I've been thinking a lot about Judas this week, and no it's not because someone has Judased me. (Like how I just made up that word? I think it's going to make it into my daily--or at
I keep thinking about how I've heard Judas described, "the betrayer," "the one who sent Jesus to the cross," or "the one who told the Romans where Jesus was." But here's the thing, I can't make that all make sense. I mean, it wasn't like Jesus was hiding. He wasn't playing hide and seek with the authorities. If anyone wanted to find Jesus, all they had to do was show up where the hurting, the vulnerable, the broken, the untouchables, the least of these were. He wasn't wearing disguises. For pete's sake, just a few days ago Jesus rode right into Jerusalem on a donkey, and a few days later he was in the temple right out there for all to see.
I'll be honest, I really have no idea why the chief priests would give Judas 30 pieces of silver. Pretty sure I don't want them managing my money if that's how they spend theirs (and it's not like I'm frugal--just ask my husband!). I do, however, have some thoughts on why Judas took the money, and I don't believe it's because he didn't love Jesus.
Jesus' earthly ministry is coming to an end. It's pretty clear to everyone he has ticked off enough people that this is not going to end well. (Well, we now know it actually does end very well, but we're not yet to Easter Sunday, so stay tuned.) Judas didn't know what we know. He didn't know about the resurrection. I think Judas was terrified. Everyone knew who Jesus was, so I think we can safely assume, they would also know who his 12 disciples and closest friends, were. And Jesus had already told them he wasn't going to be around much longer. Judas could have been thinking, "If Jesus isn't around anymore, they'll go after the next best thing, and that would be us 12!"
I think Judas was trying to align himself with who he believed would "win". Judas had been traveling with Jesus for three years. He had heard Jesus preaching. He had seen Jesus heal. Despite what he had witnessed, and I think did believe, fear won out. Judas lost trust in Jesus and in the Kingdom Jesus proclaimed and put his trust in the world as he knew it.
How do we do that? In our Baptismal promises, we promise to respect the dignity of every human being, to seek and serve Christ in one another, but are there times we ignore those promises out of fear of what it will cost us? What it will cost us literally in dollars and cents or cost us in reputation, power or privilege?
This morning as I was running, and frankly feeling sad and a little lost, it's been a long time since I've been "free" during Holy Week, I realized I dance with Judas more than I'd like. I say I put all my trust in God, but then I find myself, well I like to say it's, "giving God suggestions or a little help." The thing is it's not always big and bold--you know like Judas--not always obvious to everyone, but deep in my heart I know. I started thinking of examples from the past--let's think about the past so I can pretend I don't still do it, but I do.
Chris and I moved to Boys Home because we truly believe this is where God has called us to be. We said yes knowing it was unclear what it would mean for me and my vocation. Most days ("most" may be a slight exaggeration) I thrust God will show me where God wants me to be and what God wants me to do. I'm not great at the patience part. I'm also better at it than I was a few years ago. Just ask my therapist! But back to the not so great at its part. There are some days when I find myself trying to force something, trying to make pieces fall into place that definitely don't. You know like those shape puzzle cubes from childhood. (How many children really can get them all?!?!?!)
Living into the Kingdom of God that is both here and not yet is hard. Trusting God is in control when the world seems so out of control is hard. It's hard for us and we know the rest of the story. Today, I have a little more compassion for Judas.
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