My Shopping Mask

I've been shopping a lot this summer--reframe that A LOT!  Oh I

haven't been going to the mall or even to my favorite boutiques--but thanks to online shopping and daily emails advertising "best sales ever," I've done my fair share of getting money back into the economy.

Now to be clear, I haven't just been shopping for myself.  I've bought each of the girls quite a few new things as well--one time I bought the boys some shirts (guess I'll be paying for therapy for them...).  When I first started my summer splurge, I convinced myself it was to reward myself and the girls for being back into exercise.  We needed new clothes to fit our new bodies I contended--that worked for awhile.

As I descended deeper and deeper into my shopping (and into my wallet) I justified it by saying, "I haven't been able to spend as much time with them this summer, and while I know buying them

things doesn't make up for it, at least I feel better."  It did make me feel good; it made me happy to see them smile; it stroked my soul to hear them say "thank you." (They are appreciative enablers....) And then the one package that arrived for Chris gave me "permission" to make another purchase--I mean he bought something, couldn't I?  (These junior high kids I am currently camp chaplain to have NOTHING on me when it comes to rationalization.)

And then....then some stupid, meddling, healthy, annoying person gave me this packet of "behaviors" for co-addicts or some other irritating title.  Basically a list of "unhealthy" (yeah what do they know) behaviors that people who are living with or have lived with an addict can find themselves falling into when their lives seem out of control.  Yep, even us co-dependent, enabling, self righteous al anon types can relapse--who would have known?  And we have all these aggravating support people who point it out to us.  (Why do all these therapists and al-anon people have to have so much literature!!!!)

I started reading the list and checking off those things that I was currently doing.  My face started burning and my hands started shaking.  Our of three pages of "activities" I was dabbling in all but 4 or 5.  (I don't know how many there really are because I hightailed to my therapist with list in hand, and guess what we're going to be talking about for the next FOREVER sessions?!?!?!)  One of the things was overspending--I tried to argue with myself, "I've always like clothes."  That's true, but why this summer?  Why right now?  Why to this excess?

This week I have been privileged to again serve as junior high camp chaplain.  We have been talking about hiding behind masks.  We made masks out of plaster gauze (thank you Cindy Sullivan for the idea) and on the inside wrote all the things we were hiding about ourselves. (No one else saw them) On the outside others wrote the qualities they see in us. Some were shocked at what others saw. I stood before these young men and women telling them God loves them no exceptions.  God loves them with their brokenness, their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses and God sees in them goodness and love just like their fellow campers see in them.  And I do believe it to my very core but....

As I was running I began to think about my shopping(seriously, why do I run?!?!?!), and it occurred to me, new clothes, new accessories--these were my masks.  I'd see a picture of a happy, healthy, fashionable person wearing an outfit, and I'd want to be her.  I wanted to look carefree and problem free, insecurity free, vulnerable free (I also like to make up phrases).  I wanted to look like because I wanted to feel like I had it all together, like my life was one big happy perfect world where I was in total control.  That's what I really wanted....

Last night these incredibly courageous youth took off their masks.  They
walked into the labyrinth masks in hand and when they reached the center they left them there.  They took all of themselves--the hidden broken parts and the parts that others saw and they didn't necessarily recognize, and they gave them all to God.  They left them with God where God will bind up their brokenness and wounds and make their whole being holy and good.  And then they walked out with tears streaming down their faces; they huddled on the ground their arms around one another, comforting one another, loving one another, recognizing each others unspoken vulnerabilities and insecurities, but mostly seeing in each other what God sees--holy people created in God's image worthy of love and acceptance despite or maybe because of those hidden parts of ourselves.

This morning I am still shaken by the bravery I saw last night.  I am humbled by the example these young people have been and continue to be for me.  I thought I want to take off my mask, but how?  I can't return all these clothes--some of them have been worn and besides they were mostly bought on final clearance (I'm a thrifty shopping addict).

But I can write this--

What masks do you need to take off?