Beth and Janie--God's Voices

Years ago when we lived in Pittsburgh, the children were very young, and we were doing everything in our power to single handily make sure every doctor at Children's Hospital made enough money to purchase a second home and send scads of children to college, I was often very frustrated about what I could and couldn't commit to doing.  I desperately wanted to be more involved in the ministry of the church and yet time and time again I had to gracefully (maybe not so gracefully) bow out of commitments as I was needed at home.  My very wise friend Janie said to me at the time, "Stop being so hard on yourself. You have many years to give to the church; right now your ministry is at home with the children. Honor that.  Love that--and you also have a ministry in connecting to people.  Your handwritten notes--they are a ministry.  All of ministry doesn't have to be within the walls of the church building.  Minister where you are right now, in your context at your place in life." I was and am very grateful for Janie's kind and caring and immensely wise words--I've even passed them on to other young mothers (footnoting the source of course).

Over the next decade or more I have returned to those words again and again as we made multiple moves, the children grew into adolescents, I entered seminary, graduated from seminary and accepted my first call.  "Honor the ministry where God has placed you in this moment."  As I am in this in between time, I have loved being home--cooking, cleaning, laundry and uninterrupted, unhurried conversations with Chris and the children.  It felt and feels good.  I have worked hard to be a good wife and mother, and it feels natural, comfortable and holy.  We aren't fancy parents, permissive parents, but we are present parents.  Friday night Boss had a friend spend the night.  Clay said to him, "I love your parents.  They are so cool."  Boss, I'm sure seriously considering the mental health of his friend asked, "Why would you say that?"  Clay, "I mean they're just hanging out in front of the fire in their pajamas.  My parents would never do that."

So as I was taking down Christmas decorations I was convincing myself that I shouldn't even entertain doing anything else.  Clearly this conversation between Boss and Clay was a sign; clearly hanging out in front of the fire with a precious two year old and loving it was a sign; clearly enjoying the laundry was a sign.  Oh I was good...I can out rationalize any teenager!  So I continued preparing a speech in my head to deliver to Chris with all my signs.  I was going to convince him that I would stay completely happy, how we could continue to afford 4 tuitions, how I was certain this is what God wanted me to do for the next four years.  I was still working on that conversation in my head when I read a blog post from a friend.

Beth became my friend when we were both in the Diocese of Kentucky. She was the Diocesan Youth Coordinator and I personally provided a slew of youth---she is younger than me, her children are younger than mine, and yet again and again I turned to her for guidance as I met different struggles in parenting.  There are some people who are just born wise; Beth is one of them.  (Beth's Blog)  In her post (which is well worth reading the entire thing and following the blog) Beth quoted a Mary Oliver poem.

the mangroves (by mary oliver)

as i said before, i am living now
in a warm place, surrounded by
mangroves.  mostly i walk beside
them, they discourage entrance.
the black oaks and the pines
of my northern home are in my heart,
even as i hear them whisper, "listen,
we are trees too." okay, i'm trying.  they
certainly put on an endless performance
of leaves.  admiring is easy, but affinity,
that does take some time.  so many
and so leggy and all of them rising as if
attempting to escape this world which, don't
they know it, can't be done.  "are you
trying to fly or what?" i ask, and they
answer back, "we are what we are, you
are what you are, love us if you can."

I immediately began thinking of how I could add this to my signs.  How I could use this to explain to Chris that right now I needed to be with my pines (Georgia pines of course); that the pines were in my heart and soul and I needed to be present only there.  I was even going to use how happy he was being with that two year old!  

But then I continued to read her blog and she wrote, "i'm not sure if it's the connection to trees she experiences that resonates most with me, or the way she seems to long to be present both in the presence of the mangroves and her native oaks and pines."  She explained that motherhood was her pines but that out-of-the work home was her mangroves equally beautiful and worthy, important and meaningful.  And once again Beth's wisdom has nourished me.

I put together the wisdom of both these strong faith filled women and recognize that God is calling me to be present right here right now in the ministry of the home but that doesn't mean God wants me to stay here; it doesn't mean God doesn't want me to venture back into the forest of mangroves. They are not mutually exclusive.  What I now know is not that I have to have that conversation with Chris but rather I need to listen for God's voice and be willing to leave my Georgia pines, to stretch myself when God calls me back into the mangroves.

And now I think I will go write Beth and Janie one of those handwritten notes.