It Was About the Wax Paper

Running gets me in trouble EVERY time!!!

I chose to listen to a podcast instead of music--I needed to slow down my pace so perhaps I could actually finish the run--that would be mistake number 1.

Then I chose to listen to Oprah and Glennon Doyle--that would be mistake number 2. As I was moving into the third mile I heard these words, "Addiction was a place to hide. It was a hiding place. Addiction is a hiding place where sensitive people can go."

"or not writing" I thought, "not writing is where sensitive people go, well maybe not lots of people but me. Not writing that's where I hide." Hiding takes so much energy. Hiding is making me tired. So, I guess it's time for me to come out of the bushes, here goes....

Last week we had the Louisville Episcopal vacation bible school at St. Thomas. The kitchen was full of men and women organizing the food for dinner and the supplies for bread baking (which was our craft for the night). As people arrived some of the same questions were repeatedly asked; questions that usually started with, "Have you thought about..." or "What about...." I thought I responded in a playful way laughing and asking if they trusted me.

That night I couldn't sleep (more so than normal but that's a whole different blog post). I worried about how I had behaved and how it was perceived. I worried I had not been the leader I wanted to be and that I had hurt others. Fortunately the next day was the day our weekly email goes out, so this is what I wrote...

A Message from Just Katherine

I can be pretty sarcastic—some would call it being a smart alec, some would call it something else. I prefer to call it playful BUT sometimes it’s not. Let me clarify—most of the time, if not always, it is my intention to be playful, but sometimes (and probably more than I know) it is not taken in the way I intend it to be. Feelings get hurt, anger is stirred, misunderstandings occur, and relationships are damaged, and the bottom line is it’s my fault, not the receiver’s. Confession—it may have happened last night….. We gathered to prepare for VBS—gathered is an interesting word—more like we randomly arrived as our schedules permitted. With the staggered arrivals, conversations were repeated; some of the same questions were asked; and I was, frankly, a smart alec.  The gist, I guess, was I said something like, “Do y’all not trust me? Do you not think I have thought of these things?” I truly was kidding; I found myself hilarious…(and I do think multiple checks on things is a good idea…) What I didn’t take into consideration was how it was received. Beyond that, my failed attempt at humor negated the hard work and the time so many of you brought last night. People with their own children, new members of the family, people with no children, people who have been to every VBS at the other churches, and people who came for the first time all showed up and worked tirelessly to make certain those who came were greeted warmly, fed well, and experienced the love of God. I want to acknowledge everyone who came last night (but I’m terrified I’ll forget someone); I want to thank you for the ministry you shared with so many others. And I want to both apologize for my words and thank you for ministering to me—giving me much on which to reflect. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” I’m going to substitute the word “sarcastic” for unwholesome and commit this verse to memory. Is there a verse you need to learn? Is there a trait upon which you need to reflect? I read the email after it went out, and I read it again after I received a few messages. And I started thinking about my challenge to everyone to reflect on a trait. And here is now the ugly truth I want to hide behind--it really wasn't about me trying to be playful.  It was about me. It was about how I heard the questions. I didn't hear them as questions coming from a group of people working together to make certain the event was successful, a group of people with checks and balances, a group of people just thinking aloud. I heard accusation and doubt in me. While they were asking the questions last week, I was hearing the words from 1997, "What do you mean you don't have wax paper? How could you not have wax paper? A good kitchen has wax paper." (and these questions went on for 3 days!!!), and I became defensive and scared--worried I had or would make a mistake and then everyone would know I wasn't enough, that I wasn't competent, that I didn't have it as together as I tried to make it seem. Worried that people already thought those things and that's why they were asking.... It was about the wax paper and the many other ways I had been told I wasn't enough. Despite years of therapy, I went back to that place.... Did I still owe people an apology for my sarcastic tone and words? Absolutely, it was wrong, But what I owed to myself was the truth behind my words and actions.  It is only through acknowledging our own truths that we grow; it is only through acknowledging the places where we hide that we can become the people God intended us to be. Guess I'll start writing again. Oh, and I still don't own wax paper.....