It hurt. Someone I love, wait scratch that, someone I love and adore said something to me, and it hurt. Wait, scratch that it cut me to the core. Now I very well may be being overly dramatic--I've been known to do that. It wasn't even what was said (I don't remember that); it was how it was sad--with irritation, disdain, and dismissal. Maybe it hit me so hard because I'm hormonal or lonely or scared or missing my family or for any other thousands of reasons. I don't know. But it hurt; it hurts. My eyes stung with tears; I bit my lip; I was determined not to cry. And I was so incredibly thankful that I was asked to do something else--something that required my action and not my feelings--something that kept me from thinking and hurting.
Yeah right--even as I did what I needed to do; even as I took care of two other people, I thought and I hurt. As we walked I thought about how to address this or should I address this? I wondered what I could say that would both allow me to speak my truth and to avoid being a martyr. There was a part of me that wanted to lash back, a part of me that wanted to repay the hurt. I started thinking about scripture and what could speak to this? I really liked the idea of an eye for an eye--I wanted to like it even more; I wanted to be more angry and less hurt. I realized I had to let that go. For a while I stuck with turn the other cheek; I sat with Jesus would understand the emotions going on in the other person and just allow himself to take it. But it didn't work. I couldn't stay there. I thought about Jesus in the temple over turning tables and sending people scattering. Jesus felt justifiable anger and he didn't allow himself to become a living breathing door mat. But that story, while keeping me from being a self righteous martyr, also didn't hold my heart. Then I remembered the rich man's question...
Actually what I remembered was one particular verse, "Jesus looked at him carefully and loved him." (Mark 10:21 CEB) and then "But the man was dismayed at this statement and went away saddened.." (Mark 10:22; CEB). Jesus looked at the man--the man who couldn't sell his possessions, the man who couldn't do what Jesus required of him--with love. He looked at him with love AND he let him walk away. He didn't chase after him and try to convince him that he was making a mistake. He didn't try to persuaded him to change his mind, to admit his shortcomings and to follow. He gave him space; he loved him enough to give him space; he loved him enough to let him be who he was with no judgment. I believe Jesus continued to love the man. I feel certain Jesus hurt. Jesus loves us all and wants the best for each of us. Jesus wants healthy relationships for each of us with him and with each other. Sometimes that means stepping back, giving space, and perhaps even giving up something or somewhere we love for the other. It doesn't mean accepting it or celebrating it; it certainly doesn't mean it won't hurt.
We don't know what ultimately happens to the rich man. Perhaps he goes away and comes back Perhaps given the space Jesus offers him he recognizes he wants to remain in relationship no matter what the cost, and he comes back. Perhaps the man returns to Jesus giving fully of himself not because Jesus guilted him or manipulated him into remaining in relationship but because he chooses to. Perhaps he doesn't...we don't know. But I do know the space offered remains open and available. Sometimes despite the pain, that's all we need to know.....
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