You're Not Supposed to Still Fit into Your Wedding Dress

My wedding day was not the best day of my life.

Well, now that I have your attention...here's another truth. After years of marriage, you're not supposed to be able to still fit into your wedding dress.

Okay, so now the story.

Two days ago I put on my wedding dress, and yes, it still fit after 27 years. (And because I promise to always be honest, I was shallowly proud of that.) After putting on the dress, my husband and I took a walk around the neighborhood, and no, it was not our anniversary as several people asked. I made dinner in my dress, and I sat by our fire pit in my dress while my husband grilled. I don't know why I did all that. It just seemed like a good thing to do 5 weeks into quarantine. It made people smile; that was worth it.

So what about my above truths?

The girl who wore that dress 27 years ago as I walked down the aisle would NEVER have done something so silly as to wear an outrageous outfit and walk around a neighborhood just because. That girl was so worried about what people thought about her--even on her wedding day. Here's something I've never told anyone, there was a moment at my reception when I thought to myself, "I wonder if these people here really like me or if they just wanted to come to a good party?" (And for the record it was a great party...) I was insecure and had a very negative view of myself. I had no idea why this wonderful man wanted to marry me, but I never doubted his love for me.

I could go on and on with examples of how I'm different now than I was then, but a) that would bore you to death and b) it would require extra therapy sessions, and that's nearly impossible to fit in right now because of all these zoom calls I continually commit to. So just suffice it to say I'm different, and more importantly, I'm more comfortable with who I am--my strengths and my weaknesses. (I was going to leave the word "more" out--but I'm also a priest and honesty is important well really for everyone, not just priests, so to be honest--"more" not "totally" is the way to read it. Totally may never come, or maybe it will. Who knows?)

This is what I think is essential. The man who waited for me at the end of the aisle 27 years ago, two

days ago, walked around the neighborhood with me wearing a wedding dress. I can't imagine he ever dreamed he would do that. He has been by my side as I have grown and changed, and I have been by his. Our love for one another, for our family and for God, and our commitment to supporting one another as we have grown and are continuing to grow into the people God created us to be has sustained us. On that day, we were joined together through the bond and covenant of marriage established by God in creation. We promised to love, comfort, honor, and keep one another in sickness and in health forsaking all others. I think, for me, part of "forsaking others" meant letting go of what others thought and allowing that to dictate how I lived. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it's still evolving, but it's so so so much better. Over our 27 years, as we learned to love each other more deeply, we have had some of the most wonderful days of our lives, and we have also weathered some of the most challenging, heartbreaking days. We have done it together.

Neither of us is the exact same person we were on our wedding day, and we're not supposed to be.

I have grown. I have released so many of the "shoulds" and expectations that bound me, and I have been able to do it because Chris has loved me and accepted me and encouraged me. I'm not supposed to fit into that "dress" anymore.

I was over the moon, happy walking down the aisle 27 years ago. Sitting by the firepit Saturday night, listening to music, seeing our grown children interacting through the windows, and talking, well, 27 years ago, I had no idea there could be this much happiness.