A Lump in My Throat--Not in the Gravy

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I'm bringing part of her with me

I lied. Yesterday I wrote, “I don’t know why I woke up in a funk.” The truth is I do know—but I’ve been so darn busy trying to pretend I didn’t. I haven’t wanted to be one of those mothers—

The truth is… I woke up in a funk because Sarah Katherine isn’t coming home for Thanksgiving. There I said it. She’s not coming home, and I’m in a funk.

I’ve known this for months; I thought I had made peace with it, but the closer it gets to the actual day, the harder it gets.

Let me say a few things. I know this was inevitable. I know there will come a time when more than one won’t be with me on Thanksgiving. I know this is normal and a process and life. I know others have gone through it and survived.

And here’s a few more things. I like, I mean really really like SK’s boyfriend AND his whole dadgum family. They are great people, and they are tons of fun. Problem is they’re going to be having tons of fun with my girl! (Sorry—just had to have a moment of bitterness…now I’ll move on.)

It’s also been hard these past few days because I know how upset the others (particularly Caroline) are too—even though they’ll deny it. I remember well the first year my sister wasn’t with us. I hated it!! And I’ll admit I wasn’t particularly kind about it, in fact, I was one big ole brat! (she says she doesn’t remember which is a good thing). But I remember. I remember being so sad, so scared everything was going to change, so angry—and so I acted sooooo childish. I acted like I didn’t care; I barely spoke to her when she called. Basically I threw a good old fashion pity party and I was the guest of honor. I ignored the fact it might be hard for her too.

So I’m trying to balance all of their emotions—some might say I’m trying to control their emotions—those people are not invited to Thanksgiving!

The other night I confessed to Chris I was having a hard time because I couldn’t admit how I was feeling because I wanted to be strong for the children. I didn’t want then to think they had to take care of me and my emotional needs (a whole other post for a whole other time). I didn’t want SK to feel guilty or pulled between two families. He looked at me quizzically (which is code for he looked at me like I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs) and said, “I think that’s a terrible idea.” I ignored him, and the fact he might be sad too; I ignored it and yesterday I lied.

So here’s the truth. It stinks and it’s beautiful. I’m going to miss SK desperately that stinks. I am also so proud of and awestruck by the young woman she has grown into and the love she shares with others and will share with others this Thanksgiving; that is beautiful.

There are so many jokes, memes, movies about family Thanksgivings and the family explosions that can and do happen. I wonder, what would happen if we all just admitted we are going into the holidays with a mix of emotions. Love, fear, sadness, pain, anger, insecurities, successes, failures and everything in between. We are grateful for those with us and we miss those who for whatever reason aren’t. We are looking forward to seeing family and friends and we are nervous they aren’t looking forward to seeing us. We are glad we’ll again celebrate with family traditions that root us and we are excited and maybe just a little resentful (suspicious) about the ones we will add. Maybe acknowledging, admitting and articulating our feelings is just what we all need. 

So I’ll start. We’re driving to Southwest Virginia to spend Thanksgiving with my daddy and bonus mama. I’m so excited; I’m looking forward to being relaxed and with those who love me unconditionally. I’m looking forward to unplugging and maybe even being babied a little. And I can’t get rid of this lump in my throat (there won’t, however, be a lump in the gravy because Bonus Mama and I refuse to make it…). It hasn’t helped Taylor Swift has come on twice since we started the drive singing songs from SK’s middle school days and songs SK sings beautifully. (If the Dixie Chicks come on I’m done for).

I can and will hold emotions in tension over the next few days—happiness and sadness; comfort and grief. It will be a different holiday this year—it’s the end of one era and the beginning of another. And it’s okay.

I think.