"Yep You Probably Did Mess Up Your Kids"

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Which is probably why I'm sitting in front of a fire (that is not starting well--please dear God not another day like yesterday), sitting at my grandmother's desk wrapped in my monogrammed blanket (trying to channel her), drinking coffee, typing on my daughter's computer because mine is dead (it just might be another day like yesterday..), with weary eyes because I didn't sleep well....

Yep, it was that kind of day. The kind of day which despite my best efforts things went wrong. Lots of things went wrong, but most importantly some things involving relationships happened--misunderstandings where I could have possibly hurt others--others I love deeply. It was unintentional, but our conversations were uncomfortable and although we "resolved" things I am still carrying the pain and heart ache with me and hoping the relationships are not damaged even the smallest bit. And the worst part is knowing there is nothing more I can do about it. It is the past....

It's like last week in my therapist's office when I said (after telling her about the weekend seeing my 3 out of state children), "I'm so scared I've done something to damage them. That somehow I've messed up some things." And her response, "Yep you probably have. You probably helicoptered when you shouldn't have--not as much as some" (she clearly didn't want me to fire her on the spot), "but you have to remember all you did, all you do is because you love them and you did and are doing the best you can." (For the record yesterday Caroline ASKED me to helicopter....)

My "messed up" loves

Those words have stayed with me all week, well mainly the part of "yep you probably have" why would I focus on the "because you love them part?" That would be far too easy. And I have resisted (at least up until now) asking each of them, "How did I hurt you? How did I mess you up? What could I have done better?" I have wanted to beg forgiveness and explain everything. (But I suspect that might be one of those things that "messes" them up....) A thought just hit me, I mean right this very real time minute, I will probably learn what those things are as they parent their own children because there are things they will do very differently from me. (SK once told me in a 12 year old tirade, "I wish you'd stop being the mother you wanted and be the mother I want." She has always been wise beyond her years, and I have tried to heed her advice. Sometimes I even succeed....)

So I didn't sleep last night; instead I worried (you can read neurotically if you'd like) about relationships with others and with my children. I took a looooong walk down memory lane cataloging moments in time. Asking myself, "Was this one of those moments which led to.....?" And you know what? It did nothing but make me tired this morning.

At our wedding the words from Colossians 3:12-14 were read, "As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another, and if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." The Rev. Donald Fishbourne gave a homily I have never forgotten especially one particular point. He said, "It's not if you hurt one another but when you hurt one another that these words matter." What he forgot to add was, "and you must also forgive yourselves."

I am also reminded of another story often told by another wise man.  (I really wish I'd remembered at 2 am so I could have slept...) Anyway, my bishop, The Rt. Rev. Terry White talks about the ancient Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. He says it's not that you don't then know the pieces were broken, but they become even more valuable, even more beautiful. He reminds us that is how relationships work. This morning I am clinging to that hope.

I suspect I will continue to beat myself up about theses particular relationships and many others. I will continue to agonize over things I have done although with good intentions, the truth is that is part of who I am. But I will also try to be more gentle and loving with myself.(Chris did say last night after I exploded about everything, "but darling you are doing so much better. If this happened 3 or 4 years ago you would be in a puddle on the floor.") I will try to give myself the grace I give others, and above all I will try to live a life that understands there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. Romans 8:28 tells us, "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God," I believe that includes icky, uncomfortable situations and relationships. I believe that includes the parts of our lives we see as so broken there could not possible be any hope.

I believe it--now I must act on it. Now I must live it.

PS--My fire is now blazing!!!