Doubting Faith

Faith is so easy to have when the times are good. It's so easy to have when you look back on the scary bad times and see God's hand in everything that happened. And faith is so hard in the dark of the night, waiting for the morning to come when there will either be good news (back to the easy faith) or bad news--when you need faith the most.

I have spent the last several hours remembering times when God has worked miracles in my life and in the life of my family. I have revisited bible stories of people whose faith was so strong that they seemed to easily say to themselves, "it's in God's hand and whatever He has planned is going to be good even if it means losing my life." And I want to have that faith--I desperately want to have that faith, but right now when I need it the most I am totally and completely afraid. I'm repeating scripture to myself and trying to convince myself that God is my rock and my protector. I'm trying but I'm also saying to myself I don't want this to be life threatening. I'm not ready to let go of my family and I can see no good that would come from that.

I will tell you what my faith is doing for me. My faith is strong enough to know that while I am afraid and feeling so alone, there is a community of faith out there who can and will hold me in prayer--the prayers I can't seem to find myself. My faith reminds me that this is good enough for God; He understands what its like to be afraid and alone and He understands that we must have people step in for us when we can't do it ourselves. I know God isn't holding it against me that I'm trying to have faith while at the same time doubting. God is good and I see that through my community of faith.