Aunt Betty is my Daddy's step sister; she has been his step sister for 45 years, but he's known her much longer than that. They both grew up in Norton, Virginia--their parents socialized--they were friends. After Libby's, Aunt Betty's mother, second husband died and my grandparents divorced, they were married. None of Libby's and my Pop's children lived in Norton anymore so while I knew and loved Libby, my contact with Aunt Betty, her brother and their families was minimal.
When I became an English major at UVA, my Uncle Irby, Aunt Betty's husband, became my advisor. Aunt Betty graciously accepted my panicked calls trying to track Uncle Irby down to sign my registration forms because once again I waited until the last minute. (This was long before online registration.) I suspect she began to expect that call because each time she responded, "Yes he's here. Come on over and plan to stay for dinner." I'd be there within minutes and the table was already set for three. Over the years I spent time at their home particularly when Mother and Daddy were in town. Both my graduation celebration and my sister's were held on their terrace. They were always gracious and loving--genuine and open. But as life happens our visits became more infrequent (okay I'll be honest I saw her 4-5 times over the last 20 years), and yet when I walked through her door early this fall, missing my Uncle Irby who's been gone for 20 years, she reached out her arms to me as though I had been there just the previous week.
Last weekend I went to Raleigh to bury my beloved Uncle Jimmy As I wrote, life wasn't perfect for Uncle Jimmy or for me, but we loved each other unconditionally; we were family. During the days I was there I spent hours talking to both my Daddy's sisters, my aunts. We talked about the good times, and we also talked about the years of pain. My grandparents marriage was unhappy, very unhappy. While there were times of joy, there were more years of silence, confusion, and pain. It took a toil on my Daddy and my aunts. It affected their lives and their relationships. Last weekend we talked about those painful years and times; we shed tears; but we also celebrated the healing and the strength that we all have found. I got home from that time with my aunts and 24 hours later I left for Charlottesville.
The night before we left I was telling my children all about Aunt Betty and the family they might meet this weekend. I was trying to explain the relationships; "Aunt Betty is Pop's step sister or bonus sister as we like to call our steps. She's about 10 years older than Pop and her sons are a little bit older than me but they have children just a little bit older than you." Caroline looked back at me and said, "Oh great--I'm going to go meet someone who is in our family, who is older than Pop. I'll fall in love with her, and then she'll die in the next 10-15 years and then I'll be sad, really sad. Thanks Mama." How do you answer that?!?!?!
We arrived in C'ville and just as she did with me early this fall, Aunt Betty reached out and embraced me, Chris, and each of our children as we walked through the door. She was heading out to a parade; she stopped, turned around and said, "I'm going to cancel going out right now; I'll go later. I'm just going to tell my friend my family just got here." And my heart swelled. Throughout the weekend we spent lots of time with Aunt Betty, her son Bruce and his partner Nancy. (I'm just going to call them both cousins--because that's how I view them!) We laughed and told stories; we enjoyed being together; we enjoyed being a family.
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As we left yesterday I thought of Romans 8:28 which says, "We know that all things work together for good, for those who love God according to his purpose." Let me be clear, I don't believe for one minute that God makes bad things happen so that good can come. But I do believe that God is present in the bad--in the pain and the isolation and the hurt, and I believe God can and does bring hope and reconciliation. My grandparents divorce, my parents divorce, other divorces, other addictions have brought immense pain to our family, but as I left the house hugging my aunt and hearing her say, "Any time, you hear me. Any time you are welcome, and I'll call and check on Sarah Katherine tomorrow. Don't worry about her; I know she's not feeling well. I'll check." I saw and felt the good that has come--the good that God has brought from the pain of our family. The good and the blessing that we have found in our extended bonus family.
Last weekend both my cousin and my aunt asked me independently what I like about being a priest. Knowing how religion has hurt them in the past, I stuttered and spent more time saying what I was glad I didn't do--passing down judgment and being exclusive-than I did expressing what I did like about it. Their question has haunted me. This weekend the answer was crystal clear. As a priest, I am invited into people's lives in their most vulnerable times. I am gifted with hearing people's stories, with journeying with them as they struggle to make meaning of their lives, and with offering myself as a bridge between God and themselves as they seek to mend broken relationships, to reconcile the pain of the world with God's unconditional love and grace. I get to continually proclaim God's goodness and love. I try to spend my days recognizing and pointing to God's redeeming love. I love so much what I am privileged to do, but the vow I took that I love the most is to "endeavor so to minister the Word of God and the sacraments of the New Covenant, that the reconciling love of Christ may be known and received." (BCP, 532) This weekend Aunt Betty was my priest.
This weekend I saw and felt Aunt Betty's home in a sacramental way. Aunt Betty's home has become for me an outward and visible sign of God's goodness--of "proof" that all things can work together for good"--of God's love and God's hospitality. It has become for me a sign of hope and reconciliation and grace and most importantly love--lots and lots of love.
As we left Boss said, "She is the best. She said I can come back any time even without you. When can I come back?" And Caroline added, "Yep just like I said, I'll fall in love with her" and she paused, "but it's all worth it."
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