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| or life changing, but keep the crown; I really want a crown. |
Caroline and I got here Thursday a week ago before she flew out to help SK move out of her apartment in C'ville. Chris and William flew in Sunday afternoon after their annual trip to New Hampshire (a whole other story). Caroline and SK drove in on Tuesday before Caroline flew to Chicago on Thursday for a music festival, and Boss can't be here at all.
I knew all this going into the week. I was even pleased (you may read overly proud and taking full credit for the close relationship the girls'--well all the siblings--have. Credit that is not mine to take btw but probably helped lead to what happened next...)
Things happened--people were tense from long drives, more rain than we're used to, the calendar closing in on Caroline leaving for her first year of college and SK leaving for her first year out of college which of course means empty nest for us, and William so ready to be back with his buddies in Virginia. There was some snipping, some eye rolling--and the children did some things as well. On or way to dinner there were, what I considered, a few disrespectful and critical comments thrown at me, and I might have lost it. "I am not going to have this," I semi-shouted while trying to keep myself from bursting into tears. Then I promised myself I would not say ONE WORD for the entire dinner. (Y'all can quit laughing...)
I was quiet for awhile--quietly pouting and still trying to keep myself from crying--my throat hurt from trying so hard. At some point during dinner, the mood lightened and we ended up having a decent time. Not perfect--but decent.
The next morning I was running on the beach again trying not to cry. I had been writing in my journal which brought it all back along with some realizations. Mainly, I am not in control. I am not in control of their lives, their relationships, their thoughts, their actions, their ANYTHING! I am not good at being so out of control. As I ran, I remembered writing about a similar less than stellar vacation just last year. (Which is not true but shows my age--I wrote about a less than perfect Christmas in 2016 It Wasn't a Perfect Christmas. It also shows this period of transition started a LOOOONG time ago, and I STILL aren't good at it.)
My feelings had been hurt, but the real truth is I'm feeling sad and confused and also excited and proud. This period of transition is just that transition--transition for all of us. Having four children in 4 1/2 years means everyone seems to go through transition at the same time (well not seems DOES).
The reality is when people go through life transitions, it is "normal" (whatever that means) to be a little self centered, a little inwardly focused, a little sensitive, a little brusque, a little a lot of things--now multiple that by all of us and it's like a freaking pinball machine in our house with all these feelings bumping into each other. Add to that everyone putting on our game day faces and acting like we've got it all together, and you get--well you get what happened.
I have no idea why this thought popped into my head--"we're rearranging the deck chairs." Yep, we're rearranging the deck chairs of our family life, and I'm ignoring reality. I am thinking it's just about rearranging instead of it's about the family changing. And to make matters worse, I realized Chris and I are no in charge of where the deck chairs go or how often they're moved. I'm not sure I like that...
Actually, I am both relieved I no longer have to do it all, and mad as a wet hen I don't get to do it all. I am both ready for the peace of everyone being responsible for the placement of their own chairs and terrified they will put them too close to the edge or even on another deck, AND NOT ASK MY OPINION! I say I am ready to release control while at the same time I am gripping with all my strength the tethers I believe are most important for our family. I would like things to stay the same, and I'm ready for them to change. And I miss Boss.
Basically I'm muddling through--sometimes figuring it out and sometimes totally lost. And realizing maybe this is the new normal for family vacations--people coming and going--people living their lives and gathering as we can.
And it sure would have been helpful for my dear friend (who actually believes I'm a decent mother and has been around from the beginning- so either she's just a really good friend, really stupid, or I've got to work on my self-esteem) to have sent me this podcast LAST week (or five years or ten years ago)! A must for EVERYONE
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