decent job. I was also often preaching to myself. But it wasn't enough. I still hungered to go deeper. So again instead of returning to January and February, I started paying attention to what others were doing, particularly people who I see as strongly grounded in their faith, and I tried to copy them. You're reading the prophets, great I'll read the prophets. You're practicing centering prayer, great I'll practice centering prayer. (Y'all I'm TERRIBLE at centering prayer.) You are journaling every day, great I'll journal every day. You get the picture.

Y'all I'm a slow learner, so while packing for the beach, I packed all those books/readings I've used for years. I packed them, I brought them into the house (or rather my son did), and there they sit.

Okay, now I'm connecting all this stuff...my body has changed. It has gotten older, had a total knee replacement, and gotten older (I know I've said gotten older twice but it really stinks!). Some of the things I used to do to stay in shape and lose weight don't work anymore or at least don't work as quickly. Frankly, some of them are unhealthy--some were then and others were okay then, but not for a 52 year old's body. I have to honor them and let them go. I need to recognize what I learned from them--even the unhealthy painful ones and then let go but recognize they will always be a part of my story. And what I really need to accept is this is a journey I'm on which I suspect will never end. I will go deeper into understanding, I will go deeper into acceptance, and I will probably write about this again next year.

My faith and relationship with God have also changed. And that is a GOOD THING! I'm craving going deeper and to do that I have to try new and different things. Some of the things I used to do still feed me, and some don't. I also need to honor that and then let them go again recognizing they will always be a part of my story. Some I may return to again. Faith is a journey that never ends and is always forming and more importantly transforming. 

One more connection--getting in shape and deepening my faith is personal. I have to commit to them, I have to want it, and I have to recognize there will be changes with time. But they are also communal. (Aaron Niequist said this in episode 3 of his podcast.) It can be hard and lonely and frustrating. So find a community. I've found one for my running--I may need more, we'll see.

I also have multiple communities that help to sustain and challenge my faith. (I am eternally grateful I have the CCL who allow me to bounce things off them, who offer me different perspectives, and who call me out. I'm also grateful they are early risers so when I wake at 5 am and can't get a thought out of my head, it's okay to text them.) I need another one. I need to be accountable for trying new practices. Here's the truth, I need another to do on my list like I need a hole in my head, but I also hunger for my relationship with God to deepen. I want and need it. So, I want to read Aaron Niequist's book The Eternal Current and I want to read it slowly and intentionally and in community. I want to practice the practices and talk about them. So if you're interested, let me know. It doesn't matter where you live--we'll make it work. 

Let's get started!

I'm Double Posting Because I Have an Addiction

Little nervous writing this post for two reasons.  First, I know there is a line of self revelation that makes some people uncomfortable and second, the whole double posting in one day thing...

Nonetheless, I'm putting on my big girl panties (read on and you'll see how horrible of a pun this is--leaving it in anyway to make a point) and posting anyway.  I've posted about this before--Wearing a Bikini and The Ridiculously Priced Prom Dress so this isn't a new revelation to the blog world, but more importantly, as I was running this morning on the treadmill at our club looking out the window at the soon to be uncovered pool---my mind went into spasms.  The soon to be uncovering of the pool means it will also be the time to uncover our bodies from their bulky winter clothes--a time of terror for some of us, and it also means exam season is upon us--a stressful time for anyone, but for those of us who need control and find that through restricting food, it's beyond stressful.  So here it is....

I have an addiction--I have an eating disorder--I'm in recovery, but it's still there.  I no longer binge and purge, but sometimes I do restrict--or I at least think about restricting--okay I restrict.  My eating disorder has never gone away and I suspect it never will.  For years it was a secret--a secret my family wanted to keep--a secret which led to my feelings of inadequacy and shame. There is debate (An article on the debate) about whether eating disorders are addictions, but I believe they are; I know they are because I live it every day.

Why now?  Why do I feel I have to speak out now?  Is it just because of the pool--kind of.  It's also because my children know people who are suffering right now or who are on the other side of suffering, and we talk about it.  It's because I sometimes hear people say things like, "Well I'm glad that's over." and I want to scream, "No it's not!!!"  It's because while more people are open about eating disorders there are still many who live with the secret, who live with feelings of isolation and shame, and I want to be the open door for even one person to walk through.  I want to say to others, yes it is a life long struggle but it does not define you and it does not mean you will live a life of misery.  You are so much more than your eating disorder--it's part of you but you can learn to healthily co-exist.

How does my eating disorder affect me today?  I weigh myself three times every morning on a scale

that has decimal points as well as the whole numbers so I can see any change in weight up or down. And I write it down in a special calendar I keep. Is this healthy? Absolutely not, but it's a crutch for me--it's not the worst thing I could do, but it's certainly not the best.  When I look in a mirror if I can't see my head I think to myself, "That body (yes I don't use the first person) looks pretty good." but the minute I see my face attached to the body I switch to the first person and see not the decent looking athletic body of a middle aged woman, but every single one of my flaws. They seem to jump out at me--to light up like an x-ray or the Operation board game--buzzing and lighting up.  I try to stop my mind from doing this, and I can't. When I'm going through any stress, any loss, any emotional time I start to think about controlling my food intake.  When I say I start to think about it, I mean I start to think about it non stop all day.  It invades every thought.  I plan how many bites I will take at dinner, how few meals I will eat during the day, and I tell no one.  Those are my secrets...

My eating disorder also affects my family.  On days I'm feeling "big" when my husband puts his arm around my waist I cringe and pull away afraid he will feel my "fat." It hurts him. People sometimes ask me, "how do you parent two daughters (please don't forget eating disorders affect boys too) knowing you've suffered from an eating disorder?"  The truth is, not well.  I never know what to say when one of them says, "I've put on weight" or cries because they don't like how they look in something.  I know what I don't want to say; I know how I don't want them to feel.  I do my best but it's all polluted with my own stuff.

My eating disorder also affects my interactions with others.  I seethe inside when I hear someone say, "She would be so beautiful if she just lost weight." and yet weight in others is one of the first things I see.  I don't see it as they've gained or lost weight, but I judge, I compare, my body to everyone else's. I always lose.  People's comments about weight casually mentioned and forgotten by most reverberate in my mind for days (like the above pun about putting on your big girl panties).  I limit time around people who only want to talk about their weight or other people's weight--if I don't I'll spew fury that may not be warranted.  I cry when someone tells me about how they've been hurt by others because of their weight.  (I don't always cry in front of them, but I always cry...) When I see books advertised that claim in five easy steps you can love your body I want to scream--"for some of us it's not that easy--don't buy that book!", but I also try to read anything that may help me understand, help me learn more coping skills, help me be an advocate.

I'm double posting today--I'm double posting for anyone who may read this and for a minute not feel so alone.  I'm double posting today for anyone who wants or needs someone to talk to, please contact me. I'm double posting today for all those families who have been open about their struggle and for all those families who feel they have to hide. And I'm double posting today in celebration of the courage so many have had fighting this terrible addiction--keep fighting, you're worth it. I'm double posting today because I have an addiction...