Valuable Lessons

Sometimes life gives me lessons through unexpected people and in unexpected ways. I think we all have to be open to them and ready to receive them. I fully admit I'm certain there are many I miss, but this one I got and I am so thankful.

A couple of days ago I unintentionally hurt a family members feelings. It truly was unintentional and I feel badly about it, but at the time, I also felt some irritation that my actions were assumed to be hurtful. I was talking to my cousin about it and frankly fully expecting that we would have a conversation which would include her justifying my irritation and telling me how I was right etc. etc. Instead this is what she said to me, "Life circumstances have lead you in a direction--, moving around a lot and living far from family you have become very independent and self sufficient. That is on top of the fact that you have always been a strong independent person who is more than capable of handling most things." At this point, I thought she would go onto say how great that is, what a fantastic person that makes me--this is a quality of mine that I hold in high regard. In the past the only thing I thought was negative about this quality was that sometimes I don't get it when people appear helpless to me. But that's not what happened. The conversation continued like this, "I think you should think about how that comes across to other people. When you are just getting on with it and handling things by yourself, there are people that may feel shunned. Perhaps this person needs to feel needed and by not asking for or accepting help, this person sees you as not caring. It could make them feel not a part of your life. They are reacting to the situation from their needs and you are reacting from yours and neither of you are considering that one person doesn't have to be right and one person wrong. It's just a difference in perspective."

I was blown away by this comment--not angry at all but rather my eyes were open to another possibility. I learned two valuable lessons from this short conversation with my cousin. First was the lesson on perspective and the second was that when someone tells you something with love and concern as my cousin did, it doesn't feel like criticism or an assault on my character. It's made me wonder why open honest conversations don't happen more? Why don't people express themselves, share their thoughts, and give alternative ways of looking at things? What are we all so afraid of--what power are we going to lose?

I'm reminded of the sermon given at my wedding. The New Testament reading we chose was Colossians 3.12-17
"As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
What I remember our rector saying was so when you hurt one another, and you will, remember to bear with one another and forgive. It's helped me in my marriage and I think it can help me in the rest of my relationships as well.

I give thanks for my cousin who took a risk and addressed the issue in a way I wasn't expecting. Lessons can be learned in so many ways--keep your eyes open.