A Lump in My Throat--Not in the Gravy

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I'm bringing part of her with me

I lied. Yesterday I wrote, “I don’t know why I woke up in a funk.” The truth is I do know—but I’ve been so darn busy trying to pretend I didn’t. I haven’t wanted to be one of those mothers—

The truth is… I woke up in a funk because Sarah Katherine isn’t coming home for Thanksgiving. There I said it. She’s not coming home, and I’m in a funk.

I’ve known this for months; I thought I had made peace with it, but the closer it gets to the actual day, the harder it gets.

Let me say a few things. I know this was inevitable. I know there will come a time when more than one won’t be with me on Thanksgiving. I know this is normal and a process and life. I know others have gone through it and survived.

And here’s a few more things. I like, I mean really really like SK’s boyfriend AND his whole dadgum family. They are great people, and they are tons of fun. Problem is they’re going to be having tons of fun with my girl! (Sorry—just had to have a moment of bitterness…now I’ll move on.)

It’s also been hard these past few days because I know how upset the others (particularly Caroline) are too—even though they’ll deny it. I remember well the first year my sister wasn’t with us. I hated it!! And I’ll admit I wasn’t particularly kind about it, in fact, I was one big ole brat! (she says she doesn’t remember which is a good thing). But I remember. I remember being so sad, so scared everything was going to change, so angry—and so I acted sooooo childish. I acted like I didn’t care; I barely spoke to her when she called. Basically I threw a good old fashion pity party and I was the guest of honor. I ignored the fact it might be hard for her too.

So I’m trying to balance all of their emotions—some might say I’m trying to control their emotions—those people are not invited to Thanksgiving!

The other night I confessed to Chris I was having a hard time because I couldn’t admit how I was feeling because I wanted to be strong for the children. I didn’t want then to think they had to take care of me and my emotional needs (a whole other post for a whole other time). I didn’t want SK to feel guilty or pulled between two families. He looked at me quizzically (which is code for he looked at me like I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs) and said, “I think that’s a terrible idea.” I ignored him, and the fact he might be sad too; I ignored it and yesterday I lied.

So here’s the truth. It stinks and it’s beautiful. I’m going to miss SK desperately that stinks. I am also so proud of and awestruck by the young woman she has grown into and the love she shares with others and will share with others this Thanksgiving; that is beautiful.

There are so many jokes, memes, movies about family Thanksgivings and the family explosions that can and do happen. I wonder, what would happen if we all just admitted we are going into the holidays with a mix of emotions. Love, fear, sadness, pain, anger, insecurities, successes, failures and everything in between. We are grateful for those with us and we miss those who for whatever reason aren’t. We are looking forward to seeing family and friends and we are nervous they aren’t looking forward to seeing us. We are glad we’ll again celebrate with family traditions that root us and we are excited and maybe just a little resentful (suspicious) about the ones we will add. Maybe acknowledging, admitting and articulating our feelings is just what we all need. 

So I’ll start. We’re driving to Southwest Virginia to spend Thanksgiving with my daddy and bonus mama. I’m so excited; I’m looking forward to being relaxed and with those who love me unconditionally. I’m looking forward to unplugging and maybe even being babied a little. And I can’t get rid of this lump in my throat (there won’t, however, be a lump in the gravy because Bonus Mama and I refuse to make it…). It hasn’t helped Taylor Swift has come on twice since we started the drive singing songs from SK’s middle school days and songs SK sings beautifully. (If the Dixie Chicks come on I’m done for).

I can and will hold emotions in tension over the next few days—happiness and sadness; comfort and grief. It will be a different holiday this year—it’s the end of one era and the beginning of another. And it’s okay.

I think.

Today was One of Those Days

I don't know why I woke up in a funk this morning. I'll just chalk it up to I'm tired and I'm cold. Well I guess you could throw in there I am desperately trying to get all my work for the week done by the end of today so I can check out Wednesday - Friday and just be with family.

Anyway, I woke up early and cold. As I was in the shower I thought, "I've got to wear something comfortable today because it's going to be a long day--comfortable and warm." In my head I even recognized the childish voice that went along with a stamped foot, "I'm not going to wear my collar today. So there!" I figured  I would change my mind as I was getting dressed; I always wear my collar on works days--particularly days when I have a service--like this morning's 7 am Eucharist. But the petulant child in me dug my heels in as if to say to the world, "I will defeat this day! No one can boss
me around!”(and yes I really do have these conversations in my head)

So I got dressed without my collar--I didn't even wear black. (And people say I'm a compulsive rule follower...look at me now--quite the rebel! Please don't tell my Bishop.)

I arrived and began to, along with my faithful regulars, set up. I was in the sacristy when one of the parishioners whispered, "There's a couple here who none of us recognize." "Oh great," I moaned to myself, well maybe also aloud, "the day I don't wear my collar."

I came out of the sacristy as the couple was moving into the chapel. "Do you recognize me?" the lady asked. "Yes," I responded knowing I did recognize her but also desperately trying to place her. She continued, "Sandy told us last night about the service this morning." "Sandy?" I stammered, "Sandy who?" "Sandy Apple." she calmly said, although I think at this point she wanted to be anywhere but here.

I was HORRIFIED! I have known this woman for 25 years! On the way to work this morning I had started composing a letter to her. It all came rushing back to me--last night I had texted Sandy (whom I have known for 26 years WELL Her children are our GODCHILDREN!!!), anyway I texted her I was going to say the mass with intention for her sister Lisa who died six months ago today. I adored Lisa, and although I clearly don't recognize them, I adore this family. I didn't have time at that point to profusely apologize...I am still deeply distressed I did that, but I also believe in grace (keep reminding me of that).

We gathered in the chapel in a circle as we always do. I introduced everyone and explained how they had heard about the service and who they were. Following the readings, instead of a sermon, we always discuss whatever comes to our minds. I would try to recreate the conversation but I can't. What I can say is it was beautiful, and it was holy. The readings, particularly the Gospel reading, had themes of Lisa's life--vulnerability, openness, acceptance, unconditional, sacrificial love.

As we began the Prayers of the People we were joined by another person. I didn't recognize him either (but I was taking no chances). I walked down to greet him. "Hello my name is Kevin," he said, "On the web I saw you had a 7 am Eucharist." "Join us," I said as I led him to the chapel. Janet, a regular who I did recognize, led the prayers of the people and when we got to the prayers for the departed she remembered not only to name Lisa but she said her full name---Carmen Lisa--it had been said briefly during introductions and yet she remembered. I was deeply touched.

Following the prayers we gathered around the altar for the Eucharist. I said, "I offer this Eucharist for the life of Carmen Lisa Soler who now resides with the communion of saints who have gone before." And then I began to cry. I subtly wept throughout the Eucharist. (Well, I think it was subtle)

After the service we learned Kevin's story. Bill, a recognized (I really can't get past this) regular, and I talked to Kevin for a long while and then did what we could to help him. He needed someone to listen to him, to believe him, and to comfort him. Bill took him where he needed to go.

I did wear a stole

After everyone left I went back to the chapel and sat in the quiet. I had just been transformed. I had just experienced salvation. Kathleen Norris, in Amazing Grace, writes this about salvation," "It seems right to me that in so many instances in both the Hebrew scriptures and the gospels salvation is described in physical terms, in terms of the here and now, because I believe that this is how most of us first experience it. Only later do the more spiritual implications of salvation begin to make themselves known."

And sometimes on mornings when we're grumpy and rebellious and embarrassed and "off our game", we have to go back to the beginning. Sometimes we need to participate in the physicality of salvation in the here and now, among strangers who are brought together for different reasons and with different needs. Sometimes that is the most powerful salvation there is.

Today was one of those days.