I'm working through this and have no conclusion to draw, but I think fear is so powerful. It's power is expressed in different ways--one can either overreact because of fear or not act at all. I'm finding fear is very powerful in my life right now. Fear is playing a huge role in my parenting. I'm afraid of all the things that could happen to my children--not physically but the many roads they could go down that will make their lives harder. I fear them making bad decisions in friendships, becoming sneaky and shutting me out. I mostly fear that one day they will disappear from our lives as some children do. That fear has caused me to put them under a microscope and try to dissect everything they say or do--to look for signs of things to come. Parenting from a standpoint of fear doesn't work; it's probably sure to drive in that wedge that I'm so afraid of.
Fear is also driving my life choices. Or rather I'm allowing it to immobilize me. I'm so afraid of failing; of not being good enough or smart enough, that I'm not doing anything. I have essays to write and a CPE application to finish, but instead I find sheets to iron and windows to wash. I'm afraid of not being able to handle it all; I'm afraid that going back to school and then work will be terrible for the family; I'm afraid that not doing it will be terrible for me; I'm afraid of regretting whatever decision I make one day. So I do nothing. And fear has all the power over me. It is true there is nothing to fear but fear itself--fear is powerful.
I'm thinking the opposite of fear is faith. That I have to have faith that I am doing the best job I can parenting. I wake up every morning and try to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. I have to have faith that even when I make mistakes that there is grace enough to cover them, and I have to have faith that even if the worst happens, even if one of my children no longer wants to be part of our lives that I will be able to sustain.
I have to have faith in decisions and I have to step out. I have to stop over thinking. I have seen so many times in my life that decisions I have made have worked out for the best even if it's not the way I planned it or thought it would work. Faith is all I have to conquer fear; the problem is right now I don't think I have enough of it. I guess you could say I fear my faith isn't strong enough. I suppose it has to be an active choice to choose faith over fear. Anyone know how?
1 comment:
Wow. That's a big question how we choose faith over fear!
I think everyone does everything but what they plan to do - it's far easier to swan around than sustain concentration on a task - a bit like what I am doing now when I am supposed to be getting something ready for this evening!
But choosing faith over fear - I'm not sure that we can replace a blob of fear with a blob of faith just like that. But we can choose to listen to the angels who always seem to preface their remarks with "do not be afraid" and as we choose to listen to the angelic voices (as opposed to those nasty ones in the back of our minds whose intent is to destory (a typo I've just noticed - but an interesting one) our self confidence. Listening to the angels is an act of faith in itself isn't it - and the impact on ourselves is increased confidence.
PS Like the new background to the blog.
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