Fear Not---Yeah Right....

The hour was coming to an end and my therapist said, "So let me sum up what I've heard this hour.  You're afraid to resign even though your husband says he supports you 100% because of not having another job.  You're afraid people will think you're a failure and won't like you for listening to God's voice and resigning. You're afraid people will call you a quitter." (She's not only an amazing therapist, she's also well versed in theology.)  "You're afraid to talk to your child _________, about ______ and to ____________ about ____________because contrary to all other evidence you're convinced __________will hate you and you'll be known as a terrible mother and in 20 years they'll desert you."  (Notice the blanks--I do filter some things.) "You're afraid to call your mother because you haven't talked to her in awhile and you're afraid of what she might say.  You're afraid of not having the 'perfect' Christmas because what will that say about you.  You're afraid of not being the perfect priest, the perfect wife, the perfect mother so you're killing yourself.  You're afraid of,  I can't even remember all the things you're afraid of.  Sounds to me like you're living your life afraid."  "Yeah," I thought silently fuming, "And I'm also afraid of punching my much loved therapist in the face for pointing it out."  I hugged her (did I mention I love her) and headed back to the office with "I'm afraid" echoing in my mind.

I sat at my desk reading and re-reading the Gospel for Advent 4. (Luke 1:26-38)  This advent season I have been preoccupied (read obsessed) with Mary and Joseph and understanding their relationship.  I was thinking about how afraid they must have been--both of them.  It kept going through my mind, "Mary was afraid and she said yes anyway.  Joseph despite his probable fear supported Mary 100% as she stepped out in faith despite her fear.  He was an amazing man and a model of discipleship, marriage and faith."  And then that other annoying voice--you know the one that has the voice of my therapist but is in my head said, "Yeah, kind of like Chris.  But you're too afraid."  Before I knew what my hands were doing I texted Chris to "make sure" he supported me and then sent an email to the bishop asking for a meeting after the holidays to discuss what I'd decided through prayer and discernment. (He also knew I was struggling with this but contrary to my annoying therapist he was silently praying for and supporting me not pointing out my fear and weaknesses!)  Within five minutes I got a text from him (yep we have a cool, hip bishop here in the Diocese of Ky), "Can you come to the office now?" I guess he did know I allow fear to rule my life and he was not going to let my moment of courage go unnoticed.
(PSA for all clergy--if you need your bishop to respond immediately put in the subject line of an email "Discernment decision")

The next 5 days were a blur.  I resigned to my rector; we told the vestry; and the letter went out to the congregation.  Every step of the way I was and am afraid; every step of the way my heart grieves and yet recognizes I am listening to and responding to God despite my fear.  And every step of the way that has been supported by so many people around me.  I give thanks for the many many clergy friends who have reached out to me meeting me for drinks and coffee during this very busy season when they really didn't have the time.  I give thanks for the friends and family in Louisville and beyond that have reached out to love and support me with calls, emails, texts, and facebook posts-I even give thanks for that annoying therapist who I love dearly.  And I give thanks that Father Jon put me in the pulpit Advent 4 even though I was so afraid.

Advent 4 Sermon  (Inspired by a commentary I read that wouldn't leave me)

This advent season I can't stop thinking about Mary and Joseph and how their lives so quickly changed.  Perhaps it's because Chris and I just celebrated our 21st anniversary on Thursday or perhaps it's because we just sent our first to college this fall, but my heart has been nostalgic and full of admiration for the faith of both Mary and Joseph and how they responded to God--how they went from being a young betrothed couple thinking they would live a quiet life to this.

Twenty one years ago I, a recent graduate with a graduate degree in psychology, married a teacher and coach.  Our plans included Chris moving into administration and probably becoming a head master of a boarding school where I could be the school psychologist and we could rear our four children spaced out every 3 years.  Perhaps the only thing that stayed true to our plan was the 4 children--of course they were born in 4 1/2 years as opposed to my "planned" spacing.  I can tell you I never dreamed we would be living in Louisville and I'd be a priest (I probably wouldn't have gotten married in December if I knew that part).  So this season I have been thinking about Mary and Joseph--I think so often Joseph gets left out as a model of faithful discipleship and instead just gets a supporting role.  But he was a faithful disciple--he stayed with Mary despite the ridicule he could have received from the community. He wasn't and isn't just an extra in the story--

But there are 3 points about Mary and today's Gospel I would like to focus on.  (So those of you who want to know when the sermon is almost over, it's when I say, 'and third')  First Mary is called the favored one.  Favored?  Think about this for a minute.  The angel comes to Mary and calls her favored and then goes on to tell her she is going to conceive out of wedlock--the favored one is going to risk humiliation, possible rejection from Joseph, and really her life.  In those days Joseph had every right to stone her to death for becoming pregnant not by him.  The favored one had to tell her parents, Joseph and ultimately the community would know too. The favored one had to give birth in a barn and then rear and love this child Jesus and eventually follow him to the cross where she saw her son ridiculed and crucified.   I'm not so sure I want that kind of favoritism.

But what it does tell us (besides being a really good argument against the prosperity gospel) is that being the favored one, the faithful one, does not guarantee an easy life.  It doesn't mean health and wealth will be heaped upon you.  It doesn't mean it's easy living but it does mean that responding to God's call despite the risks, despite the fear, means that in some way, perhaps in ways we can't even begin to imagine and with a power we don't even recognize, we too might play a part in God's plan for the healing and reconciliation of the world.

Second, Mary asks, "How can this be?"  And I imagine she also thought, "and what am I going to tell my parents? Tell Joseph?" I wonder if after Mary said yes she had moments of doubt and fear.  I think she did; Mary, the favored one, was human and I cannot imagine anyone saying yes to this and not having times of grief for what her life might have been (the life she planned--the simple quiet life), times of doubt, times of fear.  Those words, "How can this be?" in a split second changed her life and changed the world. We too have times we utter those words--we get a terminal diagnosis and we say, "how can this be?"; we lose a job, a relationship comes to an end; a transfer happens--even in joyful but unexpected moments-- promotions, pregnancies (Chris every 9 months when I told him I was pregnant again said, "How can this be?") we say, "how can this be?" and our world changes.  The path we thought we were living, would continue to live, takes a totally new direction and we follow the path carrying with us our doubt, our fear, and our faith.

And third, (almost over ya'll) the angel Gabriel departed. And Mary was left to go tell her parents, to tell Joseph--not knowing if she would be killed--I think probably feeling very scared, very alone.  The light had been surrounding her; the presence of God through the angel was clear; the strong presence of God warmed her, strengthened her, gave her courage, and then seemed to leave her and she was left to live out the 'yes' she had given.  I suspect many of us here today have had those moments when we powerfully felt the presence of God; we heard God clearly and we responded, and I suspect many of us have also had those moments when we felt like we said yes; we stepped out in faith and God disappeared and we were alone--we felt alone and possibly afraid, possibly angry, possibly sad, feeling deserted as we embraced this new path.  It may feel that way, but just as God stayed with Mary, God stays with us.  Last week I talked about how we as Christians are called to bring the presence of and love of God to those places of darkness and brokenness in the world.  We are called to bring the sure and certain hope that God remains with us even when it doesn't feel like it, even when all 'evidence' points to the contrary.  God is with us when we cry out, "how can this be?" and God remains with us when we live out the answer.  Amen

Inspired by Addie Szczesiul--Advent 3 Sermon

On Advent 1 Father Jon’s sermon asked us to use advent as a reminder to stay awake and alert.  He stressed there is so much brokenness, so much violence, so many sensational news stories that compete for our attention that it is easy to move from one to the other and forget the last.  As an illustration, he reminded us there are still Christians being persecuted in Iraq but we don’t hear much about it anymore; there is a new story—a new headline.  He challenged us to not let the media decide when it’s time to let something go, to fall back asleep, but rather to stay awake and alert to the world and to respond.  That sermon stayed with me for days and then just a few days ago it hit me again.

Most of you know last weekend I took the 10 states in five days trip.  On Wednesday the babies and I (yes, they would be my 14 and almost 16 year old children) set off for a youth conference in New Orleans.  We got as far as Athens, Alabama (not the Athens I love….), checked into a hotel and headed out for dinner.  We were seated in a booth—the babies across from me.  I just wanted to watch my beloved Hoos (and might I add my beloved undefeated Hoos) play a little hoops.  Suddenly both babies were turning red and saying, “I can’t believe it.”  “Not again.”  “This can’t be happening.”  “Mama, what are we gonna do?”  You see, this was the night it was announced the police officer was not indicted in Eric Garner’s death.  They were facing a different TV and that was showing CNN.  They became more and more agitated—louder and redder and kept saying, “Mama, what are we going to do?”  I began glancing around the restaurant partially to see what kind of scene we were creating but also hoping that maybe someone, anyone, had an answer because I sure didn’t. 

We headed back to the hotel and they kept asking what we were going to do; they kept saying, “This just isn’t right.” and pacing.  I texted SK and my husband telling them what was going on (again hoping someone had an answer) and what I got back from SK was, “Good they should be outraged.” and from Chris, “I don’t know what to tell them but I’m glad they care.”  I finally went to sleep; they continued to watch the coverage and to pace.  I woke up haunted—haunted and hopeful.  I didn’t have an answer for them, but we were heading to Province IV where I knew there were adults and other youth who would also be struggling with the question and who would talk and pray about it.  The future leaders of the church in this Province were gathering and I know them well enough to know the church will be in good hands, so I was hopeful---and relieved.  As we got on the interstate I shared with them my assurance that this would be discussed by future leaders of the church and that I was relieved about that.  Caroline in her very Caroline way said, “That’s great Mama, but I don’t just want to sit around and talk and pray about it, I want to DO something.”  I heard her…

These events this week have me thinking a lot about what it is that we as Christians bring to the table of doing something.  Why should we get together with one another and talk and pray?  Why should we partner with other agencies in our work?  What makes us different than other people, other organizations that want to do something; that in fact do do something.  Why should we respond as Christians when there are many other organizations—the Kiwanis, the Junior League, and others that might be able to respond even better?  Other organizations that might have more organization?  What do we bring to the table that is different?  Why do we as Christians need to be at the table?  Each week right here in our church we feed and clothe those in need—how is what we do any different than Dare to Care or the clothes closet on Broadway?

I believe that what makes us different is that we bring the presence of God and we bring hope.  Today marks the anniversary of the massacre in Newtown Conn.  I am blessed to have a friend in ministry there and almost every day she shares with me another example of how the presence of God was brought and continues to be brought to the people of Newtwon.  As dark as it was, Christians showed up and there was light—perhaps it was only a glimmer for a time, but the light of Christ was and is and will continue to be present in that community as they heal and it will be present throughout the world as we all heal.  In this world there are many people, good people, who move from aiding one problem to another; people who want nothing more than to help others. What we as Christians bring in addition to our hands to do the work is our hearts filled with the love of Christ and the hope, the belief, that one day there won’t be any more brokenness.  One day the world will be whole and good and right, there will be no more hungry or lonely or afraid.  There will be no more oppression and violence—there will no longer be the next story.

I am going to read an essay to you.  This essay was written by a young teenager last week, the day after my children learned about Eric Garner—she is one of my best high school friend’s daughter.  Some of you might find it too political for the pulpit; too raw.  Some of you might even be angry.  However you hear it I think it is important to remember that our youth care.  And I think it’s time we listen to them but not just listen that we do with them.  No matter your opinion, I ask that you hear it all the way through and that you pay particular attention to the end. 

Really, you don’t need to develop an opinion about the devastating events that have been occurring more and more across our country recently.  As humans, we all should have the common sense to see that what is happening is wrong, even if others are telling us differently. If you are human, you know the difference between self defense and murder.  If you are human you know that if a person has been brought to the ground and has said, “I can’t breathe” nine times, they are not a threat.  If you are human, you know that a man supporting six children does not deserve to die for a petty crime while his killer walks free.  If you are human, you know what putting both hands in the air means, and you know that it doesn’t mean eight bullets in the chest.  If you are human, you know sadness and loss and anger, you know that people should be able to express feeling and fight for something they believe in, and you know they don’t deserve to be shot down for standing up.  If you are human you know the difference between an innocent child playing in a park and a person who could potentially put others’ lives at risk, you know that twelve years old is too young to have been put in the ground just two days ago, that an officer’s “mistake” couldn’t possibly be a good enough excuse for a grieving mother who will never see her child grow up.  If you are human, you know that a black boy carrying nothing but an Arizona iced tea and a bag of Skittles is less likely to be a threat than a racist with a loaded gun.  And if you are human, you have the common sense to look at the world around you and see that something needs to change.  It is time for us to be more human.                             ~Addie Szczesiul

Something needs to change.  Over 2000 years ago, God knew something needed to be changed and God became human to show us what being human can and should be.  God came in the flesh so that we could live into our full humanity.  God knows sadness and loss and anger, and God in the flesh showed us that people should be able to express feelings and fight for something they believe in. Jesus did that and was crucified for standing up to what was wrong.  It is time for us to stay awake, to see that something needs to change and to strive day after day to live into our full, complete, and good humanity.

As Christians we bring the hope that through the brokenness there can be blessing.  That no matter how dark it seems there can be and is the presence of God—that healing and reconciliation can and will happen.  God came in the flesh and God’s human body was broken, but from that brokenness came blessing for us all.  Each week as we celebrate the Eucharist, we remember the blessing we receive from that brokenness.  Rowan Williams writes in his new book, “By identifying himself with the broken bread and the spilled wine, the broken flesh and the shed blood, Jesus says that this death which is approaching is a door into hope.  And it is at that moment when he is looking forward most clearly and vividly to his death, even before the Garden of Gethsemane casts its shadow, that Jesus gives thanks.  That is, he connects his experience with the reality of God, because that is what thanksgiving does….And when Jesus gives thanks at that moment before the breaking and spilling, before the wounds and the blood it is as if he is connecting the darkest places of human experience with God the Giver; as if he is saying that even in these dark places God continues to give, and therefore, we must continue to give thanks.” (p. 48)  He continues, “Sometimes after receiving Holy Communion, a I look around a congregation, large or small, I have a sensation I can only sum up as this is it—this is the moment when people see one another and the world properly; when they are filled with the Holy Spirit and when they are equipped to go and do God’s work.  It my last only a few seconds, but there it is.  It has happened and it happens again and again.” (p. 58)

Today as you come to the altar and receive, leave and look to your left and right—look at the humanness and the image of God in each of those here and think about the humanness and the image of God in ALL those throughout the world.  It may only last a few seconds, but perhaps if we keep coming and we keep trying as we leave each week then next week it will be a few more seconds and the week after a little longer, and the week after a little longer until one day it will just be it.   Amen.

Williams, Rowan; Being Christian Baptism, Bible, Eucharist, Prayer. (Grand Rapids, MI:  William B. Eerdmans Publishing,    

    2014)

                                                               

What are We Going To Do?

Last Wednesday the babies and I set out for our 10 states in 6 day trek.  We left full of excitement for all the adventures we had ahead--Province IV Youth Leadership, a wedding, and a funeral.  The first afternoon we drove 6 hours and arrived in Athens, Alabama (not the Athens we hold near and dear to our hearts, but the temperatures were above 60 so we weren't complaining too loudly.)  It was past 8 and we were starving.  As we settled into our booth for dinner a breaking news story flashed across the screen.  The Eric Garner decision had been released and there were protests erupting in New York.  I sighed; the babies became enraged.  They turned bright red and began talking quite loudly (wonder where they get that?).  They were animated, appalled, and firing questions at me.  I kept glancing around the restaurant wondering if people were staring, but also hoping someone had some answers for my children because I had few if any.  The question they asked the most was, "What are we going to do?"

I had no answer for that either, but I knew I was headed for New Orleans where we would be gathering with an amazing group of youth and adults who would put their heads and hearts together in prayer and conversation.  Together we would ask the questions that were coarsing through our individual minds and together we would work to bring hope, healing and reconciliation.  I didn't have answers but I knew this gathering would be full of youth (and adults) who had yet to acquiesce to the belief that "this was just how things were going to be."  This gathering would be full of people who believed in and worked for the coming Kingdom of God--full of people who were still "convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers , nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  (Romans 8:38-39; NRSV) We might not yet know how, but we believed that God will reign and love will win.   I prayed that my own two children would find some peace or at least feel less lonely in their outrage.  All evening they paced the hotel room watching the news and looking at me with eyes that used to be so full of hope and trust but were becoming clouded with cynicism and defeat.  I wanted that shroud to be lifted before it overtook them, and I knew Province IV and the people there would help me do that.  And I wasn't wrong.  We are still asking the questions; the children are still struggling with why they have to ask the question, but they are also full of conviction that we can begin to become part of the solution and that all begins with asking the question, "What are we going to do?"

The weekend continued to progress--we made our stop in Georgia for the wedding of my sister and now brother-in-law.  What a privilege it was to officiate.  Sunday morning we left for Raleigh so I could officiate at my Uncle Jimmy's memorial service and then attend the reception following.  It was so important to me that I honor Uncle Jimmy and try to capture who he was as well as to proclaim the Gospel.  I'm not sure I'm qualified to do either, but I did my best.  I was quite impressed with myself that I got through only choking up a time or two--well until the reception....

During the reception several people got up to speak about Uncle Jimmy or "Jones" as most people knew him (those people who were not lucky enough to be his niece).  Most of the time it was funny--he was funny and fun.  One of his close friends moved to the microphone with his wife and his guitar. He said he wanted to play a song Uncle Jimmy had written back in the 60's.  And he began to play and to sing, and that is when I lost it.  I cried because I wanted Uncle Jimmy to be the one up there singing, and I cried because he, in the 60's, was asking the same question that my children were asking now, "what are we going to do?"  I cried because I want my children to know well the man who started asking that question so long ago when it was not popular to ask the question, and I want them to be able to talk to him about how he lived his life because he asked and continued to ask AND TRIED TO ANSWER the questions, "What are we going to do?"  I cried because 50 years later we are still having to ask that question, and I cried because there are good people who will no longer be with us when we can stop.  But we must start--we must try.

Today I still tear up when I pull the song up on my computer and listen to my uncle. (You can listen to him here Ballad of MLK)  But I am also proud--proud that my children are part of a family that has and will and will forever ask the question and try to be part of the solution.  I don't know who of us will still be here when the question is finally put to rest, but I know we'll never stop trying.  And I am proud that more and more people are joining in the chorus of "What are we going to do?" and more and more people are searching for a place to start.

I know we're not alone--who else is asking, "What are we going to do?"  Who's willing to start?

Engagement and Thanksgiving--the Lessons I Learned

Family gatherings--for some they are dreaded, for others they are cherished, and for others they are, well, some where in between.

Every other year we travel to spend Thanksgiving with my sister's family, but I believed this year it would be different.  I thought this year SK would want to come home for the holidays, so I was over the moon happy when I got the call that said, "I want to go to the beach with the Sherrills."  I tried to withhold my excitement as I asked, "Are you sure?"  "Yes," SK responded, "I didn't see Ellison this summer.  I want to see her."  (Now Boss tells a different story, but this is MY blog.)  I couldn't believe my good luck--our beach house (read my own personal sanatorium), all four of my children and husband together, and my sister/best friend and her family all together.  IT WAS GOING TO BE PERFECT!!!!

Planning the meal wasn't as hard as I thought--the children pretty much told us what they wanted and we complied.  Things were going beautifully.  This was a piece of cake (which may in fact be the only kind of dessert that wasn't requested.)  SK, Meredith and her girls arrived Tuesday night and the rest of us rolled in (after a 9 hour drive, but who cares when you're heading to heaven) Wednesday afternoon.  There seemed to be a tad bit of stress, but that seemed to dissipate as we headed off to Poe's Tavern, a family tradition.   I really believed this holiday was going to surpass all my expectations.

We started teasing one another--some the same old things we say every year, but this year, for some reason, I got my feelings hurt.  (And I suspect others feelings were hurt as well over the weekend, but again this is my blog.)  How is it that family who knows you the best, loves you the most can also unintentionally (at least in ours) hurt you the deepest?  I took my hurt feelings like toys in a sandbox and began planning in my head how I was going to respond or not respond or pretend to respond or well who knows, I just gathered up my toys  prepared to flee--if not physically then emotionally.  I decided disconnecting would be my response.   When our feelings are hurt life isn't especially rational.  And I certainly wasn't going to just admit my feelings were hurt or ask for clarification--why would I do that?  That would have cost me hours of not being able to obsess over this.

Thursday morning during the Turkey Trot (and yes my 17 year old son who does not run on a regular basis beat me by at least five minutes a fact I'm trying to forget) I tried to process what had happened the night before--to make some meaning.  I came to the beach with expectations--what I realize is that everyone came with expectations.  We came together as a family who although is far closer than most extended families, doesn't live in the same places.  We don't know everything about each other's daily lives; we all came with our own exhaustion, some of us with our own pain, some of us with our own feelings of failure and insecurity, but all of us with love.  And we came with teenage children who have their own relationships with one another and thankfully with the adults.   I truly give thanks to God for that.  All those years of traveling to be together have paid off, but it creates a complex web of relationships.  It creates a complex web of who knows what about who (and I'm not talking skeleton in the closest kind of stuff just stuff).  Assumptions are made, comments are thrown out, words are said, and sometimes intentions are lost.  We also came together as two separate primary families who have their own ways of doing things; their own ways of being--for starters the Sherrills are much calmer than we are--calmer by 1/2 the children, their own inside jokes.

As I was running I was thinking about our family, the unintended hurt and it occurred to me.  Our family, probably many families, are a microcosms of what happens when different groups--whether its different races, ages, genders, political affiliations, schools--you name it, gather.  Groups come together with their expectations of how things are going to be often without having discussed their expectations.  Groups come together with different ways of understanding some words and actions; groups come together with their own histories, their own hurts, their own prejudices, and sometimes, these get in the way.  Groups sometimes believe (and sometimes they're right, but sometimes they're not) that another group wants to hurt them--is making fun of something that is deeply personal and meaningful, and they want to hurt back or they want to flee.  It is during these times we sometimes dig the trenches of differences wider and deeper and make the bridges to connection harder to construct.  It happens in families; it happens in society.

I didn't take my toys and go home.  I didn't even share my feelings.  But I stayed and I engaged and everyone else engaged and it was a wonderful Thanksgiving.  It was the peace and respite I so desperately needed with those whom I love most and who know me best--and still love me back.

What keeps us together?  Some may say it's just because we're family and we have that common bond--that history of love and forgiveness.   That's where I was going with this blog on Thursday morning.  That we have a commonality which is our family--our family name if you will.  Then I was going to write that groups that don't flee also have a commonality.  They have the commonness of humanity.  The right to dignity and respect because they each and everyone are human and all created in the image of God however anyone understands God.  That is all true--and I could end here, but for me it's not the ending.  I think what made this the most perfectly hurtful, healing, loving Thanksgiving is that we all stayed and we all stayed engaged.  That's the hard part--staying despite pain, despite anger, despite fear--staying and staying engaged again and again and again. Family staying; different groups staying; just staying engaged despite the difference, despite the pain.  My prayer is that one day because we stay and stay engaged--the differences will diminish.  We will  no longer be different groups, different people, staying engaged--we will all be one.

I'm ready for another Doyle/Sherrill Thanksgiving.  I've been afraid this one will be the last--but in my neurotic it's all about me state, I've already looked up the holiday schedule for Boss' first choice of colleges.  He can come home for five days and then we can head back to the beach--and stay engaged.

I am angry and so I write

I am so angry, so very angry.  I am so angry and don't know what to do with my anger, and so I write.

All SK ever wanted was to go to UVA.  We made her look at other schools just to be sure (We give her plenty to sit on a therapist's couch and talk about in 20 years-- I try to control what I can and I've taken off the table 'my mother forced me to go to her cherished alma mater.')  But it's all she ever wanted, and she worked very hard to make sure it happened.  And it did.

In August Chris and I took an excited young lady to the hallowed Grounds of UVA.   She was ready to start a new chapter of her life, to embrace all the University had to offer, to make life long friends, and to grow in her love for UVA.  She has done and continues to do all those things, but she is also living in a dark shadow--the whole University is living in a dark shadow, and they are fighting like hell to keep the darkness at bay.  And I am angry--angry that on top of every other adjustment to University life, she has to endure all of this.  I am angry we will spend holiday time not only hearing about all the exciting times she has had this fall but also processing all the trauma and tragedy engulfing the University.

Hannah Graham went missing and I was terrified. I was and am angry, but  I was also so proud of my University and how the community rallied around the Graham family and one another; I was so proud to be able to say that I am part of this community-that this was my University.  I was proud, and I was grateful.  I was grateful for my University friends who rallied around my girl making sure she was okay and probably the bigger challenge making sure I was okay.

Despite the fear that seized the Grounds, SK was thriving.  She was and is making incredible friends; she was and is not only excelling in her classes, but soaking up all the knowledge.   I love the phone calls I get that start with, "Guess what we talked about in class today?" and then we have rich deep conversations.  I am proud of her service through Madison House.  I love how she has become part of the Monroe Society so she can pass her love of the University onto prospective students, and I am angry that there are now prospective students who may not even apply.

Two days ago a chilling article was printed in Rolling Stone (Read with caution).  It is horrific, and I am embarrassed and so angry that this is my University.  Sabrina Rubin Erdely the author, has said that she looked for an elite school to highlight-- to highlight this atrocious behavior that happens on college campuses across the country.  I am angry that she found it so easily at UVA.  I am angry that so many lives have been damaged at UVA and across the country because of a culture of silence and shame.  I am angry that the behavior of some casts a pall on college life that is sometimes hard to crawl out from under.  I am so very angry.

I am angry that I have had to talk to SK about this, and I am proud of her stand.  She is horrified that some students are saying people should have stayed quiet, and she better understands than many adults the complexities of the situation.  She is angry with some of the administration, and she supports others.  And I am both proud that she is so articulate about all of this and angry that this situation--this complex legal and societal issue is not something she is just learning about in classes but rather is living.

Yesterday I received a text from SK, "someone committed suicide here today."  And I literally froze and my anger bubbled to the surface as I let out a scream, "NO!!!!"  She sent me the link, and I began to cry hot angry tears.  I'm angry for the community, for the child--yes child, who ended his/her life, and I am angry and sad for the family that will now enter the holiday week burying their child instead of welcoming him/her home for Thanksgiving.  I yelled out to my empty house, "NO!  Please not one more thing at UVA.  Please God, no more."  And my anger continued throughout the afternoon and into the evening to fester and to burgeon.

Later in the evening I received a message from a friend about something else.  In it she said, "You and Chris are amazing parents."  I was surprised that a comment that I should have been grateful for, a comment that was meant to build me up, made me even angrier.  It made me angrier  because I don't feel amazing.  I feel powerless and out of control.  All I could think was, "Yeah we're so amazing that our girl is having to deal with stuff alone."  I didn't, we didn't, prepare SK to deal with all this.  Yes we talked to her about the dangers of walking alone, of not accepting drinks from other people, of date rape, and of stress.  But we didn't prepare her for all this...I am angry that she and so many other people have had to endure this onslaught of tragedy at the University.  I am angry that I can't fix it.  When SK sent me the text with the link to the suicide article I responded, "Do you just want me to come get you tomorrow?" and I silently hoped and prayed she's say yes.  For two hours as my anger grew I got no response.  She finally responded,  "I would but I have a bunch of stuff.  I'll be okay."  That's the girl Chris and I raised--and I'm both proud and angry.  Proud and angry that she is so conscientious and responsible, proud and angry that she wants to stay.  I want to go get her.   I want her home in my arms; I want her home where she can process with those she loves; I want her to not have to process, to not have to try to make sense of the violence and senseless behavior surrounding her in C'ville.  I am so angry, and so I write.

I write so the anger won't fester and become fear and hate.  I write so that the anger finds a way out and hopefully, and I do hope and pray, the anger joins with others outrage and anger and begins to find a way forward.  I believe in the goodness of the world despite the evil that continually tries to blot it out.  I believe in my University and the goodness of the community.  I want to be a part of the solution, but first I must get rid of the anger, and so I write.

A Messy Room and Hope for the Children

Yesterday I entered the dregs, the chaos, the indescribable--yes, yesterday I decided that instead of telling William to clean up his room (which I have realized requires an understanding he doesn't have of what "clean" means) I decided to clean alongside him.  Let's just say I kept saying, "Good Lord deliver me." to which he would respond, "Why do you keep saying that?"  Create your own picture of what I found.

As we finished cleaning--HOURS later--I thought, "I hope he marries well." And then a funny post started developing in my mind; a post describing the person and the attributes that person will need to live with my second and beloved nerdy, athletic son who at almost 16 I still have to remind to take a shower, put on deoderant, and brush his teeth.  That person is going to have to be patient, have a great sense of humor, and understand his sensitive, loving, kind, justice filled heart.  And that person is going to have to either love to clean, love to live in chaos, or have enough money to hire William a personal assistant.  So I was laughing as I thought about who this person might be.  Then my mind jumped (William's physical life might be chaotic, but my mind is--chaotic and connecting things that don't seem to have any connection, and I expect people to keep up, SO KEEP UP!)--back to the jump.  I started thinking about William's Godmother  undeniably one of the most faithful people I know--our Aunt Christy.  I thought, "Thank goodness she's his Godmother because I know she not only prays for him daily but also for whomever becomes his life partner."  Stay with me we're jumping again...

Right after her first born, my Godson, was born we were talking about the incredible responsibility we had in rearing our children.  I was pregnant with Sarah Katherine and so didn't really yet know how immense your love can be for someone and how you can feel so ill prepared and yet so protective, and so determined. Christy told me that every night she stands over Andrew's crib and prays for him and for whomever he  would some day marry.  I pledged to follow her lead (I'm pretty sure I haven't been as consistent as she has been...trusting God will understand); I'm pretty sure our husbands thought we were slightly hormonal and a bit off, but hey they married us; they should have known.

So, I was writing in my mind the funny post I could write about William and his future life partner which led me to Christy which led me to tears.  (Our husbands know we're a bit off; now you do too.)

I began to cry because I started to think about all the children who don't have people praying for them much less praying for people who will eventually enter their lives.  My mind then jumped again to remind me that not all people pray, and that doesn't make them bad people and it isn't just not having people pray for you that is sad.  I try to be inclusive and recognize and respect everyone's faith that may or may not be the same as mine and to respect there are some very good people who define themselves as agnostic or atheist, while they may not be standing over their children's cribs praying, they are planning and preparing their children for their future.   Back to the children.

I went deeper into my thoughts and began to cry for the children who don't have anyone who thinks about their future, for the children who don't have anyone who believes they will have a future, for the children who don't have anyone to help them clean their rooms, for the children who don't have rooms, for the children who don't have homes, for the children who don't have anyone.  I know someone who worked in New Orleans for Teach for America.  Naively he asked his class of sixth graders, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  The room was silent.  Finally one little boy raised his hand and said, "Mr.__________, we don't even know that we will grow up."  And that young man did not.

We live in a rich country; we "fight" for our rights; and yet we have children who grow up or don't grow up without hope.  And it makes me feel helpless and powerless.  Those children may be helpless and powerless,  but I'm not.  Earlier in the day I was reading Deuteronomy preparing for EfM and it repeatedly called the Israelites to care for the widows and the orphans.  In the New Testament Jesus calls the people to care for the widows and orphans.  I believe there are orphans who physically have no parents and I believe there are children who are orphans because they have no emotional parents; there are orphans who have no hope.  And I believe we are called to care for them.  My faith tells me there is always hope and that I am to live in such a way that brings that hope to others.  I am called to bring that hope to the children.

How do we live into hope?  How do we bring hope to the children and to the world?  How do I?

It all started with a messy room.....

Recognizing Privilege--Now What?

A couple of weeks ago while in Raleigh I was privileged to tag along as my good friend traveled to meet with "a grower."  Patti is the Development Coordinator of the Episcopal Farm Worker Ministry.  That's her title, but talk to her for 2 minutes and you will hear the title only begins to describe what she does.  You will hear her passion for this ministry as you watch her become more and more animated--sometimes smiling broadly at the good works that are happening and sometimes you will see tears pool in her eyes as she describes the abhorrent living conditions provided to some of the workers. You will hear how she loves what she does, the people she works for and with, and most poignantly you will hear her fury at the injustices she witnesses.  I challenge anyone to listen to her and not want to get involved in whatever way they can.

To be honest, it's a complicated ministry; it's a complicated situation.  The official mission of the ministry as written on the Diocese of East Carolina's website is:

The Episcopal Farmworker Ministry responds to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of migrant and seasonal farmworkers and their families, and actively supports opportunities for them to become self-directive. We seek to minister to farmworkers in three principal ways:

• through direct services,
• through development and support of programs that work towards the empowerment of farmworkers and through encouraging leadership development, and
• through advocacy and education that aim toward systematic change at the local and state levels.

But it's complex.  There are farm workers here legally and some not; there are growers who work very hard to provide the best conditions and there are growers who don't.  Into this world I got to enter.

Patti was traveling to visit a grower whom she had yet to meet but who had heard her quote a daily wage and the amount of work each migrant farmer had to do to earn it.  This grower disagreed with the number, and Patti wanted to talk to him.  While she desperately wants the problematic aspects of the system to be exposed, she also wants to be accurate and fair.  And so we went and met with this grower for several hours.  We toured his farm, the living quarters for the workers, and we had lunch.  He is a good man and Patti said, "A good grower."  He has workers who return year after year to work for him--I don't know much, but I suspect if he wasn't kind and fair they would find other places to work.  Patti and the grower had deep meaningful conversations and we left with the two of them wanting to continue the discussion.  Both want to work to better the conditions of the workers; I suspect this man will become involved with the ministry on a larger level.  

But, you knew there would be a but didn't you?  There is one statement he gave that has haunted me.  We were talking about how it is difficult to get "local" people to work on the farms.  It's a general statement, but his experience has been that locals show up occasionally, don't work as hard and cause problems (read fight with) the migrant workers.  The grower said that working with the migrant worker was a "win-win."  They need the work and the growers need the workers.  "Win-win" has echoed through my mind for these past two weeks--echoed through my mind is not quite right--thundered through my mind is more accurate and thundered in a void (not my mind the truthfulness of the statement).   I don't want to say it is completely hollow, completely false, but when I hear the phrase "win-win" I think equal; 50/50--but it's not.

The relationship is not equal; there is a power differential.  The workers are here on a specific work visa (again I don't claim to understand the complexity of this) which allows them to be here for a specific time frame.  They live on the farms where they work; they are dependent on the growers to provide them transportation into town for their groceries and other supplies.  If they quit or are fired, they have nowhere to go and no way to get there.  I cannot help but think that would keep people from speaking up if they felt oppressed.  Please remember, I do think this man is a very good man--a man who very much wants to do right by the workers who work for him, and I also believe he sees their relationship as win-win, and yet the echo in my mind won't stop.

And I think, where else are their relationships where on the surface they appear to be equal and yet just below the surface there is a power differential; there is a difference because one person has a privilege, has power the other doesn't?  What booms in my mind is the question, where do we not recognize those privileges?  Where do we, where do I have power and privilege that I don't own either because I am living my comfortable life to busy to see them or perhaps and more hauntingly because I don't want to see?  For two weeks I have wrestled with this; I have dug into my life and into my ministry and tried to uncover and own the privileges I hold and others hold.  Frankly I have been obsessed...

Last night some of us gathered talking about faith and politics.  How does our faith inform how we vote?  The conversation went in many directions--one of those directions was to our places of privilege.  We talked and talked and talked each admitting to places in our lives where privilege has played a part and then....a very good man who is becoming a very good friend (at least until he asked this question) asked, "So what do we do about it?  What are the next steps?"  I had myself convinced (read broke my arm patting myself on the back) that I was doing important work in recognizing and exposing.  It's a first step, but the stair case is steep.  Now I am restless, incredibly restless and yearning to do something, but what?  

I live in a warm home where this morning I got to take my children drinks to their beds to awaken them so they could leave for a school where they are provided an excellent education.   I have been able to sit in a chair, watching the news and thinking about all of this--writing about this--it does not escape me that in itself is a privilege.  Now what?