Finding My Lenten Discipline with a Little Help from Boss

I was calmly sitting by the fire, drinking my coffee and blogging when Boss walked in.  "Bring Shawn and Caroline home before you leave for the airport today." I said (notice I did not ask)  "I don't know if I can," he started to say.  "I AM NOT ASKING YOU I AM TELLING YOU!" "Whoa", I should have thought "Where is that anger coming from?" But I didn't because well, it felt good.  It released something in me.  "Mama," he tried to continue, "We have to be at the airport at 4 and it's in Indiana."  "It's a private plane," I spat back, "And you can't leave your truck there it has to come home.  Never mind, you just aren't going.  I'm tired of you telling me what you are and aren't going to do. I'm tired of you coming and going like you own the place; I'm tired of you trying to run the house."  "Where is this coming from?  I don't understand.  Is this just an early morning we're both tired thing?" he tried to calmly ask. I was having none of it. "Go get ready; you're going to be late for school."  (He was very smart and did not point out that it was only 6:30...)

A little bit later (and after I yelled up at him a few times) he came down with his bag packed.  "I told you you weren't going." I said.  "Mama, can we please talk about this.  I don't understand what's going on.  I will bring the kids home; I'm sorry I said I wouldn't and I'm sorry I said it how I did."  He started to walk towards me.  "Just go," I said, "I'll talk to Daddy and let you know."  I turned back to the fire as he left the room and I heard him softly say, "I was just trying to come give you a hug."

I sat...I knew I had totally overreacted, but I didn't care; I didn't want to let my anger go so I tried to think about all the things he had done over the past few days that made me mad.  One, he didn't clean out my car or his room when I told him to--it took him FOUR days.  Check, that is a legitimate reason to be angry. (maybe not a legitimate reason to stay angry...)  Two, he hasn't been home much. Che....oh I wanted to check that off but then I really began to think....he hasn't been home much; he hasn't needed me; he hasn't turned to me to fix things for him.....I started thinking of all the times in the past few days

Friday night they played their arch rivals.  It didn't go well for the team or for him personally.  Chris and I stood in the lobby waiting for him as we always do.  I knew he would come up the stairs, walk over, put his arm around me and kiss the top of my head like he always does.  We waited and waited and waited.  Finally I asked one of his teammates (the same dadblame one he's now in Florida with) where he was.  "He left awhile ago." he responded.  "I'm sure he needed to just get out of here," Chris said probably realizing that I was going to fall apart; I was falling apart on the inside.  So I texted him, "Where are you?"  He immediately responded, "I'm sorry I just had to get out of there.  I'm at M's..." 

He didn't come to me; he went to his girlfriend's (I think I'm allowed to call her that now).  It was the beginning.  I know he's only in high school and there will be other relationships, but this is the first. This is the first time he chose a girl over me.  He didn't come to me for comfort. Never mind that it's good and healthy and normal--it still hurts.

Monday night--same thing.  Team lost; he played well but...I had left early because I was sick.  At half time he even looked in the stands and said, "you can go I know you're sick." but I hate missing his games; I love to watch him play.  Fever over took me and I had to leave.  As soon as I left the gym Chris texted me, "He just hit a 3" I tried to not care that I missed it, but I did care.  I drove home eager for him to get home and tell me about the rest of the game.  Chris came in and I said, "Where's Boss?"  "He's gone out with Case (Florida boy again) and Alec.  I told him he could; he needed to be with them."  

Again he chose someone over me; he's developing his own support system.  Good and healthy and normal--it still hurts.

Tuesday night he came running in from basketball practice freaked out because the store where he was going for a Valentine gift was closed.  He was rushing around and asking what he should do.  I was offering lots of suggestions.  (lots of good suggestions may I please say) "Go to Quest and get a _____ hammock." volunteered John.  (It was some type I don't know about but apparently is totally in right now).  "That's a great idea," Boss said, "She loves to camp and she can use it."  They talked about what to get, what accessories he needed and Boss left.

Soon another row will be blank

He didn't even need my help to choose a gift.  True, John is 23 and much cooler than me, but still I'm his mama... and it hurt.  I sat there and knew I was being ridiculous and beginning to understand this wasn't about anger; it was about grief.  Why didn't I recognize this?  I knew about this; I'd gone through this before ; I'd even blogged about it. (Sweat pants and fuzzy socks)  He was growing up and soon very soon, way too soon, he was going to be gone.  He was learning how to be independent, how to find his own support systems, how to be a man and I was feeling left behind and alone. Anger was a lot easier to deal with than grief....

Bam!  Upside of the head or rather straight into my head I remembered.  The previous night I had been choosing a Lenten devotional and I had read a piece about Jesus' 40 days in the desert and what that meant for us know.  "Jesus took no food, but that he deprived himself of all the normal supports that protected him from feeling, full-force, his vulnerability, dependence, and need to surrender in deeper trust to God the Father."  (God For US,  edited by Greg Pennoyer & Gregory Wolfe)  My support, my way of protecting myself from feeling full force was to substitute my feelings of grief with anger; I could direct that anger straight at Boss.  I didn't want to feel the grief, but in that moment I bowed my head and prayed.  I thanked God for giving us Boss and for helping us to parent him into the strong, loving, caring man he is becoming.  I asked God to protect him and to be with him as he continues into adulthood and to be with me as I learn to let go.  And I knew what my Lenten discipline was going to be--what it had to be.  Somehow I've got to let go and let God take over my life; I've got to put my total trust in God for my next call, for my family, for myself.  I thought I had, now I know I haven't.

I got up, went upstairs and walked into my bathroom and there it was--another dadgum baseball cap just left anywhere he wanted to leave it.  I started trying to get angry as the tears sprang to my eyes.  In another year there wouldn't be baseball caps all over the house (unless I could talk William into starting to wear them--hey that's an idea!).  Remember your prayer I reminded myself.  

I went to lunch with a very dear friend and shared my morning with her.  "Remember," she said, "Sometimes it's easier to be angry to separate.  I've been there; I understand."  She shared her story of when her son left home and how much she missed him.  "OH NO!!!!" the thought popped into my head, "He's going to get on a plane.  What if he dies in a firery crash and I didn't let him hug me!!!!" (There is a theme to my thinking someone is always going to die in a firery crash--it's not healthy; back to the therapist...)  As I left the restaurant I texted him to find out where he was at school and I raced over there.  I went into the art room where he was having lunch with M... he stood up, walked over to me, wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.  "I love you Boss."  "I love you too Mama."

And so it begins--loving and letting go, and fully trusting God.