Childhood Innocence and the Confederate Flag

Let's just start this with I've been a coward....

I have had these thoughts running through my mind for weeks and haven't wanted to put them down. But this morning while running (and trying to escape a sermon the Holy Spirit wants me to preach that I really don't want to preach), I was listening to Sr. Joan Chittister and I knew I couldn't keep being a coward. For the record, I have no idea what she said that made me realize that...

So here it is...several weeks ago I saw a post on FB from a fellow clergy. I think I probably read it before most other people because I remember thinking, "YES! That's how I feel." But then the comments started coming, and to put it mildly, that's not how most other people either a) read the post or b) felt. So, I cowardly slunk away...

(I have cropped out his name as this is his story and he can own it or not.)

Here's the truth....

I too have been saddened by the NEEDED removal of the confederate flag and the NEEDED removal of confederate monuments. And I have been embarrassed, ashamed and perplexed by my feelings. I am all about respecting the dignity of every human being, treating everyone as equals; I am all about working to dismantling racism, so why would I even for a moment be sad by something that so clearly needed to be done? My colleague's post forced me to look more closely....and I remembered.

I remember sitting in the back of the school bus (the coveted seat-it helped to be the first stop) and

singing at the top of my lungs the theme song to the Dukes of Hazard (along with "my bologna has a first name....sing along people I'm sure you remember the words). I remember sitting at the pool talking to the person (who I can't remember) who knew John Schneider and convincing ourselves he would show up at any moment in the General Lee to hang out with us and play hearts. I remember coveting (yes I know that's breaking one of the 10 commandments) my little brother's General Lee matchbox car. I remember climbing through our car window so I could be just like Daisy Duke. (I also remember I bore NO resemblance to her, but that's another post...)

I remember writing every book report I could all through elementary school on yet another book I had read about General Robert E. Lee mainly because I was horse crazy and I wanted a horse to name Traveller. And I remember puffing myself up in History of Virginia taught by the legendary D. A. Williams (who also taught my father) because the text books we were using were written by our dear family friend Dr. Emory Thomas and I had been to his house!

I recognize this isn't good enough for some; I recognize this may indeed start an avalanche of negative posts on my page; I know even some who have come directly from my body may not understand; but this is my truth.

I am not sad about the flag or the monuments. They have to go for so many reasons but most importantly because they are hurtful and divisive. I am not sad about that, but I am sad about the loss of the innocence of my childhood. I am sad that times I, until now,  have looked back upon as times of carefree childhood laughter and innocence are now gone. I can no longer think of those memories and the people surrounding them without a shroud of darkness.

Did we know better? No Should we have known better? Perhaps. We were just kids growing up in Georgia--loving singing out of tune on the school bus, carefree summer days and reading history. We were just the good ole boys (and girls) never meaning no harm....and now we know how much harm there actually is and was. And for that I am sad--because we didn't know better, because we didn't do better.

But what really makes me sad is knowing because of these symbols times of my happy innocent childhood were built around, there were other children living in my same state, my same community who have no happy innocent childhood memories.

A little bit of my childhood innocence has died, and I pray that out of that death will come resurrection and new life. I'm ready to be a part of that....