I can be too much for people. I know it; I get it; I've said it here before. And, I'm probably not going to change it. Why? Because changing it almost killed my soul.
I've been told about my too big personality quite a few times starting early in life. But what no one told me was how to temper it. What I never learned was when to dial it back (some will say I still haven't learned that!) And I didn't learn that it was okay for not everyone to like me and I didn't have to change who I was--
Towards the end of 7th grade, a friend took me aside and told me, "People are really not liking you anymore because you are conceited. We don't want to be friends with you anymore." An example she gave was when another friend was correcting my spelling/vocabulary test and I said, "It's okay if I get one wrong, I know I got the bonus." I didn't challenge the conversation. I assumed I indeed was a flawed person that didn't deserve to have friends.
What no one knew then was while I might have come across as conceited, I was really a very scared insecure little girl (not unlike many 7th grade girls). A very scared insecure little girl that just lost almost all her friends. (I've also just got to say, I feel for that young girl too. I mean she definitely drew the short straw on being the one who had to have that conversation!)
Now whether this is true or not, I believed being popular was very important to my mother. So I didn't tell her about what happened. I didn't want her to know I was now sitting by myself in the cafeteria and was no longer invited to the big slumber parties. I wonder if I had if she would have helped me figure it out? I'll never know. Instead, I wound up in the hospital with an eating disorder which we also did not talk about--to a 7th-grade girl that was further proof there was something very wrong with me. I drew myself in, watched people more intently, and tried to figure out how to fit in.
We moved right before my 10th-grade year. After saying I wanted to go down early and try out for cheerleading, I changed my mind. My mother had worked hard to find someone to help me. I was not honest with my mother that I was terrified and sad and lonely. So I just said, "I don't want to and I'm not." She told me she was embarrassed and disappointed in me.
Before we get all morose let's be honest. There are probably many many young teenage girls who felt the same way. Most of us really were faking it until we made it. We were all trying on identities and figuring out who we were. Some of us left that insecurity back in high school or college--for some of us it took a few more years....
{Let me also have a little aside her to say there were some people I was completely my goofy over the top self with right from the beginning--maybe not always in public--for the most part Chris knew who he was marrying! And he helped me over and over to be who I am called to be--and yes, sometimes it even gets to be too much for him. Progress not perfection, right?}
Here's where I'm going with this sad depressing story---I could draw out my life and easily mark key incidents where I just accepted others views of me as not good enough and there are also key incidents when I let go of some insecurity and really started living into the loud, over the top, has no filter, slightly inappropriate person God created. Maybe someday I will share that timeline...probably not. (See?!?!?! I do have a filter!!!)
I've been talking on video a lot about parenting. I've made a lot of mistakes. And I've had some wins. I hope the mommy that spent hours worrying about what they were going to wear and whether we belonged to the "right" things is not the mommy they most remember. I suspect they remember parts of that. I KNOW they remember and are still at times horrified and even irritated (okay flat out pissed off) at some of my antics. Sometimes I will dial it back at their request (and because it's the right thing to do), but sometimes I don't. What I hope is that even when they are madder than a wet hen on a hot summer day, they see a person who is true to her values and herself. A person who doesn't let others define her or tell her she's not good enough. I hope they no longer see the woman who became a pretzel trying to twist and turn into being who she believed (or was told) others wanted her to be.
The truth is I learned that from them.
A public thank you--maybe it'll save me a dollar or two in therapy...
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