A Window into Someone's Soul

There are so many windows in the world--big arched bevelled glass majestic windows, regular four pane windows, windows that swing out, stained glass windows and peep holes. I think people are like that. There are parts of our lives that we share with everyone--those big huge windows; everyone's welcome to see those parts of our lives, those feelings, those thoughts. In fact we almost announce them to anyone who will listen. But we also have the other windows--windows that seem foggy and we only share part of what we think. We may let some people see and some just get a glimpse. And then there are the peep holes, we let someone just see a little. The problem with peep holes is they can distort the view. Look through a peep hole in a door. You can't see the whole room and the perception of it's size or depth is distorted. You may think you see something that's not there or you may not see something that is there. Peep holes don't really show us anything. Sometimes we turn our peep holes into bigger windows and select who we will let see. This is very scary--letting someone see the real deal. If I just let you peep into my kitchen you won't see that I haven't cleaned the floor but if I create a window you know. When we let someone peep into our deepest feelings, they really don't know how deeply they go. If I let you see everything you may not like me anymore, you may reject me, you may change your opinion of me. Or worse yet, you may not believe me. You may not understand that I turned that peep hole into a big window and I let you see this is how I really feel down to my core. And if you laugh at me, if you shrug me off, if you assume it's still a peep hole and not my deepest fear, then I'm going to close the window and a bit of me dies. And I'm going to cover the peep hole and hide behind the wall.

We don't know when people share whether it's a peep hole or the whole window-how do we respond to that?

Fear

I'm working through this and have no conclusion to draw, but I think fear is so powerful. It's power is expressed in different ways--one can either overreact because of fear or not act at all. I'm finding fear is very powerful in my life right now. Fear is playing a huge role in my parenting. I'm afraid of all the things that could happen to my children--not physically but the many roads they could go down that will make their lives harder. I fear them making bad decisions in friendships, becoming sneaky and shutting me out. I mostly fear that one day they will disappear from our lives as some children do. That fear has caused me to put them under a microscope and try to dissect everything they say or do--to look for signs of things to come. Parenting from a standpoint of fear doesn't work; it's probably sure to drive in that wedge that I'm so afraid of.

Fear is also driving my life choices. Or rather I'm allowing it to immobilize me. I'm so afraid of failing; of not being good enough or smart enough, that I'm not doing anything. I have essays to write and a CPE application to finish, but instead I find sheets to iron and windows to wash. I'm afraid of not being able to handle it all; I'm afraid that going back to school and then work will be terrible for the family; I'm afraid that not doing it will be terrible for me; I'm afraid of regretting whatever decision I make one day. So I do nothing. And fear has all the power over me. It is true there is nothing to fear but fear itself--fear is powerful.

I'm thinking the opposite of fear is faith. That I have to have faith that I am doing the best job I can parenting. I wake up every morning and try to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. I have to have faith that even when I make mistakes that there is grace enough to cover them, and I have to have faith that even if the worst happens, even if one of my children no longer wants to be part of our lives that I will be able to sustain.

I have to have faith in decisions and I have to step out. I have to stop over thinking. I have seen so many times in my life that decisions I have made have worked out for the best even if it's not the way I planned it or thought it would work. Faith is all I have to conquer fear; the problem is right now I don't think I have enough of it. I guess you could say I fear my faith isn't strong enough. I suppose it has to be an active choice to choose faith over fear. Anyone know how?