Recovery Takes A Lot of Work

Chris and I don't fight a lot. It's the truth and not a statement about a perfect marriage (it's not). We just don't. We fuss; we disagree; we get annoyed, but we really have very few fights. And this is not because we agree on everything, we don't. 

One of us is a morning person, one of us is not. One of us loves to bike, one of us doesn't. One of us is reserved, one of us is not. And there's more...

We don't manage money the same. We don't even parent the same. Yes, it's true, and all you parenting "experts" are lying--yes I said it, lying if you say all parents, or even most parents do. Just because we don't parent the same way doesn't mean we don't have the same end goal in mind, we just go about it differently. We just don't have those big fights some couples have (no judgment). Partly I think it's because we just get each other and are honest even when the other doesn't want to hear it. For example, last night when I was telling him about a text exchange I was in and what I did and then said, "Do you think I was kind of being bratty and a baby?" and he said, "Yes. You were." And that is a whole other story I'm not ready to share because I'm still being bratty and a baby because my feelings are hurt. So I guess that's another way we are different, I get my feelings hurt SUPER easily--Chris might say irrationally easily, but he doesn't because that would lead to a fight...

Sometimes, however, we do fight--like last night. It was a doozy of a fight that resulted in our watching the second half of the Georgia game in separate rooms (maybe that was the silver lining...it was brutal!). Here's the truth (and the spoiler alert), on the surface last night's "fight" looks like it does stem from money and parenting, but looks can be deceiving...follow along.

Several weeks ago Boss lost his AirPods. I searched the cars; he searched the cars; I searched the cars again; he searched the cars again--no luck. He didn't blame anyone. He didn't try to "borrow" anyone else's And those two statements are what led me (or I pretend led me) to do what I did.

Boss and I are similar in our ways to release stress. We both like to run. He also listens to a lot of music. The semester was starting again, I knew he was under stress; I didn't want him to be under stress,  and so I went and bought him a new pair. Remember, he didn't ask me to or even throw a flinging fit of any sort--remember that is what I now realize was my rationalization. Anyway, I bought the AirPods and took them to him. I knew he was at the gym. What you should probably know is I did not discuss this with Chris...

I walked in the gym and over to his treadmill where he was running-- fast (we don't run at the same pace to relieve stress) with a pair of headphones in, but they were the cord kind--so old school. I handed him the box of brand new AirPods. To his credit (I can't remember if I told Chris this) he tried not to take them. "You didn't have to do that Mama," he said, "I was going to ask for them for Christmas, and I'm still not convinced I won't find mine." I started walking away with a wave of the hand. "Just use them, and if you find yours we'll give these to Daddy." I'm not going to lie--I liked being "the hero."    

Truth is I have always tried to "fix" things for our children. I haven't wanted them to suffer or be uncomfortable. Really isn't that true for most parents? The other thing that is true is good parenting requires sometimes being uncomfortable yourself and watching your kids struggle because that is how they grow. There may have been (read there definitely have been) a few times I gave in to my own discomfort at seeing them hurt or angry or uncomfortable and rushed in to fix things-see those parenting differences from above...

So here's where it starts getting a little sketchy...

As I pulled out of the parking lot after delivering the brand new in the box AirPods and headed to lunch with my friend (who also deals with addiction in her family) I thought some form of the thought "if he's tempted to use again, he'll remember this and he won't because he'll know how much I love him and that I would do anything for him, and he'll feel guilty if he even thinks about it, and he'll not do it, and now I can sleep at night knowing I'm in control and have fixed it for him." It wasn't exactly that, but it was close enough and also fully manipulative, controlling (or attempting to be controlling), and most importantly unhealthy. But I just ignored that little pesky voice that tries to be a voice of health and reason (and financial security).

Do you see where this is going?

That very afternoon I got a text from Boss...you are right--he found his AirPods. The new AirPods had already been opened. And why last night I decided to come clean with Chris I have NO. FREAKING. IDEA. But I did. And he was mad, and he doesn't want the AirPods, and he was mad, and he was right. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to type that sentence and will be even harder for me to say...)

I didn't tell Chris before, because he would have told me not to, and I didn't want to fight about it, or have him tell me not to and then go behind his back, so I just went behind his back to begin with--it made perfect sense to me--at the time. The other thing I know, and this might be even harder, is that I have a long way to go in my own recovery.

If I'm being completely honest with myself and not just trying to put lipstick on a pig, I was totally using those AirPods as a way to calm my anxiety over my inability to control whether or not Boss chooses to drink or use drugs again. I was trying to manage his life--keep all stress out of it because I believed, or wanted to believe, that would keep him in recovery. That's neither healthy nor fair.

It's not fair to Chris, and it's not fair to Boss. It is not allowing him to make his own choices or trusting in him to make good ones. It is not honoring his dignity and worth. It is not honoring his personhood. It was and is wrong. 

So what I now have to admit is I have a long way to go with my own recovery, and I have an apology to make. Anyone need some barely used AirPods?

Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

                                            Reinhold Niebuhr

        

That Darn Holy Spirit

I was all set to write a really fun Thursday letter today. I was going to tell y’all all about Cousins and Sibling Weekend and how much fun we had and how much fun we are. (Just ask us and we’ll tell you—we are SUPER fun!) But the Holy Spirit seemed to have other ideas…

I didn’t like her ideas so I went running. Guess what? You can’t outrun the Holy Spirit.

Here’s the thing. I am one of those people who remember things vividly. Dates, times, places, what people were wearing, what music was playing, sounds, the whole nine yards. It is both a blessing and a curse. I get to relive in my mind some of the most wonderful memories, and I “get” to re-experience things I would rather bury deep deep down. Oh, and it also settles physically in my body—great fun! (said very sarcastically)

I ran; I argued; the Holy Spirit won. Reluctantly, here’s what She says I need to write.

Many of you know about our family’s journey with addiction and recovery. I am pretty transparent about most things, including this, but I can also say, very few people (possibly none) know all the details of what can only be described as the nightmare we lived for 5 years. We, I, pretended and pretended pretty well. Compartmentalizing became such a part of my life, I had to redecorate all the rooms over and over. Some of the stories I may never share. Unfortunately, I have the pleasure of remembering them in vivid detail. Sometimes I know the memories are coming…it’s like standing on a train track, knowing the train is coming and being frozen. You know it’s going to hit you, so you just brace yourself and get ready for the impact.  Today was one of those days.

July 16, 2019,  I was serving as chaplain for Junior High camp. Beginning at around 4 pm, I started receiving multiple calls from my son as well as other people. Things were falling apart in Louisville faster than a 14 story jenga puzzle. I was in Leitchfield, Ky trying to be present to the staff and campers while at the same time feeling like I was descending into hell. I snuck away to make and answer phone calls. Around 7:30 pm, while the campers and staff were getting ready for messy games, I was hiding in a building talking to my son. When we hung up, I knew with 100% certainty there was a very real possibility it might be the last conversation I had with him for a very long time, possibly forever. I felt both strong and resolute, and also completely broken. My heart was shattering into thousands of pieces, but I had to go outside. I had to be present for those to whom I was ministering, and I had to be strong for The Babies who were there on staff. And let’s be honest, I had to find a way to distract myself.

 

I walked out of the building, looked across the field, and saw a teensy tiny rainbow. I took a picture and posted it on FaceBook. This morning scrolling through my FaceBook memories I saw it, and I gave thanks to God for being present with me through those five years, on that night, and today. I gave thanks for my son who is still sleeping upstairs in our home. I remembered holding onto the smallest shred of hope. And I realized, again God is so much bigger and more powerful than we are. And it again gave me hope.

It gave me hope not just for my son, me, and our family. It gave me hope because it reminded me that God is ALWAYS present. God is present in this pandemic; God is present in this political divisiveness; God is present in the protests; God is present in hospitals; God is present in our homes full of isolation and pain; God is present in our joys and in our heartbreaks. God is present. Our faith, our faith which is defined as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) is what we can cling to as we navigate the days, weeks, and months ahead.

That phone call could very well have been the last with my son, and I know there are many people who have had that last phone call with a loved one, and it truly was the last. I can’t answer the why of that, but I know with all my heart, God is present in all of it.

I kept scrolling through FaceBook memories and saw that on this day 8 years ago, the Junior High campers and staff gave me the name Mama Doyle. My son was at camp that week…coincidence? Hmmm….