Living in Peaceful, Hopeful Exile

When Chris and I first met, he was teaching and coaching middle

Yes, this was at our engagement party
Thank you Meredith for saving this!

and high school, and I was finishing my graduate work in psychology. We dated for five months and during those five months I regularly said, "We are not serious. When I am finished graduate school I am moving out of Augusta. I am moving to DC." Then we got engaged. (We like to say we dated for six months before we got engaged. Not sure why but it seemed to sound better...but now I get stuck on that "Thou shalt not lie" thing, so yeah after five months we got engaged.)

My plans changed.....

And we began planning our life.

We were just idealistic enough to believe we could actually plan our happily ever after, but also just smart enough to know there might be a few changes. Our future was going to be Chris moving up through the ranks of independent school life to become a headmaster, and I would serve as the school's psychologist. We left open for discussion whether it would be for a day school or a boarding school--oh we thought we were so smart!

We also dreamed of running a camp one day. Chris had served as a camp director and we both grew up going to and loving camp and the communities they built. We weren't sure whether we would figure out a way to do it during summers while we still worked in schools during the school year, or whether we would wait until retirement, but we knew this was a passion we both had; we both felt like our lives had been transformed because of our camp experiences, and we wanted to be a part of that for the future.

Rehearsal Dinner

I'm not sure what all Chris had as actual pictures in his head, but I dreamed of our young children skipping merrily through fields of flowers that bordered the soccer fields where Chris would coach team after team to become state champions. I would be the loving, doting wife, sitting in the stands and engaging with my students. We did lean at times towards the boarding schools as then our housing would be paid--remember we were just smart enough--we knew the salaries we would be making were not going to be huge. It was a beautiful dream--the children were always sparkling clean as they frolicked...clearly a dream.

And then we got married, and then 20 months later Sarah Katherine was born, and then six weeks later I woke Chris up to tell him I didn't want to go back to work....

For years our once well thought out plans changed and changed and changed. We had been "smart enough" to consider a few changes, this was a freaking avalanche. We moved five times and lived in four states and two countries. Chris earned a MBA and was working in marketing; I went to seminary and was ordained (who saw that coming?). Sarah Katherine was rapidly joined by three siblings, Christopher, William and Caroline. While we did take long pub walks, sometimes even through fields, I'm pretty sure there was no skipping, and I'm positive they got dirty.

We continued to adjust our life plan--who are we kidding? Our well thought out plan ended that night I said I didn't want to go back to work...

One "plan" that was still talked about was the plan to own a camp one day--now we realized we would have to wait until we retired--guess those advanced degrees helped us get smarter! Over the years the children also fell in love with camps and camp communities. My new vivid dream was full of my grandchildren returning summer after summer to Coach and _____'s summer camp. (Years ago the children decided Chris's name as a grandfather would be "Coach"--there's no agreement for me yet--I keep mentioning "Queenie" would be good...) I did realize they wouldn't be sparkling clean, but I still pictured skipping--it's a dream ya'll!!!

Recently I've been having lengthy arguments with God about life and my plans. I'll be honest, my plan was to be closer than 9 hours to the water. My plan was to work less and travel more. My plan might also include children and grandchildren frolicking on the beach in matching monogrammed bathing suits...God, however, says to me, "For surely, I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Guess what? That's not all God says. God also says, "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare, you will find your welfare." (Jeremiah 29:7) In this city where I have lived for 11 years and that only sometimes feels like home, I have found my welfare. I have found friends and family; I have found a deeper love for my husband and a community for our family, and I have found a calling that brings me great joy and that I believe God is still calling me to, but y'all I'm just going to tell you, being this far from the water--total exile!

Anyone else ever have this happen? You give into God, lay down your own ego, your personal ambitions, and you feel a deep sense of peace and calm, but there are still jagged spots of longing and maybe even a little grief? I hope you haven't, but I suspect some of you have.

A week ago Chris and I were at the All Saints Camp and Conference Center board retreat. He is the newly appointed board chair, and I serve ex-officio as the coordinator for youth and young events many of which happen at All Saints. I've never seen him in a work environment (well minus that time we owned Sylvan together and he fired me TWICE) and I was truly amazed. He is gifted as a leader and a marketer. He is engaging, positive, and collaborative. Because of his leadership and the entire All Saints board, I have great hope for the future of All Saints. But as I sat there watching him I realized something else--it almost seemed as plain as the nose on my face---that plan to own a camp--yeah that hasn't and may never happen, but we are working on and with a camp. We are living our dream to be a part of transforming lives through God and community building and to do it together. That plan didn't die, it changed, and God was and is surely in charge of it all. I was just so blinded by my own plan.

I'm not sure I consider myself any smarter than I was all those years ago as we planned our life together, but I am certainly a tad bit wiser--wise enough to never say never. For now, I'll build a home, plant gardens, and continue to flourish--as for the rest, God's in charge.