Taking Over Closets

Sometimes words are said that seem no big deal but they stick with you--maybe even for decades....

When my sister, brother and I left for college I remember hearing my mother say on more than one occasion, "We don't have empty nest at all. I was ready for them to go and let us get on with our lives." (or something to that effect) Now truth be told, I have no idea if she was a) trying to cover up her feelings or b) meant them in a way I as a young adult didn't hear them.

I heard these words as we were replaceable, irrelevant, and in the way. As the years progressed and my own children began to move towards leaving home for college, the words stung even more. I was NOT ready. I couldn't imagine not having a full house--with laughter and even tears. I could not imagine setting the table for less than six, and I certainly didn't know how to cook for 2--we weren't married long enough without children for me to master that skill....and I couldn't imagine ever saying those words.

So SK left first and I was kind of a tyrant about her room. I wouldn't let anyone go in there even though that first year the boys shared a room and we added a foreign exchange student and Caroline's room might be the size of a large walk in closet. I kept it exactly the same...

The second year things got a little more loose. Maybe it was because she was thriving and I loved seeing how happy she was. Maybe I was just getting worn down, but that year I "let" them sleep in there, sometimes--still couldn't move their things into her room or change anything.

Last year two were gone, and I really began to loosen up. I started moving some of my clothes into their closets. (They swear I really haven't given away that much, but I promise I have--bags and bags but I do still have a lot....working on it). I wanted my drawers to not be so cramped and finding things in a stuffed closet was difficult, so all the dresses went into SK's closet and the pants into Boss's. My assortment of purses went into the top of William's closet--really what does he need it for anyway?Keep in mind we live in an old house with small closets--please don't judge!

We have lived in this house for almost 8 years, and in all that time we couldn't park in the garage. Why you ask? Well for many reasons which probably require more therapy, but one large reason was out of season clothes had to be stored there--we have no attic and remember small closets.

I have no idea what got into me, but one Sunday afternoon in early September I decided it was time

to clean out the garage--I was insane throwing boxes and bags and furniture out and taking it to the street for garbage pick-up. Chris would start to utter, "Are you sure?" And I would shriek--"Take it!" He might have been concerned about my mental stability....I don't know what happened, something in me snapped and I was ready to let go of some things I didn't think I would ever let go of. Then I moved the out of season clothes inside which of course  required me to move a little more into their closets...but we could finally park not one but TWO cars in the garage. Victory!!!!

This holiday season the children have noted on more than one occasion my invasion into their space. I wonder if it causes them pain the way my mother's words hurt me? I wonder if they interpret it differently than how I do? I wonder if they know while I like having more space, I miss them so much that sometimes it is a physical pain. And I wonder if they know how incredibly proud I am of their growth--it just happened far too fast for me.

Am I fully ready for empty nest? No. Am I enjoying watching them grow and flourish? Yes. Do I believe they will all four live under the same roof with me again for long periods of time. No. Do I enjoy spending time with Chris alone? Yes. Am I conflicted? Obviously

Regardless of the answer to any of those questions, it's happening. While I still call them my babies (and always will) they are now young adults. And I believe over these past 4 years without knowing it I was easing into it. From no one can be in her room, to occasionally y'all can sleep there if you have to, to okay you can sleep in there whenever you want, to this year me saying on multiple occasions, "Caroline clean up your roomS" Until I really thought about it this month, I didn't even realize the progression.

And my taking over the closets--visual reminder...

Two important things I have learned--or am learning and hoping to remember.

First, words and actions can have unintended consequences. They can be interpreted in ways never intended and others can carry that pain with them. We must be aware and more importantly we must be able to talk about it. We must be able to express our pain and to be able to hear others. And we must be able to apologize...

Second, as we move through life and through our spiritual journeys, sometimes the changes come so slowly we don't even notice them. We don't realize our hearts and minds are moving towards the future in ways that will protect and enhance us. Sometimes learning to accept reality is a long gradual process and we don't notice our inner growth and change. Often it feels that way with God.

Sometimes we feel like our lives are careening out of control towards a future we're not ready for, a future we don't want, and it feels like we are alone,like God is absent. The truth is God is always working in our lives--when we feel his presence and when we don't. It's so tempting to want to rush through painful experiences, to mask them with words and behaviors, to pretend they're not happening, but part of the growth comes from walking through it, even when we don't feel like we're progressing at all, even when our heart still feels like it's breaking. God is with us as we move towards our uncertain futures. Perhaps I'll be more ready when Caroline leaves in August (probably not) but I do know she will be moving into the future God is calling her to and I will continue moving into mine.