Annoying Apologies

It has recently become very clear to me that one of the things I'm best at is apologizing; it's also one of the most annoying things about me....

Before I hear, "Not true; the world needs people who take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize." let me clarify.  I'm not particularly good at that kind of apology (although I'm working on it); no, I'm really good at a different kind of apologizing.

You know the kind of apologizing (and these are true examples) that go like this:

Calling a doctor's office:
Me, "I'm really sorry to bother you but my child has a 104 temperature and doesn't seem to be breathing well..."

Calling a friend at 9 o'clock at night and being told their eating dinner: (the time is important--who eats dinner at 9 o'clock at night?!?!? well other than us...)
Me, "I am so sorry.  I am really sorry." Friend, "It's fine just can I call you back?" Me, "I am so sorry, please don't..it's okay; it's nothing.  I am so sorry."

Calling the contractor: (who STILL hasn't completed the job or returned my calls--this one may end my apologizing)
Me to answering machine, "I'm really sorry to continue to bother you, but I'd really like our window treatments hung back up."

And the list goes on including apologizing for global warming, outbreaks of malaria (The most famous when Caroline lost her pinky and I asked for help--the Southern SOS. (Read here)

So why now?  Why is this becoming clear and why am I obsessing over it and what it means?

Recently a new person has come into my life.  She is kind and generous and vulnerable and has an open heart and a mind and soul that is introspective and searching.  She gifts me daily AND SHE APOLOGIZES ALL THE TIME!!!!!  

Over the past few days I have been in hyper apology mode (as has my friend), and one particular person to whom I keep apologizing keeps saying to me, "No apology necessary." And I do believe she means it, just like I do when I tell my friend.  I also suspect she is becoming annoyed--did I mention I'm also a mind reader? Nonetheless, I realize I need to get this habit under control, but I'm not really good at just stopping something, I have to analyze it, understand it, and so I've been thinking (blame the snow days)

First thinking about me--
Why do I do it and what does it mean? My first step in thinking was to consider how being an adult child of an alcoholic plays into this (which I recognize may indeed be a cop out).  (Traits of ACOA) But there is something to it...

I apologize because deep down I am so afraid of offending someone, doing something wrong, over stepping bounds, and ultimately losing a relationship.  There I've said it...and ironically I am afraid I will become annoying to someone by bothering them--instead I become annoying by apologizing...

UGH, there's more--perhaps, just perhaps I don't feel important enough for someone to take the time to interact with me, to spend time with me, to invest physically, emotionally or any other way with me.  I don't want to be a bother...and yet I'm beginning to realize that having to reassure me constantly no apology is necessary is a bother...

And here goes a truth I really don't want to say--this constant apologizing is in some ways manipulative (unknowingly, unintentionally, but still).  It puts the other person in a position of having to care for me, to reassure me instead of allowing the person his/her own voice--instead of allowing the person to decide what he/she wants to share with me, what time they want to invest in me. It could possibly be a passive/aggressive way of saying, "Pay attention to me now" instead of allowing the person to respond on his/her time. It robs us both of our individual personhoods.

We are all created in the image of God.  We are all worthy of time and attention AND we are all allowed to say we don't have the time right now...constant apologizing reinforces feelings of not being worthy and puts unnecessary burdens on others.  It just hit me (literally this very minute as I was typing) that hearing "no apology necessary" may very well be the voice of God reminding us that we are indeed worthy, that we are enough.  Maybe it's time to listen....

Disclaimer: I usually don't blog until I've sorted everything out--until I'm on the other side. I'm not yet.  Thank you for giving me this space to get there...and guess what?  I'm not sorry....