Sometimes I Make Grammar Mistakes

Yesterday morning Boss stood in the doorway sharing with me a personal story about a good friend.  He was asking about having the friend over and explaining to me, "Him and I have been talking.." I interrupted, "You mean he and I," Boss's eyes glazed over his face fell.   "Never mind," he said as he began to walk away. "I'm sorry," I quickly said hoping I hadn't ruined the moment but recognizing there was a good chance I had, "please finish telling me."  I guess he took my apology because he did finish, but when he left for school my heart hurt.  I had just done to him exactly what had recently been done to me, and the pain and anger that had pulsated through my veins the night before resurfaced, but this time shame was added to the mix.

I had written a post, very emotional hard to write post (Who Cares if You're in a Sorority? ).  It was a post that stirred up deep pain for me on many levels and for many reasons.  I also wasn't sure it wouldn't also stir up pain for SK, and I would rather drive across a bridge with the windows rolled up and the car full of birds (two of my huge phobias) than cause my children pain. And, I made a typo--"Your" instead of "You're".

Not long after posting the blog I received a text from a good friend.  She was outraged someone had called me out on my grammar on facebook instead of sending me a private message.  I went back and looked and yep, it was there.  I admit, at first I wasn't hurt or angry--just numb.  I wish that had lasted, but the emotion that writing had created could not be contained and this pain mixed with that and hit me with an intensity I didn't understand. Added to the already potent concoction of pain was embarrassment and worse shame.  I did know the difference; I had made a mistake; and I was publicly called our for that mistake.  Was correcting my grammar really more important than what I had to say?  I understand that just because I think what I had to say was important doesn't mean it was to others, but what happened to saying nothing? Was correcting my grammar really more important than me?

I was an English major from one of the top English departments in the country.  I know my grammar--I have been accused of being a grammar natzi.  My daughter, who's in the same English department and ten times the student I was, still sends me her papers to edit.  I spend good hard earned money having William tutored in grammar--I get it's important.  But...sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are made in a moment of passionate writing or story telling and sometimes they are made because my typing is not as good as my grammar. Sometimes they might even be made because I don't know.

I do believe the comment to me was in some way meant to be funny--or maybe not.  I deleted it (per the advice of my therapist--yep I was so upset  I texted her).  I can't, however, stop thinking. What if I really didn't know the difference between "you're" and "your"?  What if Boss really didn't know he should say "he and I" instead of "him and I"?  There are people, good people who don't.  I know some of these people, and some are the wisest and the kindest people I have ever met.  Would I really want to correct their grammar?

I believe there is a time and place to correct grammar.  I believe there is a time and place to correct a lot of things.  I believe in rules and following them.  But I also believe in loving people despite their mistakes.  I believe that sometimes our choice of times for corrections seems to glorify rules over relationships.  And I don't believe public humiliation for mistakes is ever the right way to make corrections.  (I also recognize that sometimes disagreement can be interpreted as humiliation and that is not what I am referring to here. Disagreement can be transformative.)

As we head into Holy Week I am reminded that Jesus always placed relationship over rules.  Yes Jesus made corrections (John 8:1-11), but never causing embarrassment or using shame. He also did not say rules weren't important or should be completely ignored (Matthew 5:17), but caring for others, loving others--loving those people others saw as less than, not as smart as, or weak--that is what he did--regardless of the rules.   (Mark 3:1-6; Matthew 12:10)